Ask Papabear

Hi Papabear! 

I don't really know who else to ask this, as not many people listen or respond or don't really know. I'm 16 year old furry from the Czech republic, striving towards being artist.

I'm looking forward to moving to the US when I'm older and I was thinking.. how possible is it to work full-time as an artist/fursuit maker? I don't know how my degree is going to help me because degrees here in Europe work differently. I will leave with woodcarving degree.

I'm more than willing to get a job outside the furry fandom, but being a furry is big part of me and art is one of the only things I genuinely enjoy and value in life. I really want to like my job.

I worry there's already too many artists/fursuit makers, so there's no need for me to do the same thing and provide the same services. And also I'm worried if the fact that I wouldn't have art degree would make a difference. A lot of people say that I'm talented and could already make living off of what I do, but I'm honestly very unsure. I'm afraid there's no possible way to fulfill my dreams. Then, also, I have friends who would gladly help me out.

I'm feeling a little lost about this issue; it keeps me very unmotivated. So, thank you for advance!

Mika Kay (age 16; Czech Republic)

P.S ; I love what you do, its very wholesome to help people like this.

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Dobrý Den, Mika Kay!

In the fandom, you will find that pretty much all fursuit makers and artists are freelancers and do not work for a corporation of any kind. Even the larger, more successful fursuit makers are small operations that aren't, generally, seeking new employees. This is because, unlike many other products, fursuits are pretty much all custom-made to match people's fursonas. Therefore, fursuits are not made on an assembly line, which would make such a business more conducive to becoming larger and hiring more people. Now, there are costume companies (many in Asia) that make standardized costumes, but these are all quite inferior in quality. Yeah, they are cheaper, but they are terrible. Odin Wolf has posted a couple of hilarious videos about counterfeit and fake fursuits from companies like Alibaba (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yP_u3HaFYyM) and even Walmart (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDPX4t-8zdQ). You are not going to get quality from such places, and you do not want to work for them if you have any self-respect.

No, fursuit makers are typically individuals or, sometimes, small family operations, and it is very difficult to make a living at it. Even my maker, Beastcub, who is extremely talented and sells quality (and not inexpensive) fursuits, has trouble getting by (I highly recommend her, by the way, to any of my readers). Similarly, there are not companies that put out tons of furry art like some kind of firm that hires starving artists to paint oils for hotel lobbies. No, artists are freelance individuals, too.

Your concern should not, however, be a fear that there are too many fursuit makers. One can never have too many quality makers in a fandom in which waiting queues for fursuits are typically 6 months to a year or longer. If you're really excellent at making fursuits, then you will find customers. You will, of course, need to advertise your services, which is a whole other subject.

With your background in woodworking, you're going to need to be a freelancer for that, too, unless you want to do something such as architectural carving. This is a really cool field to get into, in my humble opinion, and there are companies you can work for who do it. What this entails is making carvings for things such as corbels, columns, mullions, staircases, brackets, and so on that are used in high-end construction. If I were you, I would look into it. See if companies such as Art for Everyday, Inc. (artforeveryday.com) are hiring (note: most such companies that I've seen are in Canada, not the United States). Another option is making wooden furniture. Again, there are many good Canadian companies (are you dead-set on moving to the United States or might Canada be an option for you?)

Anyway, when it comes to the arts such as painting, fursuit making, and wood carving, most people go freelance and/or open their own small companies rather than work for a large corporation. My recommendation for you would be to research how to start your own small business. If you are asking about U.S. employment because you want to obtain a work visa with employer sponsorship, then, again, I would recommend Canada over the United States, especially in your field of work. If you can find a Canadian firm to sponsor you, this will help you a lot in getting a Canadian visa, and, as I said, there are more opportunities in woodworking in Canada than in the United States. Another way to get a visa, of course, would be to become a student here. That would have more possibilities for you, if you were interested in attending university in the States.

In the meantime, I would recommend that you work on your carvings or fursuit design in the Czech Republic and build your portfolio. You can also start building your reputation in the furry fandom by accepting commissions from Americans. Because of our internet culture, you don't have to live in the United States to sell products here.

I hope this was helpful. Good luck!

Papabear

Dear Papabear,

I know you likely get many questions like this but I've been struggling with making a fursona for a few years now. I've been too many sites and even looked through a few of the articles here about fursonas but nothing seems to help. Also because I love mythology I wanted to have a goblin, troll or similar creature as my "fursona" if it can even be considered a fursona using any of those creatures, but i'm afraid too use them thanks to the negative stigma such creatures have in modern media or the fact they are too "human-like". I even attempted trying to emulate said creatures by using real world animals that look like them. But I honestly don't know what to do at this point.

Thank you in advance,

Ymir

* * *

Hi, Ymir,

I apologize for the lateness of my reply. Okay, so, the subject is fursonas. First of all, don't forget that you don't have to pick just one character. So, my first suggestion is to have two: one that is more furry, and one that is a troll or gargoyle. Now, bear in mind that some gargoyles look more animalistic than others (e.g. Brooklyn looks very animalistic vs. Demona, who looks like a female elf with wings). Trolls, on the other hand, definitely look more human, but they vary widely. Are you talking the cute little trolls from the modern cartoons and movies, or the classic trolls of Norwegian origin that are big, ugly, stupid and eat humans? Either way, I wouldn't regard them as very furry.

Another possibility for you is to participate in more than one fandom. You could certainly go to Comic-Con as a troll or gargoyle, no problem, and then have a fursona to participate in that fandom. If you aren't already doing so, you could try RPing in MMORPGs or board games (WoW, D&D, etc.) The point is, don't limit yourself. You can have multiple fursonas, you can have hybrids, you can have fursuits, and you can cosplay as a troll or a character from anime. 

Next point: STOP worrying about "stigmas" and what other people, furry or otherwise, think. This is about YOU and what YOU enjoy. If you just worry about what others are going to say about your fursona, fursuit, costume, or whatever, then you have completely defeated the purpose of the imaginative world of furries and other cosplay and fandom groups. What is the point? The point is to escape reality for a while and just have fun being you and doing what you like. 

I think that you will find that once you free yourself of the shackles of outside opinion and judgment, you will quickly decide on a fursona or other character you wish to be.

Good Luck!
Papabear​​

Papabear,

I've been a long time follower of your advice site, and have asked a couple of questions a couple of times. This time I have a little bit of a problem with my current mate. You see both of us are into kink and we've indulged in some things a couple of times, but breakdown in trust and communication on her part made me feel uncomfortable about bringing up things that are part of me.

Example, I was and still am questioning my gender and when I brought it up to her (a trans woman herself) she met it with disinterest and a small trace of hostility.

Example 2, both of us are into gaming, it was something we bonded over. But when I was getting into Warhammer 40K and learning the lore, of course I wanted to share it with her so we could share this too. I was met with a roll of her eyes and sigh with an exasperated "Oh god." Also try to share MtG (Magic the gathering) card game with her but when I'm playing online I'm cut short when I talk strategy to myself, it's the way my brain works.

There's so many more examples of why I don't bring anything up to her anymore or even try to share interests. So you can see my hesitancy to bring up the subject of something so personal as a kink. Just to put it out in the open, I'm into leather and pup play. I think of it as a big part of who I am and I want to explore that side of myself. I was thinking of just buying a pup hood and tail plug just to get it out in the open, like ripping off a band-aid. There would be no hiding it and it would bring up my kink, but there's also the risk of her throwing it away or me having to return it.

Now please don't have a negative view of her, we get along just fine otherwise. I love her and she loves me. We're friendly with each other, game with each other, joke, play around and everything that comes with a relationship. It's just my trust in bringing up things to her is a bit wounded.

What can I do? She's a sub too so I think that would be a problem, but we're poly so I think she would approve of me finding a handler/trainer, in theory.

Anonymous

* * *

Dear Furiend,

Many people believe that when you have a mate you should share all your interests together and do everything together. This is not true. It is okay for a couple to have different interests and explore different sides of themselves while also sharing other things. To be compatible does not mean you have to be clones of each other. In fact, it is better if you are not. Imagine doing everything together and having the exact same interests and activities. What would you talk about at the end of the day? "Hey, this morning I...." "Yeah, I was there, remember? I'm ALWAYS there!"

When I was married to Janet, she was way into crafts, including cross-stitch and quilting. I was never into that stuff myself, but I supported her in her interests, sometimes going shopping with her, but never to a quilting convention (yawn). It was great that she loved that stuff and would go on a trip by herself or with a friend and have some fun outside the marriage. Later, when I was with Jim, his passion was radio broadcasting and sound editing. I learned some of this myself and even, briefly, hosted a radio show on his station. But I was not passionate about it. I supported his love for the radio and did what I could to help. Now I am with Michael. He is into playing the organ and piano. Here, we have a little more in common as I am learning the piano, but really am not all that interested in the organ. I am having his mother's piano refurbished as a present this year.

In return, my spouses and mates have also supported me in my interests. One year, long ago, my wife paid to send me to a writers' conference in Maui. Later, with Jim, he was very supportive of my being a furry, as is Michael. Michael is helping me start my publishing business, even though he is not a publisher or writer himself.

And so, you see? Partnership is about complementing one another, supporting each other in the things that you love and do as hobbies or for a living. You don't have to do everything together. So, let's take your interest in pup play and leather kink. Does your girlfriend have to do these with you for you to enjoy them? No, she does not. Now, that said, she shouldn't be rolling her eyes and being dismissive of you. She might not like such things herself, but if she loves you she should be supportive and encourage you to explore this side of yourself.

You sound like you two have a pretty good relationship. I think, though, that you should talk to her about this and say something to the effect of what I have said above: she doesn't have to like EVERYTHING that you are into, but it hurts you when she looks down at you or judges you for liking things she doesn't like herself. (Is there stuff she likes that you don't? You can use that as an example of what she should do for you).

With patience, love, and understanding, I'm sure you two can work it out, and this whole experience can help you grow closer as a couple.

Hugs,
Papabear​

Hi Papa Bear,

First of all, I truly want to thank you. Many years ago, when I was 12, I stumbled upon your site and writing to you and reading the archive of letters helped me so much, both in deciding to join the fandom and beginning to understand that I was bisexual and accepting that. In times where I'm at my lowest I still come here and your words always help me.

I'm writing you now to ask for help contextualizing my emotions. For context I am a Senior in High school, and of course like everyone else I've been stuck at home since March 15th.

At first, it seemed there was a light at the end of the tunnel, that I'd see my friends again on April 15th, then May 1st, then finally that light was put out as in person classes were officially cancelled until next school year--which means nothing to me as I'll be in college.

This has all taken a huge toll on my mental health. I already live far from my friends and my boyfriend, and just calling has been a fine substitute until last night.

Yesterday was supposed to be the day of my school's Prom, and originally me and my boyfriend had asked our friend group if we could do a call of some sort and maybe dress up and play some games and music. At first everyone seemed okay with this, but when the night came nobody responded as they all went off to do other things. In that moment, I just broke down. I couldn't stop crying and I felt so foolish because in the grand scheme of things, it's just superficial high school stuff right? But it's more than just Prom. Prom just represents everything that's been taken away from me. So many people I'll never see again, who are staying here or going to a different school, people who may not have been my dearest friends but still meant a lot to me as part of my adolescence. The fact that as President of my school's Drama Club I never got to take my final bows, that I have to choose officers when I didn't get to properly evaluate their skills and leadership ability. Decision Day, our senior trip, competitions, birthdays, the list goes on.

It feels like I'm going to be shipped off to college without any proper resolution of my childhood and I don't know how to deal with it. I'm scared that even when things do go back to normal, It'll all be taken away again. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Nutmeg

* * *

Dear Nutmeg,

I actually do remember you :-) and am grateful that my words have helped you in the past. Let me see if I can help you a little with this problem today. (Being German, I am fond of lists):
​

1. My first suggestion was going to be the Alternative Prom, which is something a lot of young people have done such as what these people wrote in Teen Vogue https://www.teenvogue.com/story/alternative-prom. But it seems this is exactly what you tried to do, but your friends didn't show up. That's super disappointing. Did any of your other friends (or your school) try to organize alternatives to prom? If so, I would try and get in on one of those events. Perhaps an online prom?
2. Recognize that what you are looking for is not so much a prom or other party or ceremony as it is closure. You are seeking a way to properly say goodbye to your teen years and high school as you enter the next phase of your life. There are a couple things you can do to accomplish this. For example, you can record a farewell message and put it on Facebook or TikTok or some other site or app and give a speech about what high school and your peers meant to you and wish them all farewell and, hopefully, continued friendship. On a more familial level, you can perhaps take a little trip with your parents and siblings to celebrate your graduation. Things are starting to open up some, and although I would not suggest a crowded beach or amusement park, perhaps you can find a scenic spot for a picnic or a hiking trail, or just have a small party with pizza and videos at home. Order a celebration cake, blow out candles, and scarf some carbs and sugar.
3. Acknowledge that you are not the only one going through this. Every high school senior is, as well as those graduating from college. Graduation ceremonies are nice, and it is lovely to get some attention for your accomplishments in school, but, in the end, they are soon over and life goes on. As you already noted, there are people out there with bigger troubles from COVID-19 than the mere cancellation of a ceremony. Over 100,000 Americans have now died from this just in the United States. Those victims and their families are suffering much more than you are, so take a moment and put things in perspective. Be grateful that you and your family are not sick, and count your blessings instead of focusing on your losses.
4. Related to the above, divert your attention from the past and from graduations and focus your attention on the future. As you get ready for college, there is a LOT for you to do! If you pay attention to that, work on what is ahead, it will draw your attention on something besides the past.
5. Last-ditch effort: Have a Postponed Prom. Again, perhaps your school is already thinking of this. This is when you still have a prom, but you do it long after the crisis has settled down. It would be somewhat like having a high school reunion, which means it's likely not everyone would show up, but hopefully a lot of people would. It's never too late! Just because one date is impossible doesn't mean another is not.

Life is about phases. Each phase of your life involves saying goodbye to some things and greeting others. You can be of good cheer if you look at the new phases with optimism and hope. I'm reminded of my dear friend Motoko when she had to say farewell to her house and move into senior living apartments. Instead of grieving that she could no longer maintain her home, she looked forward to all the new friends she would make and all the things she would learn from them. You can do the same. Look ahead, not backwards.

Hope this helps you some. Congratulations on graduating, and I wish you luck, success, and happiness!

Papabear

Dear Papabear,

I know you probably get this a lot from other furries in/out of the closet, but as a male just learning I am gay, how do I handle the fact I like guys in todays society? How do I deal with the whole "homosexuality is an abomination of God etc?" About a year ago I was baptized as christian, however not sure of my sexuality then. In case you have forgotten, my parents split and I am currently living with dad. I told him I was gay, he was just fine with it, even at one point in an effort to help me with my depression, he suggested getting a boyfriend. (all this was months before codvid-19.)

Mom however is a different story.

Long story short she is very family centered, raised as a Christian. I am pretty sure her opinion on LGBT stuff is she does not think highly of them. One time years ago when I was still questioning, after finding the local LGBT (am I badmouthing my mom as I type this? or is that just my OCD talking? Please answer as a sidenote.) Once I borrowed a book from the local LGBT center and forgot about it in the car. Mom found it and questioned me about it, clearly in a disapproving way. About a week later she told me to read something with her, and it was the bible verse "thou man who laid with a man has committed an abomination." Then she told me if I wanted to be with a guy she will not tolerate it.

So as a Christian, raised with Christian teachings by mom but an accepting dad of my homosexuality, what do I do? How do I accept myself as for who I am, and be happy going forward? Am I obligated to tell my mom? How do I deal with the fear from religion about being gay and it being morally wrong?

Hugs

0.O *realizes the pandamic going around*
*virtual hug*

​Nicholas (age 23)

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Dear Nicholas,

As you know, you're writing to a gay bear, so my answer to your questions is likely slanted. First and foremost is this: the only person who needs to accept you is you. The minute you define your value in life by other people's opinions of you, the minute you seek their approval, you will doom yourself to a life of misery and self-doubt. Whether those people are Christians, family, friends, your parents, coworkers, peers, whatever. It doesn't matter one whit what they think. Most of them are wrong, anyway, being misguided by a judgmental society.

As for Christianity.... In my experience, there are good Christians and bad ones. Good Christians accept and love you for who you are. They recognize that no one, including themselves, is perfect, and only God has the right to judge you. Bad Christians are the ones who use the Bible to defend their hate and prejudice. Stay away from them. The God in whom I personally believe is a loving God, not a God seeking to punish me or hurt me. I do not believe in Hell and eternal damnation. I do not believe that God just wants us to constantly grovel and worship Them. I think of it this way: If I were God and was all-powerful, omnipresent, omniscient.... why would I need to be worshipped by tiny little ant beings? I would not have such a pathetic ego that I would need to be constantly validated for something I already know I am. I would not get my jollies off of hurting people. I would want to be kind to them and try to help them. So if I, a tiny little human being, can feel this way, then God, who is infinitely superior to me in every way, must have all these loving, caring qualities to the infinity power.

So, why do Christians, the Church, parents, etc. try to shame you for being who you are? Simply put, it's a power thing. It is the pathetic desire to control you and your life, and also to make themselves feel holier than thou. Oh, they will SAY they are just trying to help you, but don't believe it. The truth is, by being gay and--God forbid--actually enjoying yourself, you will challenge their worldview, and that makes them uncomfortable because it is easier to just accept what you are told to do rather than to think for yourself.

Religious people who abuse and torment LGBTQIA people for something as unimportant as sexual orientation are doing the opposite of what religion should do, which is to love and help human beings. I could go on for pages and pages as to why the Church disapproves of gay people (most of it has to do with keeping people in line and perpetuating generations of tithing loyalists), but I think you get the point.

You are not your sexuality. That is just one aspect of a well-rounded person. Most people define who they are by what they do for a living and their families. You don't hear straight people introducing themselves like this: "Hi, I'm Bill! I'm a heterosexual architect and married man!" No. So, why should we define ourselves for being gay or bi or whatever? We mostly do this because it is not "the norm." Screw the norm. Norm is boring. Being normal is what has caused so much misery, war, and injustice for millennia.

Do not seek out to be normal. Be you. Be different. Contribute something unique to this world. The world needs unique people like you.

And remember, no matter what: God loves you.

Be a good person. If you do that, you are golden.

Hugs,
Papabear

Hello, PapaBear,

Two very close friends of mine who have been part of this community fro a good while have recommended me to ask you regarding some pointers for starting out in the furry community, as for myself, I am rather new to the world of anthropomorphic animals and the cool, creative ideas that this will conjure up! As for what I decided to do with this field, my fursona is a friendly and wholesome Sun Bear who likes to fish for salmon in the woods and enjoys honey like most bears tend to do, details aside, my question is this: How do I best present myself appropriately in this community so that I may enjoy myself, let people enjoy me as a person and the character I portray, and to better avoid the more unfriendly and toxic side of this community (because as sad as it is, there are people in this world who tend to be unwelcoming and a bad influence to others.) Not to mention, it's very nice to hear some wisdom from a veteran who would know more about this then I would, who just so happens to be a bear as well!

Many thanks in advance,

Tuftrunk

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Dear Bro Bruin,

There is no one way to become an active part of the furry family. Back during its early years, when it was a few anthro fans meeting at sci-fi conventions and sharing APAs, it definitely WAS an isolated community that only a few people could participate in (e.g., you couldn't get a copy of an APA magazine unless you also contributed to it). Today, anyone can join and participate, whether that is in one of the numerous online outlets (Facebook, FurAffinity, Furry Aminos, Discord, Telegram, etc. etc. etc. etc.) or in person at a furmeet or furcon, there is no end to the many opportunities.

As you become more active, make sure your motivations for getting attention are healthy ones. Many times, furries write to me asking me how they can be popular and get attention in the fandom. In other words, they envy popufurs and want to be like them and to have their existence validated. This is incorrect motivation. Don't fall into that trap, for its jaws will consume you.

Addressing your question, "How do I best present myself appropriately in this community so that I may enjoy myself, let people enjoy me as a person and the character I portray, and to better avoid the more unfriendly and toxic side of this community...," the best way to present yourself is to simply be a good furry. Don't be a douchebag and you will inevitably make friends. Look for communities within the fandom that share your interests (e.g., being a bear, you might like to join my Bear Furries group on Facebook).

As for avoiding the "toxic side" of the family, that is all about the company you keep, and that means being a good judge of character, which is how you avoid toxic people in ANY community, not just the fandom. Obviously, stay away from people like the Nazi furs or others who try to make the fandom something political or exclusionary. Avoid people who try to define what furry is (in their favor) and who try to exclude others because "they aren't real furries." Also, avoid furries who only wish to have a hookup with you. These are the ones who will cause you grief. 

Fortunately, most furries are kind, friendly, fun, and welcoming. This should be about fun and frolic, not about creating drama. Don't create drama, don't participate in drama (often manufactured by trolls desiring attention), and DO hang with people who simply like movies, TV shows, drawing, playing games, and having a good time. Do this and you, too, will have a good time.

Don't worry about your rep. Don't worry who likes you and who doesn't. Furry is all about being your true self. Be yourself and you will find others who want to be with you to share mutual loves and interests.

Welcome to the fandom!

Bear Hugs,
Papabear

Hi Papabear,

I've become a fan the furry fandom since 2015. One of the things that gets me a little 'excited' are anthro males, specifically dragons and canines. I thought that meant that I liked guys. I experimented with some males and while fun, I didn't feel anything. Could it be that I like furry guys instead of real ones?

Anonymous (age 25)

* * *

Dear Furiend,

Could you clarify what you mean by "I didn't feel anything"?  Do you mean you didn't get sexually excited or that you didn't fall romantically in love?

Thanks, this will help with my reply.

Papabear

* * *
The first one

* * *

​I see. Well, a number of things could be going on: 1) you just weren't with the right guys; 2) you really aren't gay (or bi) but there is just something about anthros that turn you on; 3) you are gay or bi but you were so nervous when playing with those people that it prevented you from relaxing and enjoying it as much as you could have; 4) you are still discovering your sexual preferences and turn-ons, and this is just a stage in an ongoing process.

Any of those seem to hit the mark?

Papabear

* * *

Probably 2,3 and 4

* * *

It can't be both 2 AND 3 LOL. Pick one.

Papabear

* * *

Okay, then two

* * *

Hello, Furiend,

Okay, as long as you're being honest with yourself, good. Remember, sexuality is a spectrum. It is actually rare for someone to be 100% hetero or 100% homosexual. Most lie in between. For example, you might be, say, 10% interested in the male anatomy but 90% more into females.

Using this same reasoning, it could be possible that sexual preference might have a human v animal factor as well. Pardon me while I become fascinated with a question that never really occurred to me before. I mean, yes, I have known about zoophiles, but I always thought a zoophile was a zoophile and not that it could be part of a spectrum that involves anthro characters. In other words, just as there is a Kinsey Scale that puts hetero/homosexuality on a sliding scale, perhaps there is a scale for preference for human/animal attraction. Thus, furries into anthros are somewhere in the middle of the scale. Likewise, it could be possible you are attracted to anthros sexually but not so much to humans.

It becomes more complicated, too, because one would not keep the Kinsey Scale and (let's call it the Furry Scale) separate, but, instead, you would combine the two, creating a scale involving four factors: hetero, homo, animal, human, and any percentage combination of the four factors.

This is all speculative, but you would be an example, then, of someone could be 60% hetero and 70% animal sexuality, or they could be 80% homo and 10% animal sexuality (meaning 20% hetero-leaning and 90% human-leaning).

Fascinating.
​
It's all part and parcel with the truism that human sexuality is very complicated.

But now you see, too, the problem with overthinking things. Bottom line that I have for you is this: Don't worry about it. Like what you like; don't like what you don't like. You are what you are, and your sexuality is what it is. Remember, as long as you aren't hurting anybody, you should do whatever you like and don't try to label yourself or make your round peg fit in a square hole.

Hope that helps a bit.

Hugs,
Papabear

Papabear,

I was told to take a break from a server I really like because something pretty bad happened because of irrational choices I made when I was upset.

I need to ask … how can I stop feeling scared to keep trying to be a better person? Do you have any advice on how I can easily (???) improve myself and not make those mistakes again? I thought it would be simple, but I feel there may be a catch. The guy who runs the server is very sweet and he understands that I have trouble handling my emotions. He suggested that I take a break for as long as I need to. He also told me that if the server isn’t being good for my mental health, then I should leave for the benefit of my mental health. I just want to be better. But, I’m so unsure. 

