crossaffliction's stories

Turbo is a movie about a snail who dreams of racing in the Indianapolis 500, and that totally works out for him.

Technically, there is not any rule that says a snail cannot race in the Indianapolis 500, just like there are, technically, no rules saying that a dog can’t play basketball, or that your sheepdog in the sheepdog competition has to be an actual dog (at least that one turned out pretty good), but there probably are rules stating that your race between race car drivers has to involve driving race cars. As the end of Talladega Nights pointed out, you can’t just run across the finish line and have that count; I’m sure this applies equally to whatever the technical term for snail locomotion is. [Adhesive locomotion, apparently.]

But, hey, a snail racing in the Indianapolis 500 is the premise, and this is an animated movie, so whatever. Unfortunately, the wonky premise is actually one of the better parts.

“I can see every part, nothing hides in the heart to hurt me.”
- Shirley Bassey, “Diamonds Are Forever”

I think I need to be clear if I am going to continue reviewing My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic; I do not watch this show for the plot.

I don’t mean I don’t find the various ponies sexually attractive, though that’s also true. I know, it surprised me too. I’m not much of a butt guy, for one thing (you poop with those, that’s not sexy), and I have a strict “two legs good, four legs bad” policy about cartoon animals, Nala from The Lion King being the only exception, of course (though I guess kangaroos could be problematic).

Not only is the plot of the show not altogether very interesting, plots in general aren’t very interesting. To bring this review’s song quote into the mix, plot is what Bond villains do; the interesting thing is what happens when a character such as Bond stumbles into this plot and starts shooting the villain’s henchmen in the face.

That’s why I watch this show; characters and gratuitous violence. Allow me to explain in this DVD’s episode breakdown.

During April, furry comics that took spots in the Previews best-sellers list include:

• Adventure Time #15 at 97
• My Little Pony: Micro-Series #3: Rarity at 91
• My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic #6 at 65
• Guardians of the Galaxy #2 at 10

During March, furry comics that took spots in the Previews best-sellers list include:

• My Little Pony Micro-Series #2: Rainbow Dash at 91
• My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic #5 (reviewed here) at 65
• My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic #4 (reviewed here) at 55
• Guardians of the Galaxy #1 (reviewed here) at 1