Ask Papabear

Hello, Papabear,

I just wanted to talk a bit about some things that have been bothering me (mostly relates to the furry fandom, I promise). Anyway, I've been a part of the furry fandom for technically 10 years ever since I discovered what fursonas were back in early high school (though my childhood love of anthro animals in Disney and WB cartoons actually predates my discovery of the fandom).

Anyway, for a while I grew interested in the artwork of certain furry artists on deviantART. Sure, the furry art was enjoyable but over time, I discovered the site known as FurAffinity. I lurked on there for quite a few years (still on there) but since I was a teenager, I was quite paranoid and anxious about it because I usually enjoyed the more...expansive furry art. It's kind of embarrassing but inflation and weight gain art was and is still very appealing to me but even though I very much favorite family friendly furry art and those artists I like too, it's been part of the reason I'm unsure of how to actually try and show my parents the tame (family friendly) side of the fandom so they don't get weirded out by the whole fandom and tell me not to do it even though I want to be a part of the community more, genuinely make friends and go to furcons/furmeets.

The thing is that I had gone through a very traumatic experience back in primary school where I was made fun of a lot but even worse, people made fun of my weight behind my back. It shattered my worldview and made me anxious, upset and scared people may have secretly hated me for so long and just were pretending to like me and I would have no idea who actually did it. It deeply affected me right into high school to the point where I was lonely, severely depressed and suicidal but even though I don't want to die now, I just want friends who understand me (I have friends but I barely see them and none of them are furries). That horrible experience still affects me to this day. I still am afraid of what people think of me and I have social anxiety at times and it's for that reason why I'm not sure about going to a furry convention because of all the squeakers and mutes that I'd feel unable to talk to and I'd feel intimidated too.

My parents (they're separated) do love me and are not religious because they thought we would be effectively brainwashed with hateful propaganda. The reason I stopped being a Christian years ago was because of the conservative bigots over the years who hate the LGBT+ community (I'm bisexual). It's just I never told them about the furry fandom except for this one time by PC froze up, my mum walked in and violated my privacy by going into my FurAffinity faves that I was browsing on which was both mortifying and infurating. She said it was disturbing (her words) and even though I empathized with her feelings, I've always by instinct minimized/muted my browser whenever I go out of my room because the thought of people looking into my...interests only makes me immensely uncomfortable because I fear being judged by my family when I already have a mild learning disability (Aspergers) and I already have a hard time dealing with loneliness and my frustrations with my own family after we split apart. They don't judge my disability and they are supporting me on that so that's good.

I don't want to keep hiding this fandom from them anymore. It keeps eating away at me and makes me feel worse about myself. I obviously feel uncomfortable showing the suggestive kink art but I'd rather show the family friendly works so they can at least understand (I hope).

Though all in all, what I'm trying to ask is is it wrong liking that artwork (even the family stuff), let alone being a furry?

I just want to know because this has been bothering me for a long time and I would love to get an answer as soon as you can.

Sincerely, Sam the dog (age 23, Australia)

* * *

Dear Sam,

You should know that in the furry world you are in good company. There is a plethora (love saying that word: plethora! PLEH-THOO-RAAH LOL) of furries who really like big furries, inflation, or both. Heck, there is a Facebook group that is not at all ashamed to call the group Fat Furry Fans, and there is a group of over 700 members called Inflatable Furries/Scalies. As a FurAffinity and deviantArt member who collects such art, you must surely be aware that these are popular subcultures within the subculture of furries in general, yes? So, while your experience within the mundane world involving shaming because of your weight is indeed harsh, I firmly believe you will be much more accepted at furry conventions and other social gatherings than you are in the mundane world.

Addressing the whole parent thing: While it is important for a parent to have an interest in their kids' lives and behaviors, and they should try to protect them from harm, it is intrusive to spy on sexual behavior--at least, legal sexual behavior. Everyone has private sexual habits that are not for everyone's eyes, and sneaking onto your computer to check out what you like in porn is a violation of your privacy and trust. Many parents think that trust is a one-way street, but it should be both ways: you should trust your parents and they should trust you. You don't sneak onto their computers and they shouldn't sneak onto yours. That said, having a secretive behavior is not cool, either. 

This is, admittedly, a tricky thing in families. You want to be open and have good communication, but on the other paw, you have a right to some privacy. I'm sure Mom and Dad have some sexual proclivities they are not anxious to tell you about, too. Parents, under the law, have certain rights and responsibilities, including providing you with food, clothing, and a secure environment. However, you are now 23, which is legal age, so they have absolutely NO business butting into your business. Just because you have Asperger's is no excuse to treat you like a child, either.

It should be noted here, though, that online sexual behavior between minors or between a minor and an adult is illegal, both federally and in most states in the United States. You, of course, are from Australia, where it is also illegal, and a penalty of up to two years in prison is possible there. Because of these laws--which are pervasive internationally--it can be dangerous for you to explore sexuality online. This, sorry to say, is particularly true with furry sites because a huge part of the demographic is under 18 years of age. The part where you have to be careful is with any art or real-life photos that show minors (some furries into the babyfur scene have discovered that, sad to say), all of which can be classified as child pornography. Also, doing sexual RP online with someone who is a minor can be construed as breaking the law. This is particularly difficult in the furry world because there are people online who are under 18 who pose as adults when they RP or share art. You must be very very very cautious.

Bottom line: 1) According to your letter, your parents sound pretty cool for the most part; strike up an honest conversation with them about your interest in furries. Tell them you appreciate their interest in your life and their desire to keep you safe, but do insist that you deserve a little privacy when it comes to sex just as you respect their privacy on such matters; 2) keep your regular furry behavior and your sexual interests separate--at least, while you still live with your family; if you save art, keep it on an external drive that you keep in a safe place or in the cloud or somewhere where it is not readily available to someone without a password. You can fave art on your FurAffinity page and keep it from prying eyes by logging out of FA when you go offline and then using your password to get back in. Never share your password with anyone, obviously, even people you think you can trust; 3) and once you have your G furry life separated from your adult furry life, open up more about your furriness to your parents, with an emphasis that there is a HUGE difference between being a furry and one's sex life and that the two are not bound together in the furry community (i.e., furry isn't about sex; it is about furry fun is all). Finally, you're 23. Time to move out of your parents' house and start your own life. You can do it. Mild Asperger's should not hinder you.

It is okay for you to be furry. It is okay to have sexual desires. It is okay if those sexual desires are "unconventional" as long as you are not hurting people (e.g., rape is not okay, child molestation is not okay, but you are not engaging in either of those, so you're cool).

Hope that helps.

Big Bear Hugs,
Papabear

Dear Papabear,

It’s been quite a while since I wrote my first letter, and I never properly thanked you what you’d written me. So, Thank you very much! Your kind words helped me decide to really buckle down. In the year to come, I have chosen to focus my career and school involvement on film. I’m truly excited to see what the future holds for me.

This letter is also focused on the future, or rather, my future with someone. At the start of this year I met a fantastic guy at a furry con. Something struck me about him and inspired me to reach out to him after the convention. The two of us have been talking with each other daily since then, and have met up several times at conventions through the year. On a deeper level we’ve both helped each other through difficult times this past year, the loss of his father, and the animosity I perceived from certain friends. Even more recently we spent a fantastic weekend together; exploring towns, attending a furry pool party, and more.

During that weekend I asked him what he would call us. He expressed that he felt we were very close friends, and followed by asking me if what I felt for him was love.

While holding him in my arms, I told him yes.

It takes me a while to fall in love, He told me the same about himself. He comes from a very strict background and opening up is hard for him. But he wants to open up to me, and he even gave me tips on how to help him with it.

I know that I love him, and knows it too. At every turn he has shown me that it’s okay, and that he truly appreciates my affection. But, he also expressed that he has yet to feel a spark, and seems to genuinely want to.

I want this to be his decision, I don’t want to convince him. I guess my question is, 
Is it okay to want things?

At the close of my last relationship, I asked myself the same question. I keep getting close to why I feel it’s not okay for me to want things; I fear that my selfishness will hurt someone. That if it’s meant to be it will be, and if it’s not…. It still hurts.

I wanted this to be a shorter or a simpler problem than last time.… Anything you think may help will always be appreciated.

Sincerely,
Rillee Satranack

* * *

Dear Rillee,

Glad to hear that you have some exciting things going on in your life. 

Is it okay to want things? Yes and no. On one paw, everyone has wants and desires in life, and feeling guilty about that because you somehow feel selfish or unworthy is something that many misguided people endure.

Let's rephrase your question: Are you worthy of love and happiness? Absolutely, you are. It is not selfish to want to be happy and to have people in our lives to love.

Where we get into problems is when we have clingy, needy, codependent love. Love can be demanding and selfish and one-way. These are unhealthy expressions of love that are often born of low self-esteem and usually end up destroying relationships.

In your case, no, I don't think you are being selfish, clingy, or unreasonable. You are approaching this with caution and creating communication with your love interest that is open and honest. Wonderful!  Great job!

The question now becomes: Will he love you back? There's no way I can answer for him, of course. Clearly, he has affection for you, so that is a solid start. Also, the best and most dependable love relationships begin with good friendships. Blessed are they who find love with their best friends!

My advice to you in this case is just take it slowly. Keep the communication open; keep doing things with him and share good times. Don't push him or nag him to answer the question, "Do you love me back?" For some reason, he might not be ready for that just yet, but that doesn't mean he won't ever be.

This will sound very open-ended and inconclusive, but just enjoy what you have now and see where it goes. Live in the moment. It's fine to let him know what you are feeling, but don't press him. When the moment is right and he decides, he will tell you.

Love is a marathon, not a sprint.

Blessed Be,
Papabear

Dear Papabear,

I live right near Midwest Furfest and I've been wanting to go, plus I'll be 16 by the time it happens and It will be my first fur-con. I don't want to go there with my parents, but I want to find someone that can take me there that isn't a creepo or pedo, you know what I mean. My parents are aware that I am a member of the fandom, but I haven't told them that I wanted to go to MFF. I was planning on going there on the train with my temporary guardian so my parents don't have to go with me and I can have some sort of safety assurance. To cut to the chase, Is there a good resource to find someone to go with me and how can I get my parents to understand I want to go and be by myself once I find someone?

Anonymous

* * *

Dear Furiend,

Actually, I recommend you DO ask your parents to go with you. Why? A couple of reasons: 1) taking them with you to a furcon, especially a well-run con like MFF, will help allay any fears they might have about the fandom. Whenever Papabear talks with a parent who has actually attended a furry convention, they inevitably say it was a positive experience and gave them a much better impression of the fandom; 2) by inviting them to come with you, you are showing them that you are not being secretive about the fandom and that you have nothing to hide about your interests in being a furry.

I understand that you may feel that taking your parents with you is going to cramp your style and that teenagers often feel embarrassed when they are around their parents at social events, but you will see that many furries at the con will likely think it is super cool that your parents are there and that they support you. With luck, your parents could even have an awesome time and see that this is an activity that is creative and fun!

So, no, there is not a "good resource" to find substitute parents or guardians to go with you to a furry convention. At 15, you need a parent or guardian with you, you really do. Now, according to the MFF Code of Conduct, which is similar to that of most furcons: "Unemancipated individuals under the age of 18 (minors), unless accompanied by a parent or guardian, must present a signed and notarized parental permission form to receive a badge. Accompanying parents or guardians of minor attendees are responsible for the behavior, activities, and location of their charges." So, if you don't go with a parent or guardian, you're going to need them to sign paperwork for you to get an attendance badge. You might as well go the whole nine yards and take them with you.

After the first time you go to a furcon, your parents might agree to signing a form to allow you to go by yourself or with friends, but for your virgin trip, as a minor, I highly recommend that one or both of them accompany you.

Hope it all works out and you have a great time!

Papabear
​

Dear Papabear,

So I just recently found out about the furry community, and I feel that it speaks to me on a level which I have never felt before. All my life, I have been looking for this sort of community, but I might have a problem.

As much as I love all furry creatures, I find myself most attracted to insects - they fascinate me as well as make me just feel so warm and fuzzy inside. The feelings that other furries have described about mammals, I feel about insects, the cockroach in particular.

I was just wondering and hoping that even though I feel such an attraction to insects (specifically cockroaches), I can still be a part of the furry community. In the past, I have only been able to dress up in my roach costume alone, and no one else has been able to share in my joy.

Also, I am kind of confused as to if the furry community is okay with having a kind of sexual attraction to animals. Whenever I see a particularly good-looking insect, I just can't help but get that kind of hot adrenaline rush that comes with it. I would never, of course, want to ever engage in sexual activity with an insect, but maybe someone dressed AS an insect.

Maybe that's too much and not normal though. It seems like some other furries take their furriness into their sexual lives though, and I would love to be able to do the same in my cockroach suit.

Anyway, thanks so much!
 
Roachie (age 26)
 
* * *
 
Dear Roachie,
 
Yes, you are clearly new to the fandom because you evidently have never heard of a famous furry named Uncle Kage (real name, Dr. Samuel Conway). Kage has been a prominent voice in the furry community, being one of the organizers of Anthrocon (the world’s largest furry convention) in Pittsburgh and as a kind of self-appointed spokesfur for the community (if you google him you will find videos of him talking to the media about what furries are).
 
And his fursona? You guessed it: a cockroach.
 
Kage is by profession an organic chemistry researcher. As a scientist, he apparently came to admire the cockroach as a species that is a survivor, and that’s why he chose this insect as his fursona. (I believe I’m recalling this correctly; been a while since I heard him speak at a furcon.)
 
I have seen other insects in the fandom, too. Usually, species such as bees and butterflies, but I’ve seen others such as various beetles, moths, wasps, spiders (arachnids, of course), and so on.
 
So, yeah, you can most certainly have an insect or arachnid as a fursona. Kiddo, there are no such thing as restrictions when it comes to designing your fursona. You could even create a hybrid that is part insect and part mammal or reptile or whatever.
 
And, yes, I have seen some furry porn involving insects, too. Psychologists call this formicophilia. When it involves real-life insects, the arousal might be about the stimulation of having hundreds of tiny legs tickling your body all over, or perhaps even an S&M fantasy of being stung or bitten. Now, you said you would not be into that and would be aroused more by a human-sized insect, perhaps as a fursuit. The psychology behind this might have to do with the exotic, alien encounter of having sex with such a being—or the taboo behind it—which creates a sexual tension that people could find enticing.
 
Hey, to each his own. As Papabear always says, as long as you aren’t hurting anyone, just have fun with it and stop worrying.
 
Papabear

Dear Papabear,

I have a fursona, which is a German shepherd and macaw hybrid. He is a German shepherd with the markings and colors of a macaw. I thought my fursona was good to go, but then I saw other fursonas which were macaw hybrids too. I'm worried that I'll be accused of stealing their fursona's design's. I have a huge connection to this sona as he is nearly four years old and near and dear to me, but I don't want to be wrongfully accused and have to just throw him away because of possible bullying/harassment because of this. Is there anyway I can prepare myself if such accusations do occur? 

Thank you for reading!

Anonymous (age 14)

* * *

Dear Furiend,

Hmm, you know, I would have thought that a German shepherd/macaw mix would be fairly unique, too. I guess it just shows there are not many unique ideas under the sun. But I wouldn't worry about it. The species or species hybrid is just one part of your fursona. If furries went around accusing each other of plagiarism just because someone chose the same species, then we would all be in trouble. I mean, for example, I'm a grizzly bear, right? I'm certainly not the only furry with a grizzly fursona. Same goes for dogs, horses, cats, elephants, rats, deer, and on and on. In the hybrid realm, we have some popular mixes, such as angel dragons, minotaurs, gryphons, bearbulls (or bullbears LOL), folfs, tigons/ligers, wolfdogs, and so on.

The species is not the only thing about your fursona that is unique. But if you want to get into the nitty gritty, a dog/macaw hybrid can have many combinations of dog breeds and macaw species. There are 19 species of macaw and nearly 350 breeds of dogs, so that gives you thousands of possible combinations, all unique. Even if you stick to just shepherds, you still have 19 varieties of macaw to choose from. You can also be more particular about the shepherd. Within the shepherd species, there are the following varieties: American and Canadian Show Lines, West German Show Lines, West German Working Lines, East German Working Lines, and Czech Working Lines.

In addition to species, there are many variations you can have for your fursona, including these:
​

• Body build (e.g., i.e., athletic, chubby, average, macro, micro).
• Occupation (e.g. detective, wizard, scientist, warrior)
• Personality (friendly, aggressive, shy, funny, stupid, smart, sociable, party animal....)
• Clothing (nude, Medieval, Renaissance, tribal warrior, beach bum, armored knight, modern military, punk rocker, gangbanger etc.)

You can also play around a lot with details, such as eye color, size of feet, hands, mouth, length of fur or feathers, and so on.

You can see, I hope, that while there may be a number of other German shepherd/macaw hybrids out there, the variations on the theme are nearly endless. Play around with these and I'm sure you can find a unique fursona that is suited to your preferences and does not imitate what is already out there.

Stay Furry!
Papabear

Dear Papabear,

I feel absolutely destroyed and need advise from someone outside of my own personal friend circle who can offer insight on my predicament. I was in a relationship and engaged to a wonderful dragon. We rarely argued and when we did we were always able to overcome with patience and compromise. it took a lot of work and effort to get to our level of love/trust and I really thought we were going to make it for the long haul. That's why it was so surprising and painful when it all started slipping. I tried literally everything I could do to save us, but he stopped helping. He started spending all his time on telegram and twitter and started caring much more about his looks and his friends... and the whole time he said he was the bad guy and I was doing nothing wrong when i pointed out how it was hurting the relationship. He stopped talking to me.

I don't understand what happened. He was never very sexually driven. I knew he was Pan sexual and could have a desire for men, but we were open. He could RP online or go play with someone if he wanted I just wanted to keep the love and he agreed. He used to tell me that "This is the best relationship I've ever been in" and "you still give me butterflies". Everything came down in the span of a month. It went from so serene, tender and loving to "I have no love left for you" so quickly. Even worse he says I did nothing wrong. He leaped from loving fiance to I'm only into men and want to uproot my entire life in a Flash. He said he felt guilty so why didn't he try to save us? Why did he totally stone wall me when I was trying to figure out what had happened? Why didn't he mourn or come to me sooner when he started feeling bad? So many whys.

Its been a couple of months now and I'm still so torn up inside. I feel like it didn't matter that I gave him literally everything I had and that I was willing to give the rest of my life to him. It didn't matter that I was patent, loving, flexible, always there when he needed me, and so many other things I thought he deserved out of the relationship... How are you supposed to move on and build up after giving so much? How do I keep it from happening again.. because it felt like a big part of the break up was... because I'm not male. And why do I still love him and want to be with him even after all of this pain and after hes made it abundantly clear that he had nothing for me?

I'm sure time is an answer to this... but I sure would like to feel like I will survive this instead of death by great bleeding heart. Advise on the short term healing or maybe recommendations on long term relationships for next time?

Broken Hearted Blue (age 26)

* * *
​
Dear Broken Hearted,
 
I'm sorry you are going through this. I might be able to give you some insight into this because I am familiar with what I think is his side of it from a personal level. Not sure if you read much of my bio in this column over the years, but I was married to a lovely woman for 22 years. I went into the marriage honestly believing I was straight, but when I was forty I figured out I wasn't (long story short, I had a sheltered childhood and though all gay men were effeminate, which didn't appeal to me, but later I discovered the bear community and instantly identified with it). Anyway, after four long years trying to deny it to myself and to her, I came out to her. We both cried and, of course, this led to her divorcing me. The good news is that we remain friends and I still have a lot of love for her, but we could never be married again.
 
It might be that your dragon experienced something similar, only that he initially felt he was pansexual and later it dawned on him that he was only into men. Such revelations can come over time, or they can come quite abruptly, as seems to have happened with him.
 
Now, this only has to do with sexuality. There's a difference, as you know, between sexuality and love. What rather disturbs me about what he said to you (if I am understanding this correctly) is that not only does he no longer have a sexual interest in you, but he also no longer loves you. If, to him, sex is the same as love, then that speaks poorly of this young man. If, on the other hand, he is saying "I don't love you anymore" as a way of, perhaps, breaking things off more cleanly and permanently so as not to lead you on in any way, then that is still a rather cruel thing to do, but a little more understandable.
 
Either way, he has hurt you, and to be that cold to someone you professed to love is a dark path to walk. It makes me not like him very much, but then I don't have to.
 
Answering your questions: 1) Yes, you will survive this. You are 26. Every young person goes through heartbreak at one time or another. It is part of life and part of learning about relationships. Learn from the experience and take your new wisdom into the next relationship you have, but also don't sell the good memories short; it's okay to have fond memories of someone you are no longer with—good memories can make us stronger just as surviving bad ones can. 2) On the short term, the best thing for you to do is spend a little time focusing on you as an individual and not as half of a relationship. Remember, what happened (and he said this himself!) is not because of something wrong with you but, rather, something amiss with him. Spend the next few months contemplating who you are as a person, what you want out of life, and how to achieve it. Do this in terms of only yourself and not as a partner or spouse. 3) In the long term, it will help immensely if you become—from this experience and its aftermath—someone who knows who they are and what they want out of life; someone who is self-assured and confident in themselves; someone who has love in their heart but is not codependent or seeking a codependent relationship just to get by. Such people are immensely attractive. It's the ones who reek of desperation or neediness that chase potential suitors away. Then, as this confident person (not arrogant, confident), you will be much more likely to find someone who is better mate material. No guarantees, but that's life!
 
Hugs,
Papabear

Hi Papabear! 

I'm not in the furry fandom like most of the teens who write to you. I'm in the Marvel fandom. 

You probably heard of the movie Avengers: Infinity War, which came out a few weeks ago. I really want to watch it, but my mom thinks it's a bad influence (like it's too violent, etc). But we watch OTHER movies similar to Marvel, like Star Wars. They have violence too, so what's different about Infinity War?! 

Also my mom is pulling my best friend into this. She's also a Marvel fan. My mom thinks that she's influencing me into "idolizing" movies and actors and all that crap. I mean, I love Marvel, but I'm not letting it get between me and school and church!
She thinks I'm going become a serial killer because of the violence. 

She also thinks I want to watch the movie because of peer pressure; all my friends are watching it, so I've gotta watch it too. Well, NO. I'm not watching it because of peer pressure. I want to watch it because (and this may sound dumb) this movie is important to me. I'm in the fandom! I'm attached to these characters! I've cried and ranted over them! I see even myself in some of them; I can relate to some of the problems they face.

I'm careful. I'm not stupid; I know what movies I should and shouldn't watch. I even have Christian friends who've gone and seen Infinity War. CHRISTIAN FRIENDS. I really don't understand at all. 

I'm sorry for all the ranting. I hope you understood everything. Thank you. 


Jasmine (age 13)
 
* * *
 
Dear Jasmine:
 
It is true your mother is not being consistent. Like you said, why is Star Wars okay but Avengers isn’t? Makes no sense. Have you asked her to explain herself? If she doesn’t like superheroes, does she also have a problem with Harry Potter movies? How about crime dramas or war movies? Why or why not?
 
Getting back to superhero movies. Your mom’s idea that they can make children more violent does not come out of the blue. Studies such as this one have shown that kids exposed to the violence of superhero movies can exhibit (but don’t necessarily exhibit) more violent behavior. The influence on kids is likely stronger if they are exposed to the films at a younger age. The kids were between 3 and 6 years old, for the most part, in this study.
 
Also, the argument that such films, which feature characters doing violent things for noble causes and who are motivated to help people, translate into kids who are also more socially minded and concerned about the welfare of others does not fly. With regard to acting more protectively and charitably to others, there was no change before and after watching such films.
 
It must be repeated, though, that you are 13 now and, at that age, less likely to be so impressionable. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders, and one argument you could give your mom is, “Hey, Mom, you raised me better than that; you raised me to understand that violence is bad and be a good Christian, and I’m not going to go against that just because of some movie.” That said, I do understand where your mom is coming from. When I was your age, my parents wouldn’t let me see films like Jaws and The Exorcist. However, by the time I was 15 I was allowed to see Superman.
 
Your mom is trying to be protective of you, which is good. Better that than a mother who doesn’t give a damn about you, right? But have a conversation with her about what I said above and see if you can get a little more consistency and understanding from her.
 
Hugs,
Papabear

Dear Papa Bear, 

I've been in the fandom for quite a while, but also I've been a fan of other things like video games and anime. As I browse through some furry mediums like comics, literature and animation I've noticed something: the action genre is almost non-existent. Someone might argue that there's plenty of action on these mediums, but I would ask if they've even taken nods to stuff like Devil May Cry, Fist of the North Star, Yakuza, Bayonetta, Time Crisis, G-Gundam, Tekken, Guilty Gear, Ys, Die Hard, Streets of Rage, I could go on. The best I could find is this comic series on FA called This Primal World. It's a good read, worth checking out. So my question is, why is action the least tapped-into genre in the furry fandom?

Thanks,
Pete

* * *

Hi, Pete,

I really didn't know the answer to your question, so I asked Watts Martin, who is president of the Furry Writers' Guild. Here is what he wrote back: Hi! So, I asked around the Furry Writers' Guild Slack and got more or less nothing useful when it comes to furry action comics, and not a lot for action stories/novels; I suspect the problem is that while it's easy to think of "action movies," we don't really talk about comics and especially fiction quite the same way. (Yes, I know Superman first appeared in "Action Comics," but that kinda kicked off "superhero" as a genre, right?)

I can think of a few furry comics off the top of my head that certainly have action in them, at least:

• Dan Abnett & Ian Culbard's "Wild's End," a furry-ish take on "The War of the Worlds"
• Juan Diaz Canales & Juanjo Guarnido's "Blacksad," the pulp detective series
• Stan Sakai's "Usagi Yojimbo," the long-running samurai comic

There are also some now-defunct titles like Shawntae Howard's "Extinctioners" superhero comic and the short lived sci-fi title "Fusion," which included work by Steve Gallacci, Lela Dowling and novelist Steven Barnes.

For fiction, it's a bit easier to find stuff. Bad Dog Books' ebook site, for example, has an Action/Adventure category. Ones I see there I'd consider looking at include:

• Ursula Vernon's Black Dogs duology
• Mark Engels's Always Gray in Winter, a novel about werecats
• Roz Gibson's science fantasy Griffin Ranger duology
• Sasya Fox's sci-fi adventure Theta

Of course, there are other stories that might have a lot of action in them in other genres; Peter might just want to give things a look and see what pops out. Other titles that were mentioned on the Slack include Ryan Campbell's Smiley and the Hero and (ahem) the transhumanist sci-fi novel Kismet, by Watts Martin. I'm not familiar with "Wild's End," but I am with the Blacksad and Usagi Yojimbo books and they, indeed, have lots of action in them. I was particularly impressed by the Blacksad writing.

Hope that helps,
Papabear

Hi Papabear!
 
I have a question to ask and its about speech and fursuiting. I noticed that wile out of fursuit no one talks to me or acknowledges my presence. I just shrug my shoulders and think that maybe they are just too busy conversing with others. So this is normal for me. But as soon as I put on that head it seems like now everyone wants to talk to me. It gets me all confused because its like why talk to a fursuiter when you know that it hard to talk with them. They say something like "What? I can't hear you. Speak up!" It's quite hard to speak up with something is one's mouth. It also over times strains and bruises the vocal cords when trying to yell as loud as I can to make the non fursuiter here what I have to say. Then as I take off the head they stop talking or just walk away. It's like what is this? Are they playing some sort of mind game?

I just don't know if the non-suiters find it offensive when it comes to speech other than vocal. Friendly gestures while fursuiting can be a part of speech too. I experienced that scenario a few weeks ago at a furmeet. No one wanted to talk but as I got dressed up and put on the head that's when they wanted to say something. This one person kinda found it offensive just the way she used her tone of voice. "It's like why dont you converse or talk with others?" I'm like duh I'm in fursuit here. Stuff like that just ruins the magic and fun of being in character. Didn't want to say anything to the admin. staff about because I didnt want to ruin their happiness. She did that quite a few times too. I guess thy just have no idea how to RP in real life situations. I don't like to talk that much and that is why I use the fursuit. It's sort of like when you have your head phones are ear phones. Turn on the radio or listen and watch movies on the net and yup! People start making conversation and it's like "Hello! I'm listening to something here. I can't hear you" It's like do I have a sign on me that says please talk to me when I'm busy. I've seen people do this to others with fursuits. Not all but some. The person doesn't have fursuit on yet and nobody's around, but put it on and now everyone wants that person to say something. These people had a lot of time and opportunity to talk to that person beforehand but wasted that time doing something else.
​
I guess what I 'm trying to ask is Why do non suiters not use the time wisely to talk to the suiter before they walk around and perform? 
 
Cave (age 29)
 
* * *
 
Hello, Cave,
 
As the fandom grows, it is apparent that the fursuiting etiquette that was once common knowledge is being increasingly abandoned or just forgotten (or not taught at all). Now, I have only been fursuiting since 2010, but even then these things (below) were told to me about proper fursuiting, so it seems to be very recently that this has gotten out of hand.

To all of you out there, fursuiters and non-suiters alike, here is a quick list what used to be, at least, fursuit etiquette:

1. You DO NOT dehead in public (except in cases of emergency, such as you are going to pass out from heat exhaustion unless you dehead). If you are getting overheated and don’t want to completely remove your fursuit, that is the reason furcons provide the headless room, complete with fans and cold water. Dehead there, cool off, put the head back on and go outside again. Why is deheading forbidden in public? Because by keeping yourself in fursuit you are creating a fantasy that comes to life, which is at the core of the fun of fursuit performance. Deheading destroys the fourth wall, as they say in theater, and ruins the illusion of your being a furry.
2. Unless you are very experienced as a fursuiter (and sometimes even then), you should always have a handler nearby. Handlers are buddies who help you not run into things, trip over stuff, negotiate stairs, and keep people from being annoying—such as touching, hugging, kissing, tugging on you without permission.
3. Similarly, fursuiters should not approach, hug, etc. people unless they are okay with it. This is especially true with children unless parents are fine with it.
4. Non-suiters should always ask permission to take photos.
5. NEVER sneak up behind (or even to the side) of a fursuiter and then make contact with them. Fursuiters have bad or no peripheral vision, and this can be very startling and unnerving.
6. When you are in fursuit, you should be IN CHARACTER. You are no longer Bob Smith or Jane Jones. You are now your fursona and you should behave as your fursona.
7. Talking: It used to be that almost no fursuiters talked while in character, and communication was always done with gestures and maybe some animal noises or (a la Telephone) cute squeaks and such. This was in the tradition of Disney mascotting in which characters such as Mickey Mouse never spoke to guests even though the cartoon mouse could talk. Another reason was that most fursuit heads did not have articulating jaws, so it looked weird to talk. That has changed somewhat now, especially with improvements to costumes (Grubbs’ jaw moves, for example), but when you speak you really should do so in character.
8. Non-suiters note #7: If you want to chat with the performer as him/herself, do so when they are not in character; if you want to chat with the fursona, that’s fine, but don’t expect a conversation from that person as their real selves.

 
The reason why you find people wanting to talk to you in your fursuit, Cave, is this: fursuits break down the communication barrier by making people more at ease. You see, when an unfamiliar face approaches someone and tries to initiate a conversation, this is a very real thing and can be intimidating to some people, especially for those who are socially shy, which is a common issue in the fandom. Furries (and mundanes) tend to form cliques and circles of friends with whom they are comfortable and then pretty much ignore everyone else. This is a type of defense mechanism.
 
But when you are in fursuit, you suddenly become an object of fascination, a fantasy character who has come to life, and this is, obviously, very appealing to a furry fan. They don’t feel intimidated anymore because your fursona is attractive and they want to get closer to you. It is also true, in my opinion, that because you are a fantasy being at this point, you are more approachable because you aren’t, in a sense, real. Therefore, you are not threatening to them, if that makes sense.
 
One of the things I enjoy about fursuiting is just this thing: it breaks down barriers. People come up to me and hug me! And they would never do that if I was just walking around as Kevin Hile. So, don’t be annoyed by people wanting to converse with you in suit; think of your fursuit, instead, as a tool for breaking down the wall between people and connecting to them. If they want to talk to you, talk back—but do it as your fursona. Keep the magic alive. That’s the fun of fursuiting!
 
Hugs,
Papabear

Hey Papabear, 

So, my names Kayne, I'm 22 and I been a furry for about ten years or so now. I always wanted to fursuit and be active in the community. I finally ordered my suit and all that and I'm really excited for it. But, in my haste to get my suit I overlooked some details that really started bumming me out later. 1. I'm thick. I'm 5'6 245 lbs, (167 cm 111 kg) and though I'm well proportioned, I have a gut, I dislike said gut.(Even though my boyfriend loves it) and I'm worried how it'll look in fursuit. I don't want my stomach to be sticking out while I'm in suit and it look bad. I work out in the sun all day so I'm not concerned with heat or stamina, I'm concerned with my appearance in suit. My question is, do you think it'll be really noticeable in Fullsuit that I have this bigger sized belly?

With Regards,
Kayne

* * *

Dear Kayne,

Hmm, will your belly be visible.... If it is form-fitting, the fursuit will definitely show the belly, especially if your fursona is, say, a reptile and there is no fur to sort of hide it. If it is baggy and doesn't fit well, it will hide the belly but look bad, like a cheap mascot suit or something bought from a Halloween costume store.  One thing you could do, if you are so inclined, is add clothing to your fursuit that will help disguise the underlying physique.  You could, for example, wear a trenchcoat, a cape, or a robe.  But if you do that, you might as well have just gotten a partial and saved yourself some money.

I'm not really sure why this bothers you. You walk around all day in your human form with your belly, so why should that be different in a fursuit? Also, many fursonas look more adorable if they are, shall we say, foofy. Heck, I ADDED a lot of padding to my fursuit because bears are not skinny and I thought it looked better. Too, many furries love cushy, round fursuits, so this certainly will not detract from your popularity. It might even add to it.

But, if you REALLY want a clear-cut reply from me, send Papabear a photo. Hard to tell with just text.

And if you are self-conscious about your weight (or just wish to be healthier), I don't think you need Papabear to tell you what you need to do.

I'm sure you'll be fine!

Foofy Hugs!
Papabear

Papabear,

So I understand this has been covered many times, but there is a big problem for me that I'd like to address, and that's that my parents think fursuiting is dumb. I joined the fandom when I was 11, and I've been hiding my interest about it. When I first showed my dad my fursona, he said it was "dumb" and that I should be spending more time doing work. It hurts because I've been saving money to get a fursuit, but every time something comes up where I have to use my savings, and I start all over.

The main point is that my parents don't like the idea of me spending so much time on what I love, because they think it's a dumb concept, and that it's too expensive. I am feeling down about it, and I'd really like a little help, even if it's just telling me best ways to save up.

Anonymous (age 14)

* * *

Dear Furiend,

We have two questions here: how to address your parents and how to get money for a fursuit. Your parents believe that work is more important than your "dumb" interest in furries. You don't specify why they think it is dumb, but it sounds like they see your interests as frivolous and you should be focusing on studying and, I suppose, getting a job, even though you are only fourteen. This is a problem that is widespread in modern American society. Parents no longer see the value of hobbies and play. Instead, they take away play too early and, if anything, allow for only structured activities such as being on a soccer team or taking dance lessons.

But playing is important. In fact, there are scientific studies that show it is important and all young people should indulge in play (and 14 is not too old to do so). Here is a paper all about the importance of play in physical, social, and emotional development. Play can take all kinds of forms, and indulging in being active in the fandom is just one, but a legitimate one. Therefore, it is not "dumb." People who grew up being allowed to have unstructured play grow up to be healthier and more sociable than those who do not. It can even help with your creative and cognitive skills. As the saying goes, "All work and no play makes Jack (or Jill) a dull boy/girl."

Life is not all about work. It is not all about school. Play is important.

As for raising money for a fursuit, well, yes, they can be expensive. Instead of buying a new, full suit, how about getting a used one or a partial? You'll save a lot. As for the money you'll still need, do you have a way to make a little money? Do yard work or other chores or dog walking? Saving money is all about discipline. I'm not sure what you mean by "something comes up" that forces you to spend money you are saving, but if the "something" is not an emergency, then you need to learn how to prioritize. What is more important? Saving for your furry hobby or spending money on something else? If furry is more important, then don't waste money on things that are not essential.

Hope that helps, and good luck!

Papabear

Good Evening, Papa Bear.

I am writing to ask your advice on what I should do regarding wishing to share my work again, but being apprehensive to. Firstly, I'm aware advice often given in this case, with all good intents, is "ignore the haters and do it anyway." That may be fine for "normal" folks, but I must share with you I suffer from C-PTSD, which caused me to also suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Persistent Depressive Disorder. (Don't worry Papa, I see a therapist weekly)

So, for me, it's not just a matter of shrugging off trolls and haters. My writing was the main thing that got me through my hellish childhood; I didn't write then but now to help me deal, and my OC's mean everything to me. It cuts me to the bone when a stranger on the net calls one a faggot (this happened) or another time "your art is frowned upon because anthro machines are for children, it's not ok that you draw this," so I left DA and even FA cause I couldn't handle all the negative attention on my dear work.

I saw a blog around this time from a person who said, essentially, "If you are this sensitive, you have no business on the net. Create a private blog to share with family and friends only." So that's what I did, Papa, and I guess it worked, but it feels sad to be run out of town, so to speak, but I also know I can't handle people's meanness cause of my issues, either.

What do YOU think, Papa Bear? I am hoping you have some familiarity with the nature of G.A.D. and understand this is not mere "wimpiness" on my part but a damaged girl truly trying her best.

Best wishes, Dear One.

-LonelyRider

* * *

Dear LonelyRider,

Over the last year and a half or so, I have become personally quite aware of PTSD and anxiety disorders because of my boyfriend. He is a Vietnam vet who was on the front lines and suffers greatly from that experience to this day.  He takes medication so that he doesn't have nightmares, yet he is very on edge much of the time during the day.  A slight thing can set him off.  He, like you, has a therapist, but the bottom line is that, even though intellectually he knows there is no reason for him to act this way in a secure and loving home, he will always be this way because he is damaged just in a way that is just as real as someone who has lost a limb in action.

Therefore, in your case, you are right. My saying, "Just ignore the haters and chase after your dream" will not alleviate your anxiety and feelings of being butthurt. Your condition leaves you as vulnerable to criticism as a diabetic is to sugar.  Unfortunately, there is no insulin-comparable drug for you, although there are some medications for depression and anxiety that might help alleviate issues a bit to make them tolerable.

It's good that you have a therapist, but you might also want to get involved in some group therapy. Has your therapist suggested this to you? Have you tried other avenues besides one-on-one therapy? One thought that springs to mind is going to a camp.  Did you know that there are special camps for people with PTSD and GAD?  The benefit of these camps is twofold: 1) you get a break from the day-to-day life and can focus on you, and 2) you can learn and share with others who share your problems, get empathy, sympathy, plus some needed social interactions.  The more social interaction you get with others, the more skills you develop that you can use when you return to daily life so you can deal better with people who rub you the wrong way.

So, my advice to you is first work on your PTSD/GAD until you feel a bit more able to manage your feelings around "regular" life situations.  Only then would I re-address how to share your art with the world.  You will never get over it entirely, but you should be able to get to a point where you can manage the stress better.

Hugs,
Papabear

Hey, it's me again.

​Bit of an update on my situation. I didn't sign up for meetup, as there were too many things requesting my identity, which I found to be sketchy. Furrymap didn't help, since the guy you pointed out never responded to me even when I messaged him. But that's not the important part.

See, loneliness I can deal with. I've at least found a small group of furs (though some are simply transformation enthusiasts) on discord who I sometimes refer to as my "family" simply due to the fact that it's mainly a closely-knit group of people within a small circle, where new people are welcomed but rare.

Meanwhile, in real life, my situation is getting worse. My father has become paranoid that his job is potentially going to use his skills (what he does is basically advise other businesses on how to improve their management and working quality) for their own gain, while only treating him as a tool. This leads him to often become stressed, and he will usually isolate himself in the garage and drink a glass of wine and smoke a cigar. One night he was more stressed than usual, and actually managed to get drunk. He then began verbally shouting and insulting both me and my mother, and this is only one of many times he's done something like this. He also tends to act like we (Mom and I) must be subservient to his will, and he'll often berate me for any small mistakes I make, such as when it took me a long time to finish a day's worth of homework, or when I accidentally got a party member killed while playing Icewind Dale with him (it should be noted that in the game you can pay for resurrection, but he's so stingy he'd rather reload every time someone dies.)

All his anger stresses Mom, who will often, when stressed, take it out on me. She often snaps at me for minute things, such as if I've forgotten to do something she asked me to, or if I haven't gotten everything I need for school in my backpack together yet. All this stress, compiled with the stress of school in general, makes me begin to feel like I'm about to implode. At this point my only solace is that family on discord, who are never quick to anger and will always provide helpful advice, as well as my boyfriend, who is very much a comforting soul to know (another thing: dad doesn't know about my relationship and he'd flip his shit if he knew).

The fact that they (or at least a few members in the server) obviously care for me is what keeps me going and not giving in to my sorrow. But lately things I seem to be getting more extreme in my views. I've often expressed thoughts of physically harming or murdering my parents, mostly my father (though I've never acted on them, much to the relief of me and those that care about me), and I've often expressed desperate pleas for one of the server members to help me make plans for them to kidnap me so I can get away from this town. These attempts have always been met with refusals and declarations that such a thing would be highly illegal, even if I promised my parents that i'd be back someday or somehow threw them off the trail.

I wish I could go back to my childhood, when my parents were actually happy together and I wasn't constantly fighting my own psyche. I just don't understand what happened to fuck me up so bad that i'd actually consider murdering parents who may just be trying their best. I just.... I don't know. i don't know what to do, and that scares me....

Sincerely,
Feriss (age 16, Michigan)

* * *

Hi, Feriss,

A lot of stuff going on here. Let me try to pull it all together.... I'm glad you located a few furiends online to share with. Yeah, Furrymap can be hit or miss; it's just a starting point.

I'm sorry to hear about your parents. I find that your father's fears about others using his skills to benefit their own businesses is shockingly naive. Of course others in business are going to use him as a tool. That's what businesses do! Capitalism is all about exploiting people for wealth. I don't understand why he thinks he is a special case, but turning to alcoholism is not the answer, and taking it out on you is even more offensive. Then, his anger leaches onto Mom, and then she takes it out on you, too? They need some serious counseling and help. This is not good.

I understand your anger and hurt. My father was emotionally abusive. One time, we got in a fight, and I got so angry I literally saw red. I was an inch away from grabbing a hammer and cracking his skull open.  Seriously.  BUT!  I didn't.  And that is the difference between sanity and insanity.  Just because you entertain these thoughts doesn't mean you will go through with them.  Some people have what I call "a bone in your head" that prevents you from going over the edge; other people lack that bone, and those are the ones you see on the 6 o'clock news. A good sign that you won't be on the news is that you express empathy and understanding that what your parents are doing is the result of their not handling stress well.

So, what now? Well, my first advice to you is to call Children's and Adults' Protective Services in Lenawee County. You need to find out what your rights and protection options are. Try to give them a call when you are not around your parents so that you can speak openly about what is happening.  You need to arm yourself with information. Remember, abuse is not only physical but can be mental and emotional as well.  While you are on the phone with them, ask them what services are available not only for you but also for your parents.

Take this first step and get back to me as to what you learned.

Hugs,
Papabear

Why? Why are Europeans such scum? I cannot understand. It's almost unreal how a race so greedy, vile, agressive and warlike can exist. No, I won't consider the fact that "European" isn't a race on it's own, but they... I just can't take it. 

Thieves and murderers. Bandits and barbarians. Terrorists disguised in uniforms. 

They've done all sorts of things but still have the audacity to call themselves the beacon of peace and love? The cradle of technology and civilized growth? After all the people they slaughtered, the wealth they violently took from the rest of the world. They're like parasites. And they STILL believe themselves to have the higher ground?!

"Moral superiority"? "Protectors of peace and mankind"?! ""Prestige?!"" Wealth?! """Culture"""???? .......... BULL-FUCKING-HORSE SHIT! None of what they own today is their own! NOTHING!!! 

Global empires built on foreign blood and tears, they hold no regard for human life. Pretty ironic of them to act like peacekeepers and protectors of human rights and civilization when they're the CORE of all those problems they're trying to fix, and they aren't even going to accept the responsibility. Their feeling of false superiority is more important than the world suffering. 

They say we, people of the Middle East are "primitive and stupid", that Africa is a "backwater shithole" BECAUSE it's the Africans' own fault, that Eastern Europe is lagging behind because they aren't as "cultured" or "superior" as the Western Europeans. None of that is true. All of those regions are like this directly due to the fact that European scum came to plunder, loot, burn, murder, fuck and take away. 

There exist no continent, on which the European cockroaches didn't make their move. Native Americans nearly wiped out, Africans and Indians race crippling poverty, Eastern Europe is lagging behind, Asia isn't looking good either, I won't even mention the Middle East and South America.

"Kill and steal, for wealth and glory!!!".

National Socialism? Imperialism? Capitalism? Nuclear Weapons? Battle poison? Genocide of the natives worldwide? Concentration camps? Colonialism? 2 FUCKING WORLD WARS LED DUE TO WESTERN GREED, millions of dead, not 100 years ago??!!?!

The European man doesn't seem to mind (when I say European, that counts the "Americans/European immigrants", they have no RIGHT to call themselves "American"), why, he's the man in the high castle, isn't he? He surely must have gotten "so high" because of his superb intelligence, strategy and culture, and not because he was the ONLY one who's capable of launching global colonial massacre and looting campaigns against "the lower races". No, they must be so wealthy and prosperous because they are so cultured and freedom/democracy-loving? Because they're "so good" and we're "so bad". 

The white race is the scum of the Earth. There is no race so lowly and unhuman to have killed the most people, burned and looted most settlements, massacred more innocent civilians, enslaved and exterminated more cultures, declared more wars... Than the whiteys. And they STILL feel superior to all other races. 

And the ones that aren't scum (hopefully there are many today), what did they do? "Oh, welp, can't change the past :)!". Living in luxury, having more than 70% of the world's wealth centered in 5 countries, all of which you know certainly.

And after all of this, we're supposed to be PRIMITIVE? WE'RE SCUM?! We're at fault because we had our wealth, lives and culture taken away from us?! Being forced to speak the language of the murderer and the tyrant?

They look at us the same way they look at the dog or the ugly spider. We are trash? And they... 

Forget it. This world sucks. All because of West Europe. The core of all mischief and misfortune. The home of the delusional man who believes himself to be the saviour of mankind, civilization, culture and technological advancement.

Why does it matter now... They've already taken everything the rest of the world had. And the countries that could've opposed West Europe aren't here anymore, no matter how flawed those countries were, they were truly more of a saviour than the West ever will be.

Why won't they stop even now? Don't they have enough?!?!?! They're still trying to rob us even when we have SO LITTLE COMPARED TO THEM! 

DAMN YOU ALLL! I HATE THEM ALL! Why won't you just leave us be? Why, why, why why why why why?

Icarus (age 26, Egypt)

* * *

Dear Icarus,

There is a lot going on in your email for sure. To answer your questions fully, it would literally take many books. I am going to try and address your issues concisely and clearly if I can, and you can take them as you wish. I'm not sure whether you know this, but your email is addressed to a man whose ancestors came from England, Germany, and Russia. So, given that my blood comes from Western European (and Eastern) scum, you might not wish to listen, I don't know.

To begin with, I don't disagree with you. Many of the world's problems today—especially in continents such as Africa and Asia—can be traced back to the period of European colonialism. To put it in fundamental terms, the problem is that Europeans came in, carved out large sections of land, declared them as "theirs," and totally raped them. One example of this would be the slave trade from Africa to the United States (although it should be noted that many African tribes got into the business of selling rival tribe members to the British). Another, more recent, example is Palestine. Basically, what happened there is that, after World War II, the Europeans shipped out a lot of the Jews to Palestine because they didn't want them in Europe (the Jews were happy to leave after the Holocaust, of course), and they kicked out the Palestinians, who had been living in what is now Israel, for centuries, without a second thought. It is a grave injustice, and I completely sympathize with the rage of the Palestinian people. They have been treated like garbage, and it coincides with your statement that the Europeans feel superior and thought absolutely nothing about treating the Palestinians like they didn't matter and they could just kick them out of their homes.

Then, as European powers began to collapse overseas, they abandoned their colonies and allowed them, one by one, to gain independence. The problem was that the borders that were created were based upon colonial borders. This meant that various tribes and ethnic cultures were thrust together artificially and told they were one nation. These people didn't really get along, and the result was a lot of internal strife. The wise thing to do would have been to create countries based on where various tribes had settled. Another problem was that the Europeans didn't help their former colonies transition into republics. Instead, they left them with holes in leadership, which made it possible for various military dictatorships to arise. Finally, because many of the natural resources had been raped by Europeans, they often didn't leave those countries much to get by on; too, when you are busy fighting internal wars there is not much opportunity to grow your economy.

Yes, many of these countries now struggle, but it is because they have not recovered from being colonies yet. These things take time (many countries didn't become independent until the mid-twentieth century), but I do see hope for many of these nations. One example of this is Vietnam. After France and the Americans finally left these people alone, the country has recovered and is now doing much better. One might say, "Oh! But the Communists took over Vietnam!" So what? If you look at it objectively, Vietnam is doing very well under Communism, thank you very much. China is, too, actually. It is not the political system that matters, it is how that system is run.  A "democracy" can be just as bad as a monarchy if it is run by corrupt people. Whether a country is socialist or democratic or a monarchy, it can be okay for the people provided they are allowed to live, work, practice their religion, get an education, and not be harassed by the country's leadership. The USA touts itself as a democracy, but that is inaccurate. We are a republic and one that has been downgraded recently to a "flawed democracy" because of Trump and the Republicans.

That said, let's go back to the generalization of evil white Europeans. We need to take a longer, historical look at human history to see that there have been many empires in the past that have used and exploited people. China's first emperor, Qin Shi Huang, unified China by oppressing all its minorities, taking over their lands, telling them they could not speak their own languages or practice their own cultures, so that he forced a monoculture on all he surveyed. The Mongols were the terror of Asia and half Europe for many years, creating one of the biggest empires in human history. The Byzantine Empire enslaved the Jews and many other people when it was the dominant power in the Middle East. The Ayyubib Sultans and Muslim caliphs also enslaved people and forced many of them into their militaries.  The Kingdom of Kongo enslaved the conquered Mwene Kabunga people.

I could go on and on, but the point is that those people who were killed and enslaved by those various empires probably felt the same way about their conquerors as you do now about Europeans.

The problem is not white people. The problem is human beings.  Humans have this flaw in which they crave power, and when they get that power they inevitably abuse it. Fast forward to the United States of America. The USA was actually a pretty weak country on the international scene until they flexed their muscles in World War II and became a superpower. Of course, by this point we had a long history of oppressing and killing people (Africans, Native Americans), but once we helped defeat Germany and Japan we developed this illness in which we saw ourselves as the saviors of the world (not entirely true, since actually, the Soviet Union was the country that turned the tide on Hitler when they chased them off the eastern front). Anyway, we got this big ol' freakin' chip on our shoulder and started telling everyone what to do with their countries. This has been a disaster, especially when it became clear that we were supporting various dictators (e.g., the Shah of Iran) because they had oil, and we bombed the crap out of countries that refused to cooperate fully with us (e.g. Iraq) while telling the world it was because they were evil. Meanwhile, we are good buddies with Saudi Arabia, a long-time secret sponsor of terrorism, because they sell us oil.

But America is now weakening, and despite your rant about Europeans, their countries have weakened considerably as well. Next country at bat is China. Watch them as they become the new superpower and I guarantee you that you will see them abuse their power wherever they can (they are already making moves on Southeast Asia with the artificial islands they are creating as places for naval bases).

White Europeans are not superior. Nor is anyone else. It's just that at this point in history (and it might seem like a long period, but centuries are really only a blip in history) they are holding the cards. But all empires rise and fall. Europe has fallen; America is currently falling; China will rise and then, inevitably, fall as well. Power is an illusion.

Now, let's address materialism. You correctly rant that Westerners are hogging the world's resources. Indeed, it is said that each American baby that is born will use 10x the resources during their lifetime as someone born in a--pardon me for using this term--"third world" country. Yes, we are materially prosperous, but that is not all good. Surveys show that Americans are extremely depressed and unhappy. Why? Because we are too concerned about money and things. Meanwhile, travelers to places like Africa, even poor countries, witness that these people are much happier because they have much stronger community bonds (the ones not torn by war, of course). As for Europeans, they actually, in general, are content to have "less" than Americans. They tend to live in much smaller abodes, own fewer cars (because public transportation is so much better than in America), and are not gluttons. We are already seeing the effects of runaway capitalism, gluttony, and greed in America as the nation is being torn apart because of the 1% hoarding the money. The average American these days is doing worse than their parents did. And so it goes.

So, to answer what I feel is the essence of your question: it is not all the fault of western Europe alone that the "world sucks." It is because of human nature that there are wars and poverty when there doesn't need to be. You must be careful, Icarus, not to stereotype people because of their color or nationality. That is the road to prejudice, which is likewise a big reason why there is so much hate in the world. Giving in to hate will only destroy your spirit and make you suffer more. In other words, it hurts you more than it does them.

It is easy to give in to hate and despair, Icarus. I have been guilty of it, too. And I wish to thank you for writing me because it made me stop and think about things, and you have made me feel a little better for doing so. While I am not saying that you or I can stop all the misery in the world, I would like to suggest that both of us would do much better to try and be good people, help those around us, and be shining lights in the darkness. As they say, think globally, act locally. The best weapon against hatred is not hatred. It's love. (Also humor; making fun of politicians is great fun).

Icarus, you have chosen an interesting name, a name from Greek mythology about a man who tried to fly and touch the sun only to go down in flames. It is a story of the hubris of humanity to think we can be equal to the gods. Just like Icarus, empires try to claim the sun as their own and they inevitably crash and burn.

Do not be like the empires. Be humble, kind, and loving. Then you will find peace because nothing in the world is so worth having as love in your heart.

I hope that helps.

Hugs,
Papabear

Hello Papa!

There has been trouble with me lately. You know how most people get crushes in school? Well I have one. It's a girl and her name is Sylina.

The problem is that I have had, well, very mature feelings. Okay let's be honest here, more like "sexual" feelings. This would be okay, if I were much older, but I'm still in school. It's very confusing that someone this young could get these feelings in the first place, but why? Is there something wrong with me? What is it? I don't know how someone can answer these questions but still, if you can answer, why and how do I deal with this?

Anonymous (age 12)

* * *

Dear Furiend,

Sorry for the late reply. I had to take a break from the column for a while, but I'm back now.

While being 12 does seem young to many people, the truth is that females have been reaching puberty at an earlier and earlier age. Thirteen is now the average, so at 12 if you are hitting puberty that is just on the lower side of the average. Here is an article about this trend, which, sad to say, could mean some health problems for women as they age.

Now the problem we have is that, in our society today, young teens are not established to support themselves financially and career-wise until at least their late teens, yet biologically we are seeing teens reaching sexual maturity in their early teens and sometimes as early as 9 or 10. The danger here, of course, is that very young people could start engaging in sex, possibly even having children at too early an age, putting stress on themselves, their families, and society in general. As you are clearly aware, this is going to make you question a lot of things in your life.

The first thing for you to understand, however, is that your feelings do not mean there is "something wrong" with you. There is nothing wrong with you that isn't happening to everyone else your age, you just have the courage to talk about it.

My suggestion is that you talk to the nurse's office in your school (you should have one, yes?) and, even better, talk to a school counselor if one is available. If you attend a church or temple, you could also seek some advice there if that makes you more comfortable. You need to arm yourself with information so that you are not working in the dark. You can also check out this helpful website designed just for you and your questions.

Good Luck!

Hugs,
Papabear

Hello, Papabear,

Thank you for addressing my letter. 

I have had problems with gender and sexuality for as long as I can remember, and they escalated during my adolescence. I was diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, and have since tried my best to cure it. I have sought help from one of the specialists in my country, and the disease seems mostly controlled now, at the age of 24.

However, thoughts about gender and sexuality continue to plague my mind even today. I never had a relationship with a woman, despite the fact that I tried many times to have a stable and lasting relationship (though most of the times the women I was interested said they already had a boyfriend when I asked them on a date), but I have had experiences with men, though none of them lasting relationships. 

Not all of these experiences were pleasant, because although I did not mind oral sex, I have a immense fear of penetration and its consequences.

But back to gender, the main problem.

It seems like I am particularly sensitive to transgender-related topics. There are no transgender news that I won't read about, or transgender characters that I won't take an interest in, or transgender videos that I won't watch.

When I come into contact with this topic, I start to wonder and ruminate about being female, how would I feel, what it would take, and if I wouldn't regret it. I have tried female clothing in the past and I have liked it. I often fantasize about being female (or at least feminine). I am a bit scared of the implications of being female in society, however.

For some time, I joined a transgender help group, but left because I felt like I was going down a path that I would regret, that would destroy my relationship with my family. I was always their 'golden boy', and they have always supported me. But telling them about this, or having Sex Reassignment Surgery would be my ruin.

I tried talking about my therapist about this, but I feel like she is a bit transphobic herself. I once talked to her about a MtF that was my friend, and she insisted that she was a man. Seemingly shoving it down my throat at every possible opportunity. Still, I can't search for another therapist because my parents like the progress regarding OCD I made with this one. They insist I remain with this one, and if I don't, they start arguments with me.

Last year I decided to burry this 'transgender business' as I called it, and tried to move forward. Most days, I am happy with being male, and even acknowledge that being a man has it's advantages. Other days, I feel an unavoidable need to be feminine.

These cycles come and go: Some days I discard it as being ridiculous, about not passing as or even wanting to be female (I wonder if it has something to do with having a conservative and transphobic family). Even consider wether or not this fixation on femininity is part of my OCD. Other days, like today, it's so strongly present in my mind that it leaves me depressed. I look at my body and feel discomfort. I lack breasts, and looking down I can't see a vagina. 

I can't get it out. I can't get any closure. And I am always so confused.

Can you please help me?

Thank you,

Anonymous (Portugal)

* * *

Dear Furiend,

Please forgive my late reply. I had to take a month off from my column for personal and work reasons. I hope it is not too late to reply.

This is a difficult letter to address because you have already taken a number of recommended steps and have not found satisfaction. You have sought therapy and you a help group to no avail. I agree with you that if you are not comfortable with your current therapist you should look for another one, and then we run into the parents issue. Evidently, they are paying for your therapy. While that is great that they are trying to support you, it's not so great that they won't let you switch therapists. Noting that you are 24, though, one has to wonder why you are not out on your own by now and managing your own life. Are you still in college and living with your parents? Is there any way you can pay for a therapist yourself and, thus, make your own choice as to whom you should see?

While your OCD is not directly related to your transgender issues, it might, indeed, be making it more difficult for you. But even if you didn't have OCD, you probably would still be thinking about your gender and sex a lot. Understandable. I don't believe your desire to be female is going to go away if you ignore it, so it is something you will, at some point, have to hit head on.

One step at a time, though.

It is clear that your parents and your therapist are holding you back. Therefore, the first thing you must do is become an independent adult who is in charge of his own income and medical care. You are 24 and it is time that you do this (unless there is something you aren't telling me that is preventing you from being independent?)

I'm sorry to say that I am not familiar with health care coverage in Portugal other than that there is a National Health Service there that helps cover many, but not all, expenses. Perhaps you have already researched this, but if not, you should find out whether and by how much MtF surgery is covered. (By the way, if you are really considering surgery, this is better defined as being transsexual.)

Another thing you can do is look for another transgender/transsexual support group. Since your English is excellent, you don't have to limit yourself to groups in Portugal. As you might imagine, there are many that are based in the USA.

Finally, you need to get over the fear of disappointing your parents. You don't have to be "the Golden Boy" all your life. That's too much pressure and it's not realistic. It is much more important that you just be yourself, and your parents need to accept that. And here's where your OCD is also probably kicking in: you are obsessing that being transgender (or transsexual) is going to "ruin" you and your whole life. You run through it over and over in your head until this fear paralyzes you.

Fear of judgment from others is, in my view, the number one reason most human beings in the world do not reach their full potential or find happiness. Once you let go of that fear, you will be liberated. Sure, it is easy for me to write that down, and I realize that is a difficult road to travel, but it is one you must travel.

Accept yourself for what you are. Don't blame it on OCD. Don't avoid it because of your parents. Seek support from people like yourself. If you are on Facebook, you might try the Transgender Support Circle. There are literally thousands of people there for you to talk to.

I hope this helps you some. Please feel free to write again if I am missing something that needs to be addressed.

Hugs,
Papabear

Hello,

​I was wondering if you can help me with something. You see, my first experience with the furry fandom was when I was 13 years old or so. But the thing is, I got exposed to the NSFW side of the fandom and became addicted to it for a few years now. I had the idea to join in the fandom and try to stay on the clean side. Unfortunately, it was not the case as still have the addiction. Sometimes I even have had thoughts on wanting revenge on those who make this kind of art material and how a lot of furries don't keep this kind of stuff private on facebook and twitter that makes it really easy for kids to view it. I only just want to be a good person a lay my demons to rest. Also, if I do actually want to be in this fandom, I might be afraid because of being viewed as immature or as some kind of degenerate and whatever terms and labels people have been throwing around, I know some people say furry is also just a label.

Thanks, Anon

* * *

Dear Furiend,

Thank you for your letter, which allows Papabear to address some interesting subjects.  You sound as if you have a lot of guilt over being sexually stimulated by furporn.  First of all, as a teenager it is completely natural that your libido would be on overdrive.  Sex is pretty much on the brain of all young men (and women) because that's when you are the healthiest and most fertile.  It's a Mother Nature thing.  Most people become very stimulated by "normal" pornography on the Internet.  In fact, porn sites are the most accessed of any type of website on the Web.  (Interestingly, the Bible Belt states have the highest rate of porn access in the United States).  Is furporn worse or more "degenerate" than any other type of pornography? No, no it is not.  Do furries look at a lot of porn?  Yes, many do--some more than others, of course.  Is furry all about porn?  Certainly not.  Furporn is just one small aspect of a very interesting and diverse fandom; however, to deny that it is also a fascination for many furries would be tantamount to sticking one's head in the sand.

Why do some furries look at or create furporn? Are they secretly zoophiles? No. I have a number of theories on this matter about which I am writing more in-depth in my upcoming book.  One theory is that fursonas create a mask over our sexual proclivities--a buffer, if you will, protecting us from our culture-promoted embarrassment and anxieties over being sexual animals.  It is the same reason, for example, why I, as Grubbs Grizzly, felt much more comfortable performing on stage in fursuit than I ever would have as myself: you feel less vulnerable, more protected against criticism or guilt.

Another theory is that furporn allows us to be more free in expressing our animalistic sexual desires.  In furporn, no one worries about protection, for example, and there is a sense of liberation in letting it, shall we say, all hang out. It also relieves anxiety over being homosexual ("It's not me doing this, it's my fursona") or having a fetish of some kind. The factor that furries do not exist in real-life places furporn high on the "this is just totally fantasy" list, making it feel safer because one knows that having sex with a dragon or anthro wolf is never going to happen in real life, so there, again, is the relief from anxiety and anticipation.

Seeking "revenge" on furporn artists will not help you, as you likely know. First of all, there's no way you will get rid of furporn, no matter what you do. It's here to stay. Secondly, furporn didn't create sexual desires in you; you already had those and porn just provides you with an outlet.  Thirdly, don't feel guilty about it.  Human sexuality is extremely diverse, and it can be imaginative and highly creative in a good way (the only bad kinds of sexuality involve anything in which sex is forced against someone's will--rape, sex with children, for example). When sex is consensual and done safely, it is actually a healthy practice that fosters social bonds and even love. 

Finally, if looking at furporn made you a reject in the fandom, then yours truly would be a reject, too. I don't think I am, so you should be cool.

Re-examine why you have these feelings of guilt and shame. Is it because YOU think furry sexuality is bad, or is because you feel society thinks it is bad and will reject you?

Hugs,
Papabear

Me with my late husband, Jim, at Califur. Hello Mr. Bear,

I have only been in the fandom for about a year, and have been with my boyfriend for longer. (We're both introverts and didn't talk to each other for the longest. I kept staring at him, and I've caught him staring. I internally freaked out and didn't know what to do so I put all of my eggs in one basket and had flowers and candy (this was around February and my school does this service that sends flowers and candy to people who want them to be sent to someone, yada yada yada, I'm getting off topic) sent to him weeks later. Instead of my name on the card, I drew a picture of myself, as to not draw attention to myself from the rest of my classmates. He looked in my direction and said "I like you, too." I still dog him for that. And I panicked and said "y-you too". He still dogs me for that, too. I really do love him.)

When I'm browsing my art instagram account, I always slowly turn my phone away if we're sitting together on a couch or something. I don't really know his opinion on the fandom, nor have we talked about it. I don't know if or when we'll have this conversation, but if it DOES happen, how do I go about telling him?

Thank you for your time (I need to work on my story-telling skills),

Grayden Baretuff

* * *

Hi, Grayden,

That's a charming story and I thank you for sharing it :-3 As for telling your boyfriend, you're worrying too much. I was in your position once, and I was freaking out just as you are. Finally, got the courage to tell him, and he was like, "Oh, that's interesting. Why were you afraid to tell me? No big deal." I ended up taking him to conventions and he really loved seeing the fursuiters and talking to people, even though he wasn't a furry himself.

​Other people I've told along the road were pretty much of the same opinion. Most, to be frank, had never heard of the furry fandom, and when I explained what it was, they were like, "Oh, it's kind of like Comicon" or other conventions and such. They were fine with it.

The key is to tell people honestly about it, and if they have questions, answer them frankly. The less self-conscious and embarrassed you are about yourself being a furry, the easier it will go.

Hugs,
Papabear​

Dear Papabear,

I hate to be a pest, but I got another issue here I need advice about. I'll try and keep this as short as possible.

Essentially, I have two friends in the fandom. When I went to my first convention in 2017, they were best friends with one another, practically inseparable. Then later that year, after a bad experience at another convention, and increasing tensions between one friend and the others partner, they now hate each other. That was some 7 months ago, and they're still not on good terms.

I wasn't there to witness what happened for myself and only got info through IM, so I refuse to judge either party and rather keep both as friends. Granted, one of them I only became friends with because the other one was their friend once upon a time, so we were never that close to begin with. Even so, he's never done any harm to me, and nor has my closer friend for that matter.

Well this year, I'm going to be attending the same convention I went to last year, and as I think you can probably guess, both of them are going to be there. They pretty much refuse to talk to one another, but I have spoken to both of them about each other and begged them to not get into any confrontations. The one not as close to me insists he won't, but the other gave me answers that I honestly didn't find to be that clear. As best as I can figure, his answer is essentially "it depends".

For one thing, if they do fight, I may end up feeling forced into choosing one over the other, which I seriously don't want to do (albeit I think it's fairly obvious the one closer to me would be the one most likely to stick). I was in a similar situation once before nearly a decade ago. I was friends with A, then friends with B, then A and B were friends, then A and B fell out, then I was only friends with B, and before I knew it, I was friends with nobody. I might as well have been friends with zero. It's hard enough for me to make friends to begin with; I don't know how many more I can lose!

The other thing is that this I don't attend multiple conventions a year. I'm crossing an ocean to see these guys, among other furs, and have used much of my hard-earned savings to do so. I do not want my one convention of the year to be ruined with them two having an altercation. Good grief, last time, one of them gave me their soda to look after for a short time, and once I'd lost it, I moped for the rest of the day about it. He told me to stop worrying about it because, as he said "it's just a soda", but it was fruitless. I still worried, like I always do.

What can I do to be sure that they don't end up fighting one another? Not just for my sakes, but for the both of them, too. I don't care who "started it" and I'd rather things be the way they were before, but the chances of them being able to "kiss and make up" are slim to nil.

Honestly, I feel like I'm starring in a really bad melodrama!

Cheers,
Anonymous

* * *

Hi, Furiend,

Furry drama—or drama of any sort involving anyone—is usually cheap, petty, and involves misunderstandings. Let's start with misunderstanding. Currently, you are operating in the dark. You don't know what started their argument at all. So, if I were you, I would ask each of them what happened first.  After hearing their stories, it will likely be a lot easier for you to, if needs be, pick a side. I mean, it could be that one of these guys is being a total douchebag and it will be easy to pick.  On the other hand, it could be the result of a total misunderstanding or a completely minor situation blown out of proportion.  If one of these lesser offenses is the case, you could very well act as an intermediary and show them the error of their ways, which might, in turn, result in a reconciliation. But you can't do any of that unless you know the facts so get those first.

With luck, things will turn out all right. But there is also the chance that one or both of them is being a drama queen and will refuse to recant or relent. In that case, you can try just being a friend on an individual basis. If they try to make you pick sides, just tell them you prefer to remain neutral as their argument is between them. If that still doesn't satisfy them, then either pick the person you feel is the most likable or back away from both people; your choice. Just don't allow them to manipulate you into a fight that is not your battle.

Hugs,
Papabear

P.S. Don't sweat the small stuff like losing a soda. No biggie.

Hey PapaBear,

I need a fursuit head, but how do I make/get one for cheap??

Kye (age 11)

* * *

Dear Kye,

That depends on what you mean by "cheap." You have to be be willing to spend a couple bills to get anything decent. If you wish to buy a fursuit head, you can find used ones on a couple of websites, including  www.thedealersden.com and www.furbuy.com. Since you are 11 and most of these partials are made for people older, you might have a bit of a problem with the size being too large. You could also, if you are not picky, simply look for animal masks at Halloween costume stores (werewolves, Beast from Beauty and the Beast, and various wild animal heads can be found for less than $100). Or, if you have a friend who is into crafting and sewing, perhaps you could ask them to make one for you. Again, because of your age, I think you are smart to start off cheap as you become familiar with fursuiting.

As for making one? Well, if you are gifted enough to make costumes and can sew and sculpt, then sure, make one yourself. That way, you only pay for materials. You can find video tutorials on YouTube or there are a couple of sites such as www.matrices.net/tutorials.htm that can be helpful.

Good Luck and Happy Fursuiting,
​
Papabear