Anonymous

* * *

Hello, furiend,

I find myself needing breaks, too, from social media such as Facebook. Such places are full of hate, trolls, and bad news that can depress and aggravate even the most sane and kind of us. So, taking a break is not a bad idea at all. Remember that these days, the media thrives on giving us bad, sensationalistic news because it boosts ratings and earns them more money. Consequently, the world looks like a horrible place when it really has both good and bad things going on.

As for improving oneself, I recently saw a neat video on this. It was about a European fellow who had all the signs of becoming a sociopath. He had no joy, no emotion, no empathy for others. If he kept on going that way, he probably would have entered a life of crime, even murder.

How did he escape? Well, unfortunately, it was NOT easy (hon, there is no such thing as easy when it comes to self-improvement, so don't even ask such a question), but it WAS doable.

What he did was take baby steps. Tiny little daily steps to slowly improve himself. He would go on walks, exercise, do small acts of kindness, meditate, enjoy a moment of beauty in nature, do something positive such as clean up his room or get a chore done. Any little, good step would help. Slowly, one percent at a time, bit by bit, his view of his world and himself began to change.

What he discovered, unbeknownst to himself because he had no psychology training, was his own form of behavior modification therapy. Instead of going directly to the brain for a magical cure that would change his way of thinking, he slowly, very slowly, changed his behavior. As his behavior reflected more and more a good attitude about life, eventually he began to HAVE that good attitude, and this, in tern, vastly improved his mental and emotional health to the point where he says his friends no longer recognize him.

This takes years. There is NO magic pill. No magical advice I can give you. You have to be dedicated to changing yourself and you have to be supremely patient with your progress. In a world where everyone expects instant gratification, this is against what most people would like to hear, but if you don't do something like this you will never change.

Hugs,
Papabear

Hey Papabear! I'm a new reader but I've had a dilemma for awhile that hopefully you can answer. I've been in the fandom for about two years now, and I can't seem to stick with one fursona. I know you've probably answered tons of questions like this, but I've been struggling with this for a long time and it's just so frustrating! I've looked at just about every "how to make a fursona" article that I can find, and I still don't know what to do! The main problem I'm facing is I can't match what I want my fursona's personality to be with a design I like, and I feel like buying an adopt or custom isn't really personal to me. And to top it all off, my design and personality preferences keep changing, so I can never stick to one thing! Any help would be appreciated. 

Thank you!

Anonymous (age 13)

* * *

Dear Furiend,

Step 1: Be more bear. I don't mean be a bear literally; I mean, chill. Relax. Don't panic. There is no law you have to pick your fursona right now, and, even if you do, you can always change it later. Or! Another option, have several! No law says you can't have 3 or 6 or 27 or 2,408 fursonas if you choose. Furry is about breaking the rules, not adhering to them.

The likely reason you are having such difficulty is because you are in your developing years still.  Your fursona is a reflection of you, and when you haven't figured out who you are yet, your fursona remains malleable. I was the same way as you, in a way, although not quite so drastic. When I was a kid, I was a wolf, probably because I wanted to be part of a pack and have friends (I was a loner). As a teen and young man, I was a dragon, wanting to be beautiful, strong, and fierce. Then, after I discovered (finally) my true sexuality (gay bear), I naturally became a bear, which is where I plan on staying because it fits who I am so well and I am unlikely to change.

For now, don't worry about changing your fursona. Instead of fretting about it, have fun with it! Try lots of different stuff. Experiment. This is actually great because you are opening yourself up to new things. Eventually, you will settle into your own spot, something that will parallel your own personal growth and, hopefully, self-realization and acceptance.

Good Luck!

Hugs,
Papabear

[Papabear note: I was unable to reply to this writer because it was sent to me from an email account on the Tahoma School District server, which apparently does not allow replies from friendly bears. Therefore, here's hoping the letter writer will see this page!]

PapaBear,

Hello, I've come to say... WHY AM I BULLIED AT SCHOOL?!?! I don't understand why kids at my school think I'm weird and mock me. but there's some nice people, one time, at my school, Logan, this kid said my Dinosaur mask was COOL! and asked if he could wear it (before Corona virus), so, I let him! and he was pretty nice, but also someone called me B**** at school, he got in trouble, and then this one girl was afraid of me, but no she CHILL! Anyway, I've recently Noticed that I'm being bullied, because this one dude, I was making noises at, was mocking me, like, "Raaga ghhh, yeah, shut up," and ow hes still rude to me ... and now my friends are saying when I tell them my problems, they are saying, "Well, what do you expect when you're running around like a dinosaur?"

It's just annoying to me, and I'd like advice.

Thanks!

Signed, 
Card the Wyvern

P.S my TikTok)) @dragondinosquad ))) follow me im lonely guys ;w;))

* * *

Dear Card,

Well, I notice in the form you sent that you're not a dinosaur, you're a wyvern. That's pretty awesome that you know the difference between a dragon and a wyvern and you are only 12 years old :-3.

The issue of bullying is a HUGE one, and many books have been written about it. I don't have time to write a book, so I will be brief.

First and foremost to note is this (and it seems you already understand this): if you are being seriously tormented with hate (verbal or physical), make sure that the adults in your school and your parents are aware of this and take appropriate action to stop it. There is no justification for bullying, which is a very serious act and should never be tolerated.

The second point is this: people bully for a couple of reasons. One reason is that they are insecure about themselves, and so they pick on people who are different or appear weak to feel better about themselves. Most bullies will back down if you stand up to them because, inside, they are actually cowards. The second kind of bully is just the sort of mundane who has no imagination and is fearful of those who are different, creative, unique, or more intelligent or enlightened than they are. There is IMMENSE pressure in the schoolyard of life for people to conform because they want to be accepted by society. That is human nature.

But you know what? The remarkable people of the world, the people who are inventors, artists, and dreamers who make the world a better place, are never the bullies and conformists of the world. They are people like you, Card.

It is terrific you are exploring your furry side, but there is a lesson to be learned here: There is a time and a place for being furry. Wearing a reptilian mask at school and making growly noises is going to set you up for rejection, disdain, taunting, and bullying (whoever said "what do you expect?" was actually making a keen observation). Therefore, you need to keep such behavior out of school and, when you go to school, just focus on listening to the teacher, doing your lessons, and taking your tests. 

There is a lesson here to learn, and it is not a happy one: People might say they will accept you for who you are, but that is not true for many people. They say it, but they don't mean it. To protect yourself, you must learn that sometimes, especially in social settings like schools, where you do not control the situation, you have to pretend you are "one of them." 

The good news is this: There are tens of thousands (possibly hundreds of thousands) of furries in the world, and these are the people who are fine with your being a wyvern. 

Part of growing up is learning how to deal with people. You will learn, after much trial and error, who the real people are and who the fake ones are. Choose your friends carefully, and you will be much happier. Learn which people are not your friends, and those are the people to whom you do not show your real self. They don't deserve to know what a terrific person you are, so don't give them the opportunity to try and bully you and put you down.

And always remember this: If you get criticized, consider the source. If someone who is not your friend or who you do not respect criticizes you, then what do you care? Brush it off. It is of no consequence because they have not earned the right to judge you.

Big Bear Hugs,
Papabear

Hi, Papabear.

I struggle with self-worth as an artist, and find it difficult to see my art as anything other than garbage when compared to the countless amounts of art that I see out there. I'm not that good of an artist, but I like making comics. In fact, I'm currently working on a comic that I love doing, but every day, despite me working hard on it in my free time, I still feel inadequate and will never feel happy about myself. So I guess my question would be how I should approach my views on myself as an artist in the future.

Joshua

* * *

Dear Joshua,

Artistic types--whether they are painters, musicians, writers, or whatever--are often very self-critical. This is because the work they do is put out into the public sphere, making it vulnerable to criticism from the outside. Since many of us seek validation from others, criticism can hurt, and then we forget why we created the art in the first place.

Why do you create art? Why do you work on a comic book? Because, as you said yourself, you love to do it. 

You should draw and color because you love it, not because you want others to approve of you. This is only important at all if you are aiming to sell your artwork. That's when you do commissions and such, drawing or painting things that other people want to see.

As for the quality of your art, practice makes perfect. The more you draw, the better you will become. Work on your technique, perhaps take art classes (in a classroom or virtually), seek out advice from other artists, but most of all practice, practice, practice. Just like practicing a musical instrument, the more you draw and study technique and theory, the better you will be.

To answer your final query, stop comparing yourself to others and stop seeking validation from others. The only person you really need to please is yourself.  You are not put on Earth to get the approval of other people. Oh, and remember, some of the greatest, most brilliant artists ever born were criticized and even ostracized by the public.  Public taste does not equal good taste, necessarily.  In fact, public taste is often bad, dull, and insipid.

Be an artist because you love it. Draw your comic book because it makes you happy.

Hugs,
Papabear​

Dear Papabear,

I'd like to know, how to I become the best student at school with the best possible grades?

DayPawTheChunkyCoyote

* * *

Dear DayPaw,

As with anything else, if you want to be good at something, work hard at it. Study hard and you should get better grades as a result.

Hugs,
Papabear

......

Hi, again, DayPaw,

You know, I apologize for giving you such a terse answer earlier. There's really more I should say on this subject, and it's this: Learning isn't about grades. Real learning is about finding something you're interested in and exploring it fully. Education systems--especially in America--are designed to produce good little factory workers, cubicle dwellers, and consumers. They are not designed to help you genuinely learn things you want to learn to pursue what interests YOU in life. You really don't get that opportunity until college, BUT! You will have a hard time getting into college if you have difficulty with one or more subjects in high school that subsequently brings down your GPA.

The school system--especially in the good ol' US of A--is made to train you to do things by rote learning, to respond to discipline (you must go to your class when the bell rings, leave when the bell rings, sit in your assigned seat, only speak when spoken to, etc.), and to become, basically, an automaton. You are also disparaged and made to feel like shit if you have problems with any one subject, whether that is science or English or even physical education.

So, again, to really answer your question, I should say this: discover first what interests you; if that means you need to go on to college, then you need to play the game to study hard, take the tests, get A's, and move on; but if you don't need a college degree (for example, you want to be a dancer or a painter or you are brilliant enough to invent something in your garage that makes you a millionaire--which actually happens with many of the millionaires we have in this world), then don't worry about it. Just do your time and, when not in school, focus on your passion. 

Most of what I know about the world (indeed, most of what I do with my money-paying job) I learned AFTER I left school.

Good grades are there to please your parents and to get a better shot at college. They don't actually mean anything about you personally, and they certainly don't mean squat about your value as a human being.

Big Bear Hugs,
Papabear

Papabear,

​I've always dreamed of settling down with a furry partner who loves me for who I am inside. Since Pounced was shut down, where does one go for furry dating? I'm getting older and I feel once I hit 40 it'll be game over for my chance to find love in the furry community. I seen a few places advertised, but I want to avoid scams and just try someplace thats actually popular, full of real people and not bots. Can you help me?

Tanuki (38)

* * *

Dear Tanuki.

As someone who is over 40 himself, don't write yourself off just because of your age. I have found love three times in my life: Once when I was in college, once when I was 41, and again when I was 51. Love has no age. There are many lonely, older furries out there who would love to have what you long for: a mature furry mate to share their lives with.

Going on dating sites is one way to look, yes, but that is rather limiting yourself. My advice to those seeking a partner is to find groups on the Web with members who share your interests and, perhaps--but not necessarily--demographics. For example, if you are on Facebook, I would invite you to join my Greymuzzles group, where you will find lots of furries your age. If you have other interests in life, seek out groups that share that interest. For example, maybe you are super into model trains. There's a group for that. Or perhaps you love Schnauzers; I'm sure there's a group for that. Not just on Facebook, but on the internet as a whole. 

You could also seek out groups that actually meet in person (after this virus thing eases off). I recommend checking out the Meetup website. Here, you can type in a location and an interest and search for local groups of people who like the same things you do (including furries).

Finding a fellow furry is great, but you don't have to limit yourself to only furries. I mean, the real point is finding someone with whom you can share your life, right? My late husbear, Jim, and my current husband, Michael, are not furries, but they are totally fine with my being a furry and both Jim and Michael have joined me at furcons.

Cast your net out wide upon the waters and you will catch fish. Do not be too picky or demanding, but also don't allow yourself to be a tool because you are desperate for a mate. It's a tough balancing act, but if you temper your search with love and compassion, I think you will find someone.

Bear Hugs,
Papabear​

Dear Papa Bear,
​
This particular issue has been on my mind for a long while, and today I can no longer bear the thought of this daily. I’m not too sure whether you’re the right person to talk to or whether there’s any way you can help, but I don’t really have anything to lose so I thought I might as well try. (You might want to grab a cup of coffee, as this will take a little while to explain. Also, it’s a bit heavy, just thought to warn you before you read further.)

I’m an 18 year old furry from the not-so-sunny land of Wales. I’m known by my friends and family for being a pessimist and sadly that couldn’t be more true. I have a medical condition which means I was born with only a single ear. Obviously, that means I cannot hear as well as other people, but also, I was bullied a lot while I was growing up. The option was presented to me to have a prosthesis attached to implants to make it look like I had two ears to help me “fit in”, and another implant that poked outside of my head to attach a hearing aid, so I could hear. For the most part, this worked as intended and was a great help, however this was not to last.

Back in October 2015, due to the growth spurt in my teenage years, a layer of skin had grown over all of my implants, and the hospital decided they were going to sort out the implants for my prosthesis first. They cut away at the skin around the area to uncover the implants again, then grafted a piece of skin from my thigh to replace it.

Soon after, a new model of hearing aid was introduced that involved a magnet under the skin. The doctors presented this to me as a solution to fix my hearing aid implant as it being covered by skin would be okay, and I wouldn’t have to worry about having it uncovered. After a bit of looking into things, they discovered that the hearing aid implant I currently use (installed in around 2008) was too old and therefore couldn’t have a magnet attached to it. So they said I’d need to have another implant a little further up. This would be an exact repeat of the surgery performed in ‘08, and they said as the procedure would only take around 30 minutes, I would most likely be discharged the same day I was admitted.

And here’s where we get to my problem.

After that surgery in 2015 to uncover my prosthesis implants, everything was fine, until about a week after.

Unbeknownst to me, a small section of graft was not bonding with the surrounding tissue, leaving a small pocket. At around 3am that night, it started to bleed heavily, and despite both me and both of my parents being medically trained, we could not stem the bleeding. The paramedics were called as I was going into shock and I was losing consciousness. Although it seems like half of the event was never recorded in my memory, my parents told me I was saying things like “I’m going” or “I can see my great grandparents”. I was rushed off to hospital and I remember my mother praying on a rosary, as the doctors took a sample of my blood and assessed what happened.

The thing is, they found nothing. Their response was “we can’t find a reason why this happened, but for some reason, it happened.”

After two days in hospital, I was discharged again, and after another bleeding episode a few days later that we managed to take care of ourselves, that was the end of it. I was told by my parents that three were told I was very lucky to be alive. The whole near-death experience was extremely traumatizing.

The scary thing is that no-one ever found out why. I have a few guesses, but that’s all they are—guesses.

I’m going in for this new operation in the autumn and all I can think about is the same thing happening again, and me not being so lucky this time around. I’ve been living this past year (since January) in a downward spiral, believing in my heart I only have a few months left to live. I’ve been assured by everyone around me (including my conscious self) that I’m going to live through it, but it’s just not getting through deep down. A voice inside of me just keeps saying “you’re going to die”. Depending on the grades I get at results day on August 16th, I could have finally realized my dream of studying engineering at university, but have it snatched away from me at the last second. That’s what I feel like will happen.

My impending death is all I can think about right now, and it’s just getting worse and worse with each passing day, so ... what do I do?

Yours Faithfully,

Glyn (age 18, Cardiff, Wales)
 
* * *
 
Dear Glyn,
 
That is quite a story, and I am sorry about all you have had to go through.  It is quite amazing that medical science has progressed to the point where they can help you with your ear and hearing issues.  Medicine, though, is also sometimes referred to as the "medical arts" for a reason.  Medicine is not just about knowing anatomy, physiology, epidemiology, etc. Even now, doctors and researchers are still struggling to grasp that every individual is slightly different than everyone else in how their body reacts to medicines and medical procedures, as is apparently the case with you.
 
I'm sensing a reason you are frightened is that you might have a feeling of powerlessness. That can certainly happen when one has been faced with a life-threatening event such as the bleeding problems you have had. Being nervous about another procedure is perfectly understandable and normal. There are a couple things I would suggest: 1) ask to speak with your surgeon and talk to them about the procedure and ask them what they have learned from what happened the first time and if they are going to do anything differently with a second procedure (do not let up until ALL of your questions are answered), and 2) contact the hospital where the procedure was performed and ask to talk with a hospital counselor. Speak to them frankly about your worries and fears. I'm not sure about Wales, but in the USA this is called presurgical counseling.
 
It is very important, too, for you to realize that patients have rights and your decisions on how to handle your health are paramount. They are YOUR decisions, not the doctor's. Often, patients simply bow to whatever their doctors say without question. They fail to ask questions. They fail to tell doctors when they believe the doctor is not listening to their needs or if the doctor is dismissing their symptoms too readily. 
 
You can ease your mind by realizing YOU are in control, not the doctor. The doctor works for you, not the other way around. One thing this means is you are in control of the schedule. If you are not comfortable with the surgery scheduled for this autumn, then tell the hospital you wish to cancel or postpone it.  If I am reading your letter correctly, this is not a life-threatening need right now. That is, you will still be able to live and function without the surgery. Do you feel that you will be able to attend university? I am guessing you can, and if you have trouble hearing lectures, make sure you sit in a front-row seat (you can also record lectures and listen to them later with the volume turned up); if you need a hearing aid in the one ear, get one.
 
Only after all your questions have been answered about the surgery and you are mentally and emotionally prepared for it should you schedule a date. In other words, don't push yourself because pushing yourself about deadlines will only increase your anxiety levels.
 
You, Glyn, are ultimately in control of your own health and body. You have the right to be comfortable and well-informed about any medical treatments and surgical procedures involving your own body.
 
Hope that helps reassure you.
 
Hugs,
Papabear

Papabear,

When I was first became a furry, I also became an artist, and the two have been inseparably linked for me. I was also bi sexual at the time. During that time I had enough male companionship, but no female companionship that I craved. I eventually chose to be hetero and met a woman. When she found out that I was previously bi, I had to swear that that part of my life was in the past. She also did not like that I was a furry, and after a year, I eventually left the furry fandom. We ended up doing the American Dream bit, getting married, graduating college, getting steady jobs, getting a house with white vinyl fence, dogs, and eventually had a kid together. My partner's health started to really deteriorate once we had a kid, to the point where she was disabled and unemployed.

After 11 years, I happened across one of my old friends from way back in the furry fandom, who had become a successful illustrator and comic book artist. With only a little encouragement, she gave me homework assignments and I started getting back into art, and pretty quickly, into the furry fandom as well. And I have to say, it felt satisfying, deep down to my soul, to be producing art again. 

Not going to lie, I didn't make the smartest of decisions. I tried to keep that a secret from my partner. Two years later I ended up checking out a local major furry convention, and I ended up getting bit by the fur suiting bug. About this point in time I started ramping up my participation in the furry fandom, and it starts spilling into other aspects of my life. I also started spending less time exclusively with my partner so that I could work on art and projects as well, and have become chronically sleep deprived. Being an artist is a funny thing. You could have spent the whole day doing things that needed to be taken care of, but if you don't put a pen to paper, the whole day feels unproductive. I digress. My partner at this time had told me that she did not want to hear _anything_ furry related for 6 months. Not my most mature decision, I tried to keep my furry passion underground during that time, and it wasn't until closer to the end of the 6 months that i realized tha t really, my partner just wanted me to spend more time with her. 

After the 6 months were up, I was starting to try to strike a balance between the two, spending time with my partner, and trying to be honest and open about my increased presence in the furry fandom. I really want to make a fursuit. But then a major life altering event occurred and my partner was the victim of a crime. My partner reported this crime, and the police then made her a victim a second time by victim blaming her. It's a great injustice my partner has suffered, but the topic itself has also become a very polarizing issue in her life. People either believe she is innocent, or that she is not the victim. 

Anyway, a year from the previous furry convention, and I'm allowed to be as involved in the furry fandom as I want to be. I end up making a group of friends who all come to attend the convention, and I have managed to make a tail by this point and attended the con with my friends. My partner, after 2 days into the 4 day convention, basically tells me that either I can continue to attend the convention and she'll divorce me, or I can miss the rest. Tough pill to swallow, but I'd rather not let a furry convention be the reason I get divorced. 

A couple weeks later, and we're out having dinner together as a date, and she mentions that she can never accept the furry fandom or me for being part of it. She has a confirmation bias that the furry fandom is all a bunch of perverts. That was basically my breaking point. I've had multiple people tell me that I am in an abusive relationship, even though my partner always tells me that I am the one who is emotionally abusive to her. Having lost our primary source of income when she became disabled, we were on a financial precipice, and at this point in time I can accept that we may finally lose the house and a lot of other stuff. She had made it very clear that if we didn't have a child together, she would have already left me long ago as well. She has repeatedly issued me an ultimatum, do I want to get back together with her or do I want to get a divorce. The first time I did say yes on the divorce, and she did _everything_ in her power to get me to change that statement. No w I simply don't have it in me to tell her that even if it is what I wanted. 

I know ultimately, the only person who can make that decision is me, stay or leave. And I know that the reason my life is in financial ruin is from that relationship, but I also know that I have my responsibilities to my child and will not just walk out on my child's life. Sorry to have to give you the whole life story, but I could really use some outside advise right about now. What is your thoughts on staying married vs getting divorced?

Anonymous

* * *

Dear Furiend,

When it comes to the question of getting a divorce, I think you already know the answer. The issue you have come across is not about your being a furry. It is about control and lack of acceptance. You could substitute "I enjoy doing furry stuff" for many other things (e.g., "I am a fanatic about playing golf" or "I really enjoy going to Star Trek and Dr. Who conventions") and she would put an ultimatum on those things, too. Why? Because she feels you are not paying enough attention to her. One might think it is because of her bad impression of furries, but you tried showing her a convention and you have probably told her until you are blue in the face that you aren't having fursuit sex or whatever and she has not listened, has she? Again, it's about control.

Healthy relationships are not about one spouse controlling the other, but you already know that, too. Being a furry is part of who you are, and if she can't accept that then she can't accept you for being you. If that is true, then it is already over, whether or not you divorce.

Next terrible thing is how she is using your child as a weapon. This is unfair to you and it is unfair to your child. Back when I was in high school, my parents were getting ready to break up. I was told several times, "We are only staying together because of you." What a horrible thing to say to your child!  In other words, it was my fault that my parents were miserable?  If I didn't exist, they would be happily divorced?  Holy crap! This is an act of her extorting you, as well. There might be an implication here that you won't get to see your kid?

This all said, I am very sorry for her legal troubles. I believe her and you when you say she was the victim and the police are part of the problem. My sympathies. That is a different issue, however.

It is possible for you to continue to support her and to be a father to your child after a divorce. When my wife divorced me after I realized I was gay and came out to her, we had a rough time of it, yes, but we are now friends, and we still support each other as friends. And if you get divorced, you and she will always be the father and mother to your child, and you can and should always be there in the father role.

My recommendation? Find yourself the best attorney you can afford, and if you are confident in your decision, file for divorce before she does. Why? According to the Washington State law firm McKinley Irvin, there are several reasons to file papers first, according to their website:
​

• You get to plan in advance and take your time selecting a lawyer, rather than having to scramble to find a lawyer to meet with you and file a Response within 30 days of being served.
• You have time to be mentally and emotionally prepared for the financial cost of divorce.
• You have the first choice of which court will hear your case. Depending on where you live, having your case heard in one courthouse over another could be a significant advantage. For example, if your spouse moved to another county, he or she could file in that county once they meet the residency requirement.
• You are in control of the timeframes.
• As the petitioner, you get the first argument at trial.
• By initiating the divorce process, you have the opportunity to start protecting community assets.
• It prevents possible stalling by the other party.

Be honest with yourself as to what you want and why, and be prepared for the legal consequences to follow. After the emotional and legal difficulties you will endure, make sure your heart is always in the right place by maintaining your rights to be a father and by trying, if you can, to remain friends with your ex. After all, there were reasons why you married her in the first place, so she can't be all bad.

Good luck!

Papabear

Hiya Papabear,

I wrote you a weeks... month? I'm not sure, I'm bad with time. Anyways, I wanted to let you know that I got my fursuit (fullsuit) and I absolutely couldn't be happier with it, you're advice really helped me and I thank you for that. 

Onto my actual question, well... its not easy to explain but I'll try to keep it short. I grew up in a very isolated household where my parents weren't around often, me and my two brothers pretty much learned to fend for ourselves growing up. Because of this experience I kind of forced myself to be strong and try to make everything ok because back then I couldn't afford to be soft. This unfortunately has followed me throughout life, I seem to be unable to show my true emotions. I know I'm sensitive and am often hurting, but for some reason I am completely unable to outwardly show it. I can't cry, I can't even tell people what's wrong, my instinctual response to when anyone asks me if something is wrong, is to say "nothing" and "I'm fine" or sometimes its just "Don't worry about me, I'm tough" and these are all lies. Ugh, this is already getting to long and I'm sorry for that. But there's a prime example, I feel like I'm not worth anyone's time, I'm not worth help. And this st ems from my childhood as well as other experiences I've had, because the few times I've actually opened up to people, they've left because they didn't want to deal with me. All these things have led me to just build a wall around myself and not let anyone see the real me, and because I've been doing it for the majority of my life, I'm not even sure what the "real me" is anymore. I've sought out therapy and medicine, neither worked so I stopped. At this point I'm just kind of forcing my way forward day by day pretending I'm fine when I'm not.

Sorry about the potentially unnecessary backstory. My question is this, how do I let people in? How do I open up to people who want to help me? I'm terrified of what will happen when I do, I'm terrified if I stop being what I am now, there isn't anything left. What do I do?

Kayne

* * *

Dear Kayne,

I'm glad to hear my earlier response was helpful to you; thanks for telling me :-3

Yes, having a difficult childhood can certainly lead to the problems you're currently experiencing. As you say, you had to be tough to survive your travails, and now this toughness has become entrenched into your personality. Fortunately, I would not say you are suffering from an emotional or mental health issue because you do feel emotions (and I assume they are appropriate emotions); you just are unable to let them out. What we have here, then, is a habit issue. You have programmed yourself not to show emotions to other people and you can't figure out how to break this habit.

How do you break a bad habit?

One classic way to do so is to replace it with a good habit. I suggest you already have such a habit available to you now: fursuiting! When you feel the need to express yourself, do so in fursuit. Being in fursuit (and in character) allows you to reduce or eliminate feeling self-conscious about your emotions because you have a secure barrier around you, so to speak, to protect you from feeling judged. When people react to what you are doing, they are reacting to your fursona and not "you," you see. This is the same method that actors on stage use. Many actors are quite shy in person, but when they are in character on stage or in front of a camera, they have a tool for letting out their emotions.

And you don't always have to do this while wearing your fursuit. You can also do it while just being your fursona in, say, roleplaying games online. You might think this is "hiding," but what it really is, is a way for you to rehearse and exercise your emotions. Just like working a flabby body gives you stronger muscles, exercising your self-expression will improve it over time. By doing so under the protection of your fursona, you will get lots of solid practice on how to openly let out your feelings to others in a relatively safe and productive way.

Another method you can use in concert with the above is to practice expressing emotions in a private setting. While no one else is around, go into your bedroom or bathroom and practice all sorts of emotional outbursts: cry, scream in anger, laugh out loud, express passion, express anguish. It is important to do this out loud and not in your head. Talk to the mirror about what is frustrating you or bringing you happiness or sadness. You can also try doing this with a plush toy or other object. Talk to, say, a teddy bear and tell it you hate it, you love it, it's driving you crazy, whatever you're feeling inside. Let it all out.

Keep doing these things over and over and eventually you will become comfortable enough to wean yourself off the teddy bear and fursona and begin expressing yourself to others as yourself. Do this on your own schedule and don't push yourself and don't give yourself unrealistic expectations or deadlines. This could take weeks, months, even years to happen, but it will happen if you keep at it diligently.

Good Luck!

Hugs,
Papabear
​

Dear Papabear,

Let me start off by saying this weighs heavily on me, and has for a time.

When I was 17 I came out as gay, and through the next couple of years after growing up with my sexuality I started leaning more towards bi, with a strong preference for men.

In 2012 I met my current girlfriend, we met on pounced and had the best conversations. We were, and still are, best friends. But the problem is me still struggling with my sexuality. I guess the way to explain it is I have a strong sexual/romantic attraction to men, while its mostly a romantic attraction to women. 

So now my sex life has dwindled to nothing, and I find myself resenting even getting into this relationship in the first place. Which is completely unfair to my mate, but I stay with her either out of being scared of being alone or for the fact I cling to some small hope I can fix it/change myself. 

It's worth putting in that we have an open relationship, but when I brought up that I would like to start seeing guys she shot the idea down saying that it was selfish of me to want to date men while our sex life together is near dead. And I completely agree with her that it was selfish for me to consider it. But I might need the help of a little blue pill with her, or even men for that matter, due to my problems.

I'm sorry for spilling that on you and I'm not even sure how to formulate a question out of this, except what do you think I should do? She is a dear and beloved friend, but the problem is that she feels more like a friend than a mate. And that's my fault, since the sex died with my arrousal issues, I put her in the friend category

Kreed (age 29)

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Dear Kreed,

News flash: if she is telling you that you can't see people then you are not in an open relationship. Not sure what her definition of "open relationship" is, but that ain't it. Therefore, you are in a monogamous relationship with a woman and you are not sexually attracted to women, only romantically so. The second thing you have incorrect is that you need "fixing." There is nothing wrong with you and you don't need to fix anything. You are sexually attracted to men and that is how you are. VERY unlikely that will change at the age of 29 and beyond. Finally, you are guilting yourself into staying in this relationship because you don't want to hurt her feelings. Wrong again. You are doing your friend a disservice by giving her false hope that you can force yourself to have sex with her, perhaps even resorting to pills. At the same time, this is causing resentment to build inside you. The longer you keep it inside, the more likely it is that it will explode in a hurtful way to both of you. Not healthy.

It is NOT your fault that you don't want sex with her. What IS your fault is that you are continuing to lead her on in a relationship that is almost certainly going to end in disappointment for you both.

This is a wake-up call for you, Kreed. Take out the garbage that is this guilt of yours and show her that you respect her and care enough about her enough to tell her the truth that a romantic relationship that includes sex is off the table.  What you need to do is recognize that this can be a wonderful friendship, but that it ends there.  This is not a bad thing.  Great friendships are to be cherished, but the longer you string her along, the more resentment will build, and the more likely it is you won't even be friends anymore, and you don't want to lose that, do you?

Tell her the truth of how you feel and do whatever you can to preserve your friendship.  Now would be a good time.

Hugs,
Papabear​

Dear Papabear,

The other day, I had a rare day out into the capital with one of my friends and I managed to meet up with a few of hers. One of them took me by surprise as he was an older guy, mid-40’s as a guess, with a nice round tummy. And, I do certainly have a thing for older, round-tummied men.

Once the day out had ended and I was back home, I wrote him a message asking if, because he was single, if he’d ever consider having a male companion. He told me he was cool with me being gay and liked me as a friend, but was only really interested in women. It’s a bit of a blow to discover this is a straight-crush, but that’s besides the point. Even if it never goes romantic, he still seems like he’ll be a great friend to me.

The point is that he’s a smoker. He told me he only does about 3 a day, so it could be a lot worse. But, regardless, smoke is still smoke. I’ve had a highly adverse attitude to smoking for as long as I can remember, partially because of how it’s a key sign of falling for peer pressure, partially because of all the health-risks it imposes (I do actually wander if I have some milder form of asthma, given how easily I get out of breath when I attempt to run or jog, but I’ve never been diagnosed or anything. I also can’t help but think that it can’t taste all that good to kiss someone who smokes. Perhaps that’s something that could be resolved with a good tooth-brushing, but if it tastes as bad as it smells, I’m not all too sure.

All that being said, I did still fancy this guy, despite knowing he smoked. He was friendly and charming and, in my eyes at least, a very good looking fellow. So, I do question if smoking should be something I put to one side when looking for guys. Therefore, I ask, what should I do if I come across another man I fancy and they also turn out to be a smoker? Do I favour my metaphorical heart, or the one that pumps blood around my body? Or, maybe something in-between?

I guess this is the curse of being attracted to rounder guys. They might be better for rubbing and snuggling up against, but they’re rarely the result of a healthy lifestyle.

Hugs,
Anonymous 

* * *

​Dear Furiend,

Since this fellow is straight then there is no issue about kissing, and since he only smokes three fags a day, I'm sure you can hang out once in a while and avoid the smoke. Put that one aside.

Yes, smoking is a bad habit and I, too, avoid smokers. My parents were horrible smokers. I would come home from school and there would be fog banks of smoke in the house and the walls turned yellow with tar. I am convinced, too, that this was the source of all the earaches and infections I got as a child, which eventually led to a burst abscess in my ear and partial deafness. I despise smoking, especially cigarettes. I do admit, though, that I love the smell of a good pipe. It's weird that I find pipes sexy and attractive, but cigarettes make me retch. And it's not just the mouth of the smoker that is affected. Most smokers' clothes also smell of smoke, as do their homes. So, yeah, blech.

I wouldn't necessarily call smoking a moral failure, however. My mother started smoking after she gave birth to my sister and gained weight. This was back in 1962, and her doctor recommended she take up smoking to lose weight. There are still people today who smoke as a way to keep from eating too much. Also, cigarette companies fill the tobacco with nicotine to deliberately get people addicted, so there's that. As for older guys with tummies being unhealthy.... Hehe, well, when you get a bit older and your metabolism slows down it becomes more and more difficult to keep yourself thin. Back when I was in my twenties I could eat about anything and my weight was 140 lbs (63 kg). Today, I give a sideways glance at a brownie and gain three pounds. It is even harder for women than men to lose weight because of their physiology being designed to maintain fat to sustain producing children. Another thing, too, can be medications. My fiance is overweight because the medications he takes for various problems stemming from his military service cause him to gain and maintain pounds.  There are a number of drugs out there that do this, and you can't do much about it if you have to take the medicine to survive. So lets' not be too judgmental, shall we?

As for falling in love with a chubby smoker.... Fall in love with the person, not the appearance, when it comes to weight.  Habits are a different matter.  Sometimes, if you fall in love with someone who, say, smokes, you can convince them to stop and help them to do so. (BTW, furs, vaping is bad for you, too; don't be fooled.)

Same with more difficult things such as alcohol and illicit drugs.  It can be a tough row to hoe, though, and you really have to love them deeply to commit to that kind of stress.  If you are just meeting someone like that for the first time it might be best to say, "Thanks, but no thanks."

Take it on a case-by-case basis. There is no catch-all answer that applies to everyone.

Hugs,
Papabear

Dear Papa Bear,

Hello! My name is Coffee, and I am in my first relationship. I don't really know if it is a very official relationship. It was a bit sudden. It started when in a discord vc we got married as a joke and it was all fun and stuff. The day after he asked me if I would like to go on a date and date him. I had never really dated anyone before, I mean you could count kindergarten dates but I don't, and so I was pretty stunned that this would happen. He's a nice guy and he cares about me, but I don't know. I'm not sure if I like him as much or in the same way he likes me. The guy, let's call him Jake, I think likes me quite a bit. The problem is we live quite far apart. We have 13 hours between us, and so it can be a bit difficult keeping up with each other. This is not to say we haven't tried like working it out I guess, we had our date (we went on a movie night) and are planning to go on another one. However I don't whether this is fair for him, or I guess myself. He deserves being with someone that cares about him as much as he cares about them, and I guess I do too, which I think is a bit selfish. I'm not sure what to do. I kind of want to break up with him because I'm not as into the relationship as I would want to be, but I really don't know how to go about it. Do I vc him? Text him? I feel like it would be best to do it over vc but I don't know if I'm up to it. If I was given more time with him to really get to know him maybe I'd like him more but IDK. I apologize for this brain dump, I realize it might be all over the place but that's just how my mind is working through this problem right now.

Coffee (age 17)

...
Dear Papabear,

I submitted a question about my relationship situation around a week ago and I wanted to remind you of it. I also wanted to tell you of some recent developments! I got some advice from a friend of mine that the next time my boyfriend (?) (I forgot what I called him in the last letter so I'll call him Wolfie) and I had a date that I should see how I feel after the date and break it to him. I'm grateful for her advice, and I trusted that she had my best intentions in mind. We have been friends for a couple of years now and we've helped each other through some hard times. Well, Wolfie and I were having a doodling date that night, so I made myself some coffee and put a little liquid courage in it before heading up and getting on VC. 40 minutes into the date he started kinda asking questions, and I told him how I felt. It might have been the extra ingredient in my coffee or my guilt but what I had struggled to tell him in previous conversations just spilled out. He understood where I was coming from and, albeit close to tears, told me that it was alright and that he would be willing to wait for as long as I needed. I thought, and still think, that Wolfie has a heart of gold and everything and that he loves me, but I guess this is the same problem as the one you discussed in your latest "He Wants to Hear I Love You Back" letter, but in the opposite person's view. I haven't felt a spark and we haven't spent much time together, and so I'm really not sure how to go about this. I've only ever had 2 crushes in my life, both of which were because the guy was extremely cute/handsome and neither of which were romantic. I'm not really sure what to do at this point. I explained to Wolfie that I felt guilty in keeping him from finding someone who loved him like he loves me, but he insisted that he could be patient. 

I hadn't really thought about it, but this new development has kinda made me question my romantic orientation. Am I demi? Am I aro? I've tried to read up on the romantic spectrum, and a lot of the aromantic stuff says that aromantics don't have an instinctual want for a romantic relationship, so I don't think I'm aro because I still feel the need to be held and still have some want for a relationship maybe way down the line. But at the same time, I'm not sure if I'm demi simply because my thoughts around relationships always were centered around the question of sexuality, and not so much romanticism. 

I hope that this information will maybe help you keep a clearer picture of my situation. 

Yours Truly,

Coffee

* * *

Dear Coffee,

You're overthinking this with regard to your sexual/romantic orientation. The reason you're having a hard time connecting romantically to Wolfie/Jake is simple: distance. You are 13 hours apart, right? Your relationship is mostly via the phone and the computer. This is a fairly new development in human relationships, so there is still much debate on social media and among sociologists and psychologists as to how feasible and practical LDRs really are. If you want Papabear's opinion, a relationship with little or no physical contact is lacking an essential ingredient that will leave both parties wanting. They simply are not satisfying.

Is it possible that, in the future, the two of you will be living in close proximity? If not, my opinion is that you are better off just being friends and that, in addition, this has no relevance to your romantic orientation. That is something you can only figure out when you've had a couple relationships of a physical nature (not meaning sex necessarily, but human beings need touch, hugs, kisses). If you do plan on living near each other or even with each other at some point, then have patience until that comes along and perhaps don't break it off just yet. Young people are always in such a hurry to make decisions about their lives that really should not be rushed into. You have time.

Hope this helps.

Hugs,
Papabear​

Hello Papa Bear,

My name is Kreed and I'm a 29 year old husky living in southern Louisiana. I've been in the fandom since pre-teens and have pretty much grown up with it and love it more than anything.

Now my problem is, I'm going to be turning 30 in October. I'm no longer going to be known as a young fur but a grey-muzzle now, ironically my beard is infact greying. My only problem is that the vast majority of the fandom are younger furs, and want nothing to do with an "oldie" like me, trust me I've tried befriending some.

So my question is if there's still a place for a greymuzzle like me in this fandom full of younger furs? Or should I hang up my sona and say thanks for the good run?

Borks and wags,
Kreed

* * *

Dear Kreed,

OMG yes! There is a place for you in the fandom and always will be! Are you on Facebook? If so, please join the Greymuzzle group there that I administer. We are 1,686 members and growing, with furries aged 30 to 74 (and no age limit on the higher end, of course).

In this bear's opinion, greymuzzles are hardcore furries. Yes, the majority of furries are in their teens and twenties, but many of those furries drop out of the fandom when they "get too old for childish stuff" and mutate into mundanes (how sad). Hardcore furries are furries for life with no limit because they are furries in their hearts and the only way one can change that is through invasive surgery ;-3

Do not hang up your fursona. Don't make me come over there and spank you, bad boy. Stay furry!

Hugs,
Papabear