Ask Papabear

Dear Papabear,

I am a bit new to the fandom (I joined the fandom two years ago but not until recently have I gotten into the community) and I was wondering how I can make a positive impact within the furry community. The fandom is often looked down upon and I want to do something to showcase the friendliness and helpful side that brought me into it. Your articles remind me of this and shed a good light on the community, so do you have any advice on how to highlight the fandom on a community level?

Sol the Naga (age 18, Texas)

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Dear Sol the Naga,

Welcome to the fandom :3 It's nice to see a young furry with a good, positive attitude, and thank you for your question!

The ABSOLUTE NUMBER ONE THING YOU CAN DO to shed a positive light on the fandom is to be a good example to other furries. Don't be a troll. Don't be a drama queen. Definitely do not join the Furry Raiders LOL. Just be a good furry. A great way to do this is to volunteer at furcons. You're in Texas, so perhaps you could attend Texas Furry Fiesta in Dallas next March or Furry Siesta in August and help out. Or, in Houston, there's StratosFur, and in San Antonio, there is the Alamo City Furry Invasion. The people who run cons are just amazing givers of their time and hard work and they are always in need of more paws behind the scenes.

You can also volunteer at charities. Many furries support wildlife and pet charities, for example, as well as other worthy causes such as raising money for ALS research through the Walk to Defeat ALS that many furries have participated in after the death of Tony "Dogbomb" Barrett from this tragic disease. The local chapter for you can be found here (https://alstexas.org/walk-to-defeat-als/). I can ask my friend Joe Bear if there is a furry contact in Texas.

If you haven't already done so, see if you can get involved in your local furry community. There are groups on social media you can join, such as https://discord.me/txfurs on Discord. Start a chat there and find out what Texas furs are up to and raise your paw to help out.

The more you get involved in your local community of furs doing positive things for people--furry or not--the more light you will shed onto the fandom. Be a good furry, think globally, and act locally, and you will be accomplishing a lot toward your praiseworthy goal.

Bear Hugs,
​Papabear

Good evening,

I hope this letter finds you well. I wanted to reach out and share my thoughts and feelings regarding a situation I've been experiencing. As a freshman at THS, I am grateful for the support provided by my IEP. However, I have recently encountered some challenges that I would appreciate your advice or insight on.

In an effort to cope with my autism and ADHD, I've been carrying around a stuffed coyote that holds personal significance to me. It has become a source of comfort during the past few days. Unfortunately, I've noticed that I've become the target of mockery and ridicule from my peers. While I understand that people might not fully comprehend my coping mechanisms, the teasing has been hurtful.

I am reaching out to you in the hopes of seeking guidance on how to navigate this situation. I believe that everyone's unique qualities should be respected, and I am striving to find ways to manage my challenges in a positive and supportive environment. Any advice or explanation you could provide would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for taking the time to read my letter. Your support means a lot to me, and I look forward to your insights.

Finn (14)

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Dear Finn,

Are you sure you're only 14? Because that was a very well-written letter, better than I get from some adults! But let's get down to it.

Emotional Support Plushies (ESPs) are valid tools to help emotionally sensitive people, just as Emotional Support Animals are. Since it's not too practical to bring a live dog or other pet to a school, a plushie is an excellent substitute. Clearly, it is helping you, so you shouldn't get rid of it because you are being teased. 

Why do kids tease you? As a freshman, you are a vulnerable and easy target, and older kids and bullies typically target younger people when it is noticeable that they are different somehow. That's how bullying works: they find someone they feel they can push around who is "different" in some way and then pick on them to make themselves feel better (bullies have a lot of emotional problems themselves and use this strategy to cope in a very unhealthy way).

So, first thing to do is to recognize these bullies and their toadies for what they are: shallow people looking to gain social status by putting other people down. These people do not deserve your respect, and the harsh words of people you do not respect are hollow indeed.

The first strategy in dealing with bullies and taunters is to ignore them. They can only get off on their belittling if it provokes a reaction from you. This is what I do. I have been teased and criticized for everything from this advice column to my Good Furry Awards. When I get hate mail, I simply do not reply to it. When people post nasty messages on Ask Papabear, I simply delete them. I get very little of this nowadays because bullies and haters simply don't get a reaction from me, and they totally hate that. 

Another strategy some use is humor. A number of famous comedians (Robin Williams comes to mind) survived taunting at school by becoming class clowns. Try turning around the taunts about carrying a plush coyote with stuff like this:

• I'm studying to be a taxidermist, and this is my homework
• Yeah, this is a coyote. I couldn't catch the road runner
• What do you get when you wind string around coyotes? Yo-Yotes
• What kind of luggage do coyotes take on planes? Carrion
• What do you get after an animal dinner party? Stuffed animals.

If you're no good at ignoring or humoring people, you might try educating them.

• Did you know that 40% of American adults sleep with plush toys? Did you know that youth suicides in America have risen 50% in the last 20 years? Anxiety and depression are way up, too. Many psychologists and psychiatrists agree that simple tools like ESPs have proven beneficial in alleviating this crisis. My counselor suggested this for me, so I'm doing this on advice from a professional. (Here's an interesting article on that https://www.sleep.com/sleep-tech/stuffed-animals-for-adults)
• I bet you a lot of the people here in this room have plushies at home. But they might be too scared to admit it because they are afraid of being teased. It doesn't bother me, though. (Raising your voice) And if anyone here has a plushy or two at home that you like to hold, don't be ashamed. It's okay to do that.

High school is tough. Unlike middle or grade school, everyone has raging hormones and is struggling to find their place in society. This results in a lot of competition, social posturing, and plain old meanness. Recognizing the fact that all your peers--even the bullies, and, maybe, ESPECIALLY the bullies--are going through emotional and hormonal turmoil can help you recognize that they are all temporarily insane and should be regarded as such. 

When they act out against other kids, it actually has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. If it wasn't you and your plushie, it would be the fat kid or the unathletic kid or the shy kid or the trans kid or the Muslim kid or anyone they can label as different. Heck, even me, a white boy, was targeted for being German (I got a lot of "Heil Hitlers" because my last name is Hile), and even made fun of because I was born in "a mass of two shits" (aka Massachusetts). So, you see, it doesn't matter what it is, as long as they find something--anything--different about you AND sense weakness (rather like a pack of feral dogs jockeying for status).

You can't change how others behave, but you can control how you react to it.

Be chill. Be bear. Be cool. As Nick Wilde said, "Never let them see they got to you."

Hugs,
Papabea

Hello, Papabear,

I've been in the fandom for a long time privately but only active in the last 2 years when my kid showed interest. We have never been to a furcon, just anime and popcons close by. My question is about furmeets. I would like to host one and having never been to one wouldn't know where to start. What advice do you have on a successful furmeet that would be inclusive to young furs and grey furs ?

Thank you for your consideration,

Dartumus (43, West Virginia)

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Dear Dartumus,

What a lovely question, thanks for asking. I always love to hear about furry parents and their furry children having fun in the fandom together.

There are two types of furmeets: the ones you have at your own home and the ones that are set up at other venues.

The easiest thing to do is to invite a bunch of friends you already know who are furries and just have a party at your house. This way, you aren't dealing with any unknown factors such as a stranger coming to your house who might not be entirely trustworthy. Furry home activities can include playing board and video games and watching furry movies and, of course, lots of noms and fursuiting. Tip: if you DO have a home meet with strangers attending, make sure your valuables and prescription drugs (if any) are stowed away safely. Also, have a room where people can change into their fursuits and keep all their furry stuff and keep an eye on that room. Usually, everyone is cool, but there have been times when I have heard of people stealing stuff from furmeet houses. Finally, keep the party booze- and drug-free.

If you wish to broaden the attendance some to include allowing furries you don't personally know to attend, then I suggest organizing something away from the house. There are all kinds of options for this. You can organize a trip to the theater to see a new movie, you can go to a park and have a picnic, go bowling, or go to a state fair or other event (the best types of these events include Halloween parties and Renaissance Faires--there's a Ren Faire every June in Lewisburg, WV, if that is close to you). All of these activities are appropriate for younger and older furries alike.

If you wish to set up a regular furmeet, I suggest you create a Meetup.com account, then announce it on various social media websites that your local furries would use..

Good Luck!

Papabear

Hello, Papabear,

I have been following the fandom since my early teens. I WANT so badly to belong, but the few times I've reached out to locals or joined any group, I've found it to be a nightmare. The people I meet are either not great people, or I just don't fit in. The one con I went to was a terribly lonely experience.

I regretfully say that the fandom has left a bitter taste in mouth. I however, also find it hard to just "walk away." I am now a sad, lonely, semi-furry. My mental illness also makes it hard to fit in as few seem to understand. I am wondering what your advice is for fitting into the fandom or going it alone.

Thanks,

Anonymous (age 33, Texas)

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Dear Furiend,

Yours is not an uncommon problem. The difficulty with joining local meetup groups is often that they are already an established group of friends with a hierarchy, etc., embedded into their system. The best way to enter such a group is if you are already friends with one of the members and they invite you to join. If you don't know anyfur in the group, then yes, it is hard to introduce yourself and gain acceptance. Imagine if there were a house party somewhere and you lived in the neighborhood but didn't know anyone at the party, but you decided to invite yourself in and go anyway. As you likely know, this is called being a "party crasher" or "gate crasher," so it's kind of the same thing. Of course, with a furry meetup, you need to tell the host you're coming, so it's not exactly the same as crashing the party, but I think you know what I mean. Still, people seem to think that just because we are all furries that it is okay to just show up at a meet and everyone will welcome you as a friend. Nope. The same dynamics are in play at a furmeet as they are in a normie party. This problem is compounded by the fact that many furries are quite shy, so it can be tough to break the ice.

Similarly, if you show up at a furcon all by yourself, not knowing anyone, you're going to have a lonely time. Many furries will already be grouped with friends there, and they also converge into cliques, such as gamers and fursuiters. The best con experiences I have had is when I go with (or meet up with) friends who are also attending. Have you seen the movie Coco? In it, the boy Miguel thinks his grandfather is the famous Ernesto de la Cruz, and he goes to meet him in the afterlife. Ernesto throws huuuuuge parties, and when Miguel manages to enter the giant villa party, no one pays him any attention, even though everyone there shares a love of music (just like furries share a love of anthros). But then, Ernesto introduces Miguel as his grandson; suddenly, everyone is welcoming (also, there is the fact he is a skilled guitarist LOL). In comparison, one might say that if you are friends with a popufur, you're going to get some attention pretty quickly. Same holds true, though, if you are connected with a respectable furry who might not necessarily be furry famous, or with a furry who is in an established subgroup.

Now, once you have a few friends already with you, it can be a bit easier to make new friends by just participating in various activities and sharing some experiences. For example, I met a couple of furries while going to an escape room at IndyCon. This is a particularly good activity as you have to work together to find the puzzle solutions. Another good way can be if you like gaming and can perhaps find a group that needs an extra player. Some cons also have a video game room set up, and you might be able to find someone who wants an opponent to play with.

(Side note: my furiend Michael Crisci [Dineegla Moose] is trying to organize a kind of "Welcome Wagon" at the next Midwest FurFest. The idea is to have a kind of welcoming committee at the con to provide those who are new to the experience or who are having trouble connecting with information and friendship to make their con experience more enjoyable. I think it's a great idea, and I hope the MFF organizers allow him to do it, and then maybe other cons will follow suit.)

Anyway, the best way is to meet someone beforehand and then go to the meet or con with them. You can find friends or acquaintances in a lot of social media groups ranging from Facebook to Discord. I see you are 33, for example, and could join the Greymuzzle group I run on Facebook. It's easy to meet people there and then try to see who might be going to a con you attend and see if you can meet them there.

An alternative to joining an established meetup is to create one for yourself and invite people you have met online locally. Since you are running the meetup, you can have it focus on things that interest you--whether that is board or video games or going to a movie or bowling outing or whatever. 

As for your "mental illness" (autism spectrum disorder, perhaps?), many furries have such issues, so that shouldn't stop you from furry activities. Most furries I know are sympathetic or may have the same issues you do. 

Finally, an excellent way to overcome feeling alone is to go to meets or cons as your fursona. One of the cool things about the fandom is that we can fantasize we are someone else, and these fursonas, you will find, can provide a way to gain entrance into the social world of furry, whether that is online or in real life (online RPGs are an excellent way to meet furries). So, when you go to a meet, try going as your fursona. I find that this really loosens me up, and I bet it will for you, too.

Hope this helps!

Bear Hugs,
Papabear

Hi PapaBear!

I am a person who's been in the fandom for at least four years and I'm now getting my very own fursuit! But- unfortunately, I do not know the proper things needed whilst having a suit and proper fursuiting etiquette. The most I know about it, is not deheading in public and needing a lanyard with a badge on it. I'd love ta know more so I can participate in an upcoming convention the right way!

Much love and bear hugs, 
Benny Raspberry

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Dear Benny,

Congratulations on your upcoming fursuit! And thanks for your question.

Fursuiting has changed a lot since I first started doing it over a dozen years ago. Back then, the rules (or, really, traditions, which basically arose from the fact that a lot of early fursuiters had worked at places like Disneyland) were much more rigorous. For example, most fursuiters believed you should never talk while in fursuit or reveal the fursuiter underneath the fur for any reason other than you're about to overheat if you don't dehead right away. 

This is not so much the case today. I regularly see fursuiters take their heads off in public instead of in the fursuit room at cons, and there is a thing now called "poodling" that we would never have done back in the day. Poodling is when you just wear a head and paws and you allow your arms and even your legs or belly to be seen. The reason these things were frowned upon in the past is that fursuiters felt it spoiled the illusion that you were your fursona. If you ask a young fursuiter today if that is true, they will deny that it affects this illusion. Now, I understand why some people poodle because a full fursuit can be very hot. However, the problem is easily solved simply by wearing pants and long-sleeved shirts. I do feel that deheading in public and poodling are not really in the spirit of fursuiting, but since this old bear is not in charge of how fursuiters behave, I'm not going to police them. Me, I stay in full suit because I want to be 100% in character. But what you do in this regard is up to you. 

There are no rules other than make sure you do not overheat and that you have access to water. All cons have a "headless room" or "fursuit room" where you should go if you need to dehead, get some water, and sit by a fan. Fursuiters and their handlers are allowed in these rooms, but not other people (this goes back to the tradition that we don't want to spoil the illusion, but also because fursuiters need a lot of room to relax and you don't want a lot of people wandering about getting in the way).

The next thing you want to do is to have a handler, especially if you are new to fursuiting. Because visibility is a problem in most fursuits, it is easy to trip on stuff. A handler helps guide you through the hotel or wherever you might be to avoid this. Handlers can also warn off overenthusiastic people who try to hug you or pull on your suit without permission. It also helps if you familiarize yourself with your fursuit location before you suit up. Do a walk-through and get to know where tables, chairs, pony walls, and other obstacles may be. Oh, and be very careful on any stairs and escalators. When it comes to hotel elevators, remember that fursuiters are allowed to get on first (after any people with disabilities and the elderly or ill). 

Next: Performance! Get into character when fursuiting! Don't just amble about like a guy in oversized SCUBA gear. Get into it. Remember to exaggerate your gestures so that they are expressive and easy to see. If you choose to talk in fursuit, maybe do so in your character's voice. If you don't talk, then it's even more important to do a physical performance. Remember, people will want to take pictures and give hugs. It's up to you whether you want to allow this, and you can politely say or gesture to them that you don't care for that if that is the case, but for me, the hugs and posing for pics are the best parts of fursuiting.

Oh, and yes, do remember to wear a con badge. That's true whether you are in suit or just a regular attendee. When you are putting on your suit, it can be easy to forget! So, don't! Put on your body first, then the lanyard, and then your head in that order.

Those are the highlights. If you have more questions, feel free to ask. Have a great con!

Hugs,
Papabear 

Hi Papabear,

I've been seeing a lot of furry hate recently on the internet, and to be honest, I am tired of people hating on us, thinking that we are all zoophiles or thermals [I think he means therians, or maybe ferals], and to see that even though we hate them (zoophiles/therians) as well, people still don't see that! I feel like the fandom is dying, and you know what? We should destroy the furry community to make a new community like it, except with thermals or zoophiles, and to not have inappropriate things like murrsuits. It should be child friendly! 

Do you think we should recreate the furry fandom and have a set of rules with it? To keep everyone more safe and to stop furry hate all together?

Anonymous (age 15)

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Dear Anonymous,

Wow, there's a lot of stuff in this letter to address. Let me see if I can do so in an organized and logical fashion.

1. You're 15, so you are likely not familiar with furry history. Truth is, furry hate has been around for decades and is nothing new. The good news is that, overall, furries are more accepted today than they once were. The media has slowly been warming to us, and capitalist society is starting to realize that there is money in furry (hence the success of Zootopia, which was produced by people who saw dollar signs in making a totally furry movie).
2. What you're proposing has already been tried in what was the Burned Furs vs. Freezing Furs debacle of the late 1990s, which was a conflict between furries who wanted to get rid of adult art (Burned Furs) and those who felt it was part of the fandom (Freezing Furs). As you can tell, the Burned Furs lost. There are a number of reasons for this ranging from the fact that those leading the Burned Furs charge were pretty much incoherent and rambling in their philosophy of why adult furry art is bad to the fact that an integral part of being a furry for many in the fandom is the freedom to explore sex and gender. An anti-porn movement has started again recently, blossoming on Twitter from a group called puriteens. Puriteens are not specific to the furry fandom, but they have been active in it and attack not only people who are okay with furporn but also zoophiles and feral furries and, I see, therians, as well. The think that feral furries are zoophiles, which of course is not at all the case.
3. I've only been noticing this movement recently in which young (especially) furries have come to associate feral furries and therians with zoophilia, so, like you, they attack these groups. This is misguided. Therians are not a group of people favoring zoophilia. It has nothing to do with this. The same for the specific group known as lycans (lycanthropes). Also, there is a long tradition of ferals being in the fandom, and many movies (animated and live action) have anthropomorphized feral animals in them, ranging from The Incredible Journey and Charlotte's Web to Bolt and Balto. So, you need to divest yourself of this belief that therians are zoophiles and need to be banished from the fandom. (Also, therians are really not furry per se, but often share interests with furries as a kind of related subculture.) As for zoophiles, they are a tiny tiny tiny minority. No, they should not be considered "okay," but the idea they are a huge problem in the fandom is exaggerated to say the least.
4. Lastly, any notions of destroying the fandom and rebuilding it are patently absurd. There are literally hundreds of thousands of furries out there indulging in their interests in anthros with absolutely no organization or structure to it. So, any attempt to control them would be like trying to herd thousands of cats from Houston to Chicago (a "cat"tle drive LOL). Cats have their own minds and don't take kindly to being penned, pushed, and pontificated at. Ain't gonna happen. They're free spirits, just like furries.

If you're looking for a subculture or fandom with rules and structure in it, the furry fandom is not where you want to be (try a Star Trek convention, maybe). It's chaotic, creative, explosive, turbulent, wild, manic, and totally counterculture. That's what makes it fun, frustrating, and amazing.

The people who hate furries hate us because we don't go by their rules. I love it. Don't let it bother you, because they only hate us because they can't control us. Kind of like Darth Vader hating the Old Republic because it didn't conform to his ideas of control.

There is a lot of pressure and hate against people who are trying to be free. Yes, it can be hard, and I understand you're upset about it, but that's a part of what being a furry is.

Bear Hugs,
Papabear

Hi Papabear,

I wanna ask how to deal with gatekeeping within the fandom and how to improve despite their differences?

For context, I have a friend who's in college and we started to chat and sharing everything since the pandemic. The problem my friend has is that he doesn't live in one of the biggest cities in Colombia but in a tourist one. That's why most of the fandom have (not everyone) start to mocking some regions, including my friend's city, with terrible jokes.

Despite I lived in the capital city (Bogotá) where concentrates the most part of the fandom, I can't believe the hipocrisy of some people, causing a lot of drama and splits to show which side of the furry fandom is the best; including the popfurs and meetups. And this bothers me when I read what happened in the past.

The funny part is I open the conversation in a group where I'm part of by typing "Hey, Divas! What's up?" to see what are the reactions.

At first, I thought that the Colombian furry fandom was open and welcomed, until I realized the live in their own bubbles. And maybe it can happen in other countries as well.

What do you think?

Gabbo the Fox (Colombia; age 30)

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Dear Gabbo,

Sorry for the late reply. What you're experiencing in Colombia is something that happens in fandom groups across the world. It is human nature, sadly, for hierarchies to form in social groups. While in the broad, big-picture view of the fandom, it is true that the furry fandom will accept anyone regardless of race, sexual orientation, gender, religion, or nationality, but it is also true that this is often not the case in small meetup groups.

Why does this happen?

Simply put, it's because certain people are not happy unless they are dominating others. There are a number of reasons for this such as overcompensating for low self-esteem or because the only way they feel safe in a group is if they can control all the other members. And the best way to dominate others is to put those other people down. You can do this by mocking certain attributes (it doesn't matter what attribute so long as it can be labeled as "other" or "unacceptable.") or by gatekeeping in which the dominant person declares that certain people do not meet the requirements to be "true" to their type, whether that means you are a muggle or not a true furry.

While there is such a thing as a true leader, one who assumes the post because they are smarter or stronger or more experienced and wish to use these skills to lead their group to success and happiness, such people are typically found in times of crisis (for example, FDR during the Depression and World War II, or, closer to your home, Simón Bolívar). But when there is no crisis and the only purpose of a group is to socialize, then true leaders are not really required and what you get instead are popufurs and prima donnas. This is true whether you are in the United States, the United Kingdom, or Colombia.

You are 100% correct that these furry social groups "live in their own bubbles." This is the reason for the social dynamic you have witnessed and why the leaders of such groups are typically jackasses (often--not always, but often). I hear stories like yours all the time. It's very petty and small. And it can definitely turn one off being a furry.

Don't you let it. You're furry, I assume, because you love anthro animal characters in stories and art. Don't let others take that love away from you just because they're derps. Recognize that the ones treating you like this are most likely furries with very low confidence levels who are, basically, bullies trying to gain undeserved attention and admiration.

How do you deal with it? Once you recognize these people for what they are, I have found that their personal attacks bounce right off me like bullets off of Superman's chest. Personal attacks on your character don't sting at all if you do not respect the people who are dishing it out. (My usual response to people trying to hurt my feelings is, "Ooh, ouch! That would really hurt if I cared about your opinion.")

Once people realize you cannot be hurt by their attacks, they, like all bullies, usually get bored and stop attacking you. 

In short, be cool. Be calm. Be Zen. Be Bear. Bears don't take no shit from nobody, and neither should you. And they look cute doing it, too.

Hope this helps.

Stay Furry!

Bear Hugs,
Papabear

Hello Papabear,

I have a question about fursona creation. Firstly, some things to know that kinda lead to the question, I have Autism, I tend to be an indecisive overthinker, and I have a terrible people-pleaser problem.

I know many people say that when you make a fursona you should just make what you want and not let others decide things for you but it is genuinely hard for me to ignore people who say things like how dog fursonas are bland, or how blue as a color is too popular, and people who say things like that make me overthink my fursona so much to a point where the fursona is just a character now.

I also notice I struggle with figuring out colors and markings that I like which balance between not too complicated and not too simple, and that I struggle with choosing one part of me that I want to represent and then getting upset when my fursona seems more like an oc than a sona. I don't want a shapeshifter, and I notice I don't connect to hybrids as easily as I do with full species, and it's a little frustrating since I feel bad every time I want to change my fursona. I also go through species phases a lot too.

Basically, the main point of this (lowkey rant) is to ask if I will ever get a Fursona someday. I really want a fursona, I want a character who feels like me but I cannot keep going through the amount of fursonas I've been going through :')

* * *

Dear Piper,

For many furries--myself included--fursonas are a deeply personal creation, a reflection of ourselves. But this doesn't mean that, once you have created your sona, it is locked in stone. Sonas can change over time. Also! You can have more than one sona! 

For me, for example, my original fursona (before I even joined the fandom) was a wolf. As a teen and 20-something who was into fantasy fiction, I was later a dragon. Today, I am a bear. I feel confident that this is the sona I am going to stick with, and that is because in my 50s I really feel I know who I truly am and Grubbs is a reflection of that.

You, on the other paw, are 17. This is a time in our lives when we are going through lots and lots of changes, and it is totally logical--whether or not one is autistic--to go through lots of stages as you discover yourself. So don't beat yourself up about your fursona. You can let it change over time, or, as many do, have multiple fursonas. There are no rules about fursonas, and anyone who tells you there are has no clue what they are saying. Leave yourself open to possibilities. You could have, for example, a straightforward canine sona with blue fur as one of your sonas, but then also have a second or third sona with different colors, features, and qualities. 

I recommend you experiment with multiple sonas. Have fun with it. Eventually, one may click and that will become your main (or only) sona. But there's no rule about that, either. You could still have multiple sonas for years to come.

One of the wonderful things about the fandom, in this bear's opinion, is that it provides a tool to explore our inner selves. This tool is better than a Swiss knife, as it can have many different tools all in one little package. So, go crazy with it. This is supposed to be FUN! not a big personal crisis. Oh, and if you need help, just search for tutorials by typing "design your fursona" on YouTube and lots of stuffs will pop up that can help.

Make sense?

Bear Hugs,
Papabear

Papabear,

​Hey, I've recently been consumed by the idea of getting a fursuit and as an extension of this, the subsequent idea of starting a more online presence making videos in websites like OnlyFans in order to make some money. I think it is fair to say that people with nice fursuits get more attention in the fandom.

My main question is this, do you think doing that kind of sex related stuff is something one will regret later down the line? I'm still relatively young but i worry if this is the sort of a thing that i wont realize i'll end up regretting in 20 years or not.

Anonymous (age 29)

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Dear Furiend,

That's a terrific question, thanks for asking. I'm sure there are people who will disagree with me on this one, but I would advise you NOT to make sex vids online on OnlyFans or anywhere else. And here's why....

Once you have a video or photo uploaded to the internet, it is there pretty much forever. Oh, you might THINK you have deleted it, but if you make something like that available (and OnlyFans videos ARE downloadable), it will be copied and stored all over the place in servers all over the planet. You might believe you have control over the availability of a video, but, in fact, if you want something deleted, not only do you have to do so from whatever online service you are using, but you also have to ask the hosting company to remove it from their servers and you have to figure out where it has been indexed in search engines and have those instances removed as well. Finally (and this is getting to be a bit more than you likely need to know), even if you do all that, skilled computer gurus working for, say, police or government agencies might still be able to reconstruct the video data (at least in part) if it is involved in something criminal.

Now, if you're okay with all kinds of people having access to you in a naughty video (and since you're considering it, I would guess you are), this might not bother you right now. But you're only 29. As you noted, you might feel very differently a few years from now.

On the other paw! If you simply want to be more active and noticeable in the fandom by getting a fursuit and making videos, you certainly DO NOT have to make them adult-oriented. Plenty of furries have HUGELY popular YouTube channels that are totally G-rated. A good example is Kite's Windswept Wanderings who just won the 2023 Good Furry Award for their excellent videos covering conventions and other furry events.

So, this would be my recommendation to you: Go ahead and get a fursuit; go ahead and make G-rated videos. Do it for fun and to make connections in the fandom. Have a good time with it. Avoid being X-rated ;-)

Cheers,
Papabear​

Papabear,

​Hi! I'm a furry, and I really really love dinosaurs. Especially Blue the raptor. You see, I want to make her into a fursuit. It would have her same pattern as she has in the movie, of course. She would look just like she was out of the movie. This will be for my enjoyment. I would wear it at furry conventions and out in public etc. But I won't be making money off of the suit. 

I would like to know if it's okay for me to make a fursuit out of Blue. I have other OCs that I've designed and I plan on getting them made into fursuits as well. I've tried to design a raptor, but I don't really like any that I make (also can't find a good F2U [free-to-use] raptor base--I'm broke lol), so is it okay for me to make a fursuit out of her?

Blue the Raptor (age 17)

* * *

Dear Blue,

Copyright is an interesting field. I've recently been working on obtaining copyright on some books and have learned a few things on the topic. A big part of copyright is that the thing you are copyrighting must be unique and original. A velociraptor like Blue in the Jurassic Park movies is not an original creation any more than trying to copyright, say, a horse. A name must also be unique. For example, I am currently registering Uncle Bear Publishing as a trademarked name. While the word "publishing" can't be trademarked, "Uncle Bear Publishing" is, indeed, unique and can be. When it comes to "Blue," that is certainly not a unique word in and of itself and is not copyrightable (rather like Trump trying to copyright "you're fired"). The only thing even vaguely unique about Blue is the blue stripe she has down her side. This is not enough to qualify as "original."

So, on those grounds, I would say you are fine. You are also fine because you are not using Blue the Velociraptor to make money, so your dressing up as Blue is not going to cost the movie studio any money. Indeed, by increasing awareness of Blue it could actually be seen as promoting the movies and helping Universal make some sales. 

A good touchstone on this topic is Disney. As you might know, Disney jealously guards its copyrighted characters. Even so, I have seen people in Minnie Mouse and Brer Fox fursuits at cons. It is highly unlikely that you will be "caught" in a Blue the Velociraptor outfit. And even if you were, the worst that would likely happen is you would get a "cease and desist" letter from Universal's lawyers, which means you wouldn't get a lawsuit if you stopped wearing the fursuit (scaley suit) in public.

Here's some more about Disney and copyright FYI: https://themouselets.com/whats-the-deal-with-using-disney-intellectual-property.

I hope this information is useful. In short, I think you're fine.

Have fun!

Papabear

Papabear, 

​So, this is gonna be a bit of a long one but I need some guidance because I don't know where else to go.

Recently, I left the furry community due to feeling I didn't fit in it no more. I was in a depressed state. I lost people that brought me out of my shell and got me to do art again, and the people that were still there for me stopped helping me as they didn't know what else to do.

To provide context, I was with a group of people that inspired me to draw again - and I happened to piss them off doing an RP. I tried doing art for them as a way of saying sorry, and after that I was gonna leave them alone, but it backfired hard in my face and got me chewed out by a few of them.

When I talked to this other group of friends, one of them exhausted his options to help me get over it, and the rest just stayed silent no matter how much I reached out.

And it got to a point where I didn't want to stick around anymore. I couldn't handle the weight of the pain I felt. I got tired of dealing with it, and there was nothing else I could do to help alleviate the pressure of it all.

Today, I am getting help and taking steps to keep myself on the up and up. But every now and again I keep thinking about those people I RP'd [with] and I've been trying to forget them so I don't hurt anymore.

The question I have is: How do I come to terms with this whole thing, even though I've accepted that I'll never see them again?

* * *

Dear Furiend,

Apologies for the slow reply.

I'll start by giving you kudos for getting help, which I interpret to mean some professional counseling, an excellent step to take. Since you only provide generalities here without explaining details as to what you did, exactly, to upset your friends so much, I will reply with some generalized words of advice.

As much as we want to be furry, let's face it: we're human. And being human means we can make mistakes, and sometimes those mistakes hurt feelings and cost us friends. In the worst-case scenarios, those friends are gone for good. Even a sincere, heartfelt apology combined with attempts to make amends and compensate for the hurt will not work.

It's also natural to think a lot about what happened and even obsess about the past, creating a cloud over our heads that casts a shadow on our lives.

So, what do you do?

Take stock of what you have done so far. The essential steps include: 1) Admitting you made a mistake; 2) Apologizing for the mistake; 3) Making amends for the mistake; 4) Promising not to make that mistake again and to try to do better in the future. At any point in the process, the person you have offended can reject your gestures. When that happens, you will just have to accept it.

An important lesson in life is that you can't change other people's behaviors and reactions; you can't control them. The only thing you have control over is your own actions and reactions.

It is also important to keep in mind that when you do something wrong--whether or not you intended to do it--it is not necessarily a failure. We all make mistakes, and the key is to learn from those mistakes and take those lessons to heart so you may become a better human being as a result. If you constantly strive to be a better person, then even if those people you have wronged in the past do not forgive you, it's okay. It's not a loss; it's a lesson.

And that's how you come to terms with something like this. You accept the consequences of your mistake and consider it a lesson in life that will help you to evolve into a better person in the future.  We cannot change the past, but changing the past is not what life is about. We are here to learn, and as long as we keep learning, we will stay on the right path in life.

Hugs,
Papabear

I thought I would try something new. In this post, I invite all my readers to ask me ANYthing about yours truly, Papabear (Grubbs Grizzly). You can ask me anything about the fandom, my furry experiences, and even my personal life.

You have opened yourselves up to me, and now it is my turn to do so for you.

So, ask me anything!

Just click the little Comments link to the left and leave your question. I will post the reply here. Make sure you activate the Notify Me button.

Hi Papabear,

I'm Shadey, and I was wondering, do you have any advice on how to have fun while fursuiting for fursuiters (if you know anything about that), but also be safe about it and reduce the risks of damaging your suit at the same time? Even if it's just suiting at home or in public, would there be any tips or any suggestions of what you could do to avoid any pricks to the fabric, tears or rips, or anything of those sorts and what not to do at all? Or, if not, would you recommend any other place that I could ask? Either way, any response to this question is greatly appreciated. Thanks! 

P.S. I have read some of your articles online before when going into Google for curious furry related questions or suiting advice and I really liked them! Gotta check out your website more as possible. ^^

Shadey

* * *

Dear Shadey,

Thanks for your question. I have been fursuiting for well over a decade now, so I believe I can answer your questions. Let's go through them by category (I'm German; I like order):

• Safety: I'm not sure how long you have been fursuiting, but it's a good rule to have a handler with you while you do it, especially if you're in unfamiliar territory. A handler is just a pal who comes with you to make sure you don't bump or trip on anything such as stairs, curbs, furniture, electrical wiring etc. As you know, vision is pretty limited in a fursuit, and it's hard to see where you're going. A handler can also help you in a fursuit lounge (aka deheading lounge) to help you take off your head, drink water, and get your fursuit back on again before walking the con. And, they can do things like keep children from grabbing your tail or hugging you from behind. These are all things that can keep you safe. Handlers can help you from damaging your suit, too, by helping you avoid obstacles and destructive people. (True story: I was once doing promo work in front of an ice cream store at Halloween and this guy ran up to me and dry humped my leg before I could stop him; OMG, his girlfriend was mortified; he was drunk as hell, of course). You should also remember to stay hydrated, and if you feel overheated, don't be afraid to dehead, even if you are in public. (I prefer to duck into a lounge or bathroom, but sometimes stuff happens to prevent that).
• Avoiding Suit Damage: No matter how cautious you are, over time you might get tears and wear on your fursuit. Before you don your outfit (actually, I do this a day or more beforehand), examine your fursuit for any minor tears or loose stitching or glue and repair them before they get worse. If you have soft footpaws (the soles of mine are hard rubber, so I don't worry too much), you might consider getting fursuit sandals. These are just very basic rubber souls with straps you can have made or go to YouTube and search for tutorials. This is pretty important if you have cloth or other soft footpaw soles and/or you go fursuiting outdoors or on any rough terrain. Oh, and learn some basic sewing and get a little sewing kit for travel.
• Washing: NEVER throw a fursuit into a washing machine unless you want to destroy it. If needed, hand wash your fursuit in a big sink or tub with a gentle detergent (I recommend Woolite for delicates). Between washes, spray the inside of your fursuit with a disinfectant such as Lysol, being careful not to do so in your fursuit head, especially around the eyes, unless you wish to cry from burning eyes. Concentrate on the smelly areas, including crotch, underarms, and feet. A gentle, sanitizing wipe can be used for inside the head. For larger particles of dirt, just carefully brush the fur with a soft-bristled brush or big-toothed comb (not fine-toothed).
• In general, before you fursuit, scope out where you plan to go (at a furcon, for example, I always wander around the hotel or whatever to see what's what and where's where). Try to avoid areas that are dirty with lots of hazards (plants, rocks), which is why I generally don't do parks or Ren Faires unless they have paved paths.
• When traveling, get appropriate bags to carry your fursuit. A lot of people use big rubber tubs, which is okay, I guess, except the lids come off unless you use bungee cords or some such. I prefer luggage. Good luggage. My fursuit is very large, so what I found is luggage designed for mascot suits. Yes! They have those! It's great for carrying my body and padding, and then I use another bag for my head, paws, etc. 
• Finally, store your suit in a clean, dry place, such as a closet. Don't put it, say, under a bed or in the garage.

That's off the top of my head. 

Gosh! I was concentrating so much on safety, I forgot the fun part LOL.

As for having FUN, probably the best way is at a furcon participating in activities like the fursuit parade and fursuit games that are designed to create a safe place for fursuiters to do their thing. Next would be furmeets, Good furmeet organizers will set up activities that are fun and safe for fursuiters, such as bowling meets or going to the movies. Third after this would be going to conventions that are furry friendly, such as a comic-con or the Doo-Dah Parade or Renaissance Faires. Next, might be charity events. For example, there is a group of furries who participate in charity fundraisers for ALS in honor of the late Dogbomb. Then there are special events such as Halloween or any costume party that might be going on. If you can't find anything, but you know of furries in your area, maybe organize a furmeet in your house.

Now, if you want to fursuit at public places, just make sure there are no restrictions. A big one, obviously, would be a place like a bank that doesn't want masked people inside (LOL). But you might be surprised about where there are restrictions on fursuiting. For example, some parks are privately owned and do not allow fursuiters. And you probably don't want to dress up as a bear or deer in the woods during hunting season (cf. CSI episode "Fur and Loathing").

Stay Furry!
​Papabear

Dear Papabear,

Is there a regular club for Furries vs. conventions? A regular place to meet, say weekly, here in San Antonio!

Anonymous

* * *

Dear Furiend,

San Antonio is a great city, and it is a pawsome town in which to be a furry, too! For one thing, you have a fur con right there. It's called the Alamo City Furry Invasion (www.furryinvasion.org) and is held in October at the Marriott Airport Hotel. There are many other ways to connect to furries in your area. Thanks to user SAFurry on Reddit, who saved me a lot of research, here is a list of links that will prove helpful to you:

• San Antonio Furry Event Menu
  
  • San Antonio Furmeets
    
    • General San Antonio Furry Events Telegram Chat
      
    • General San Antonio Telegram News Channel
      
    • River City Furry Events Telegram News Channel
      
    • River City Furry Events Twitter
      
    • River City Furry Events Instagram
      
    • River City Furry Events Facebook
      
    • River City Furry Events Wikifur
      
    • River City Furry Events Furdar
      
    • River City Furry Events Photo Albums
      
    • Alamo Regional Furmeets Twitter
      
  • San Antonio Furry Networks
    
    • Telegram Chat (SFW)
      
    • Discord
      
    • San Antonio Furs Facebook Group
      
    • San Antonio Furrys Facebook Group
      
  • San Antonio Furry Convention Socials (ACFI: Alamo City Furry Invasion)
    
    • Telegram
      
    • Facebook
      
    • Facebook Group (Conventions)
      
    • Twitter
      
    • Instagram
      
    • Flickr
      

If you like apps, there are several Amino groups you can find on your phone for general furry groups, and if you download the Barq app, this is a useful, furry-specific app that will help you locate furries who live near you.
Good luck and have fun!
Papabear

Dear Papabear,

Its a hard pill to swallow to say I use furporn because people who use furporn to fulfill their sexual needs more often than not are looked down upon. Anyway, I was exposed to furporn early on in life and found out that I liked it and use it normally. I've had sex and had no problem with “getting started” or my overall performance. It hasn’t “watered down” my attraction to real-life sexual acts or desires but enhanced in its own way. But I sat down today and asked myself why do I still use furporn and why do I still like it? I felt as though it was childish, so I looked at a normal porn video and some pictures and noticed it's all the same. I like furporn because it has diversity. Colors, races, styles (etc.).

My main question is, "What does this make me?" I wouldn’t consider myself a furry because I don't have any desire to partake in anything, being events, suits, and such. I simply just use furporn. I hope you are able to answer my question for me. Thank you for hearing me out and I hope I was able to bring a new perspective or anything of use to you and your journey.

Anonymous (age 20)

* * *

Dear Furiend,

Thank you for writing an honest letter that I believe will be helpful to many of my readers. Isn't it funny how true it is when you say that people into furporn are looked down upon (including in the furry fandom) and yet furporn and other "regular" porn proliferates throughout the Web, literature, movies, sex clubs, and on and on? Human beings are sexual creatures. This is natural. What is unnatural is how social (especially religious) institutions make sex anathema, sinful, a thing only for degenerates, something that should only be used for procreation, and you better not even masturbate lest you go blind and grow hair on the palms of your hands and cause the dinosaurs to go extinct (Family Guy joke). 

Complete nonsense. 

The elite and powerful in human society use guilt to control people into "behaving." The result of this is that a vast number of people have become neurotic about sex and many who try to repress their feelings later release their sexual tension in inappropriate, hurtful, violent, criminal, and truly sinful ways (i.e., e.g., rapists, pedophiles, spouse abusers, and priests molesting little boys or having sex with nuns).

The truth is that it is MUCH healthier to have an active, playful sex life. People who have satisfying sex lives are happier and more mentally and emotionally balanced. Sexual fantasy is a part of this. There are many good things about sexual fantasy, the main one being that it is a safe way to stimulate the libido. It also helps you run through your mind many things that you might like to try with your consensual partner. In fact, talking with a partner about sexual fantasies can help you strengthen bonds you might not have known you had. Now, one might have some very "out there" fantasies that you wouldn't try on anyone (a common one in the fandom is vore fantasies, for example). You shouldn't worry about these. As marriage and family therapist expert Steven Ing wrote in a Psychology Today article: "Just as fantasizing about being a world-class jewel thief doesn't mean you're going to become a thief, having sexual fantasies doesn’t mean you're going to act on them. Fantasizing is our brain's way of projecting a future scenario or trying ideas on for size. It's also a way of reliving a wonderful moment or deriving comfort or pleasure from an alternative reality."

And, of course, always keep in mind the Wiccan Rede: As long as you're not hurting anyone, do what you like. You certainly aren't hurting anyone by watching furporn. But it is also important to note the dangers of porn addiction. Judging by your letter, you are already aware that too much porn viewing can numb the senses and actually lessen one's real sexual activity, and you assert that your own libido has not been "watered down." Good for you :-)  Further, you note that furporn is really no weirder than other porn on the internet. So, furry fantasies are just another type of imaginative RP of the mind.

In short, you have nothing to worry about. Pretty much all sexually active human beings indulge in some sort of fantasy, so you are totally normal. Yours just happens to be furporn. Big whoop. You seem very aware of all of this and, IMHO, you are quite smart and in tune with yourself. You're mentally and emotionally healthy. Lastly, just because you like furporn doesn't mean you're a furry. It's not like, "Ohmygerd! I watched anthro wolves having sex! Now I have to go buy a fursuit and attend a furry convention!" Relax. The Fur Police aren't gonna knock on your door for noncompliance.

Hope this helps. Remember, play safe and have fun! Thanks for writing!

Bear Hugs,
Papabear

Papabear,

I'm an artist, and I love to create and draw my fursonas on my computer, usually with the help of free ref sheets, but lately I've realized that my dad has been going on my computer to see what I've been working on, and to make sure I don't have any games or anything bad installed. This would be fine, but I have a feeling that my dad would NOT approve of my being a furry. I've been hiding it for over a year now, because I'm pretty sure if he found out, he would disown me, or at least punish me. I've been pretty good at hiding it, but I'm worried that if he keeps checking my computer like this, he might find my fursonas and get mad. I don't know what to do. If I ask him not to look through my art, might get suspicious, but if I do nothing, he might stumble upon it anyway. Please help. I don't know what to do.

Pip the Pesky Bird (age 14)

* * *

Dear Pip,

The problem goes deeper than the art on your computer. This is about trust. Now, your dad has a perfect right to monitor your computer behavior, but he did so by sneaking behind your back to do it. At the same time, you were hiding what you were drawing regarding furry stuff.

The first thing you and your dad need to do, therefore, is to rebuild the trust between you. Here is a nice article from the Boys and Girls Club of America on ways to build trust. Basically, what it advocates is open, honest communication. Working on expressing your needs and desires. Both you and your parent need to be able to do this because without trust you are creating a path toward miscommunication, hurt feelings, and a broken relationship. 

I understand that you are afraid about revealing your furriness, but you are not doing anything bad such as drawing porn. Your father likely does not have an accurate mental image of furries, especially these days with all those ridiculous falsehoods about cat litter boxes in schools. Your job is to communicate to him why you enjoy drawing furries and what furry means to you. At the same time, tell him you want everything out in the open and he is free to monitor what you do on the phone and computer. You also want him to ask you any questions and to feel free that you can ask HIM questions about anything.

Assume your dad already knows what you are doing. Apologize that you have been a bit secretive about it, but tell him why you have. He will not disown you. And punishing you would be stupid. I mean, has he ever forbidden you to draw furry stuff? If he forbade you to do something and you did it anyway, he might justify a punishment, but if he never said don't do it, he has no grounds to punish you.

Most parents fear their kids doing furry stuff because they are ignorant of what furry is and believe what the idiotic media tells them. On the other paw, once parents understand that furry is no worse than, say, playing World of Warcraft, most parents are okay with it. The key is to alleviate your dad's fears. Being secretive is a red flag that you know you are doing something wrong (even if you aren't), and your dad isn't stupid. He picks up on stuff like that. So, once again, the key is to be honest. And honesty goes both ways.

Remember, your dad loves you and wants to protect you. If he didn't, he wouldn't care what you did on the computer.

Talk to Dad.

Good Luck,
Papabear

Hey Papabear,

How're you? Recently, I have had a difficult time with my sexuality. I have found that I don't just find women attractive, but [I am attracted to] my parent's older dog, Ozzy. I grew up with this dog, and it's bothering me. I went home for the holidays and found that I was getting erect from looking at Ozzy. I do not know how to deal with this issue. Do I need a release? Or should I seek psychiatric help? This has overall been a difficult and confusing time for me. What do you think? Have you ever had a similar issue or had someone write in with something similar?

Tiennan (age 23)

* * *

Dear Tiennan,

Thank you for your letter. This is an important issue to many people in the fandom, as you might guess. For one thing, furries are often suspected of being all zoophiles (attracted to animals), which is simply untrue. However, there are a few zoophiles in the fandom just as there are in the general population. Zoophilia is rare, but you might find it occurring more often in a fandom that is based on an interest in animalistic characters (this should be unsurprising).

A great deal has been changing in the mental health profession community in recent years regarding attitudes toward paraphilias (atypical sexual interests and behaviors). The latest edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), which is the official guide for diagnosing mental health problems, now distinguishes between "paraphilia" and "paraphilia disorders." This is important because it essentially says that just because you have a sexual interest that is not "normal" doesn't necessarily mean you have a problem.

When is a paraphilia such as zoophilia a problem, then? Well, as with addictions, a paraphilia becomes a problematic disorder when it has a negative impact on your job, school, or personal life. For example, going to a Vegas casino to gamble once in a while is not a problem; gambling away your life savings and ending up living in a cardboard box under a freeway overpass is.

So, as long as your attraction to dogs is not affecting you or those around you (especially if you keep this attraction platonic), you don't technically have a disorder.

Why, then, do some people (you're not the only one) have this attraction in the first place, you might ask? Psychologists are still debating this, but there are a few hypotheses. One is that some people are attracted by novelty--in this case, how a dog's penis differs anatomically from a human penis. Another possible reason is the attraction to the forbidden. People can be stimulated by the idea of something being "naughty" because it is unconventional and frowned upon. A third reason might be that a person has difficulty forming close relationships with people and therefore turns toward, in this case, a dog for intimacy. Among animals, dogs are ideal candidates because they are so sociable, friendly, sweet, loyal, and unthreatening. Still another way one can develop paraphilia is by conditioning. For example, a person might develop a foot fetish if they had one or more sexual experiences in which erotic foot play was involved. Over time, they might become focused on feet, causing their arousal, because they associate feet with sex.

Any of the above might be a cause for your interest in dogs in some way. Since I am not a psychologist, it could, indeed, be a good step for you to speak to a professional about your concerns. They might be able to dig deeper and help you discover why you are having these feelings.

I hope this was helpful.

Bear Hugs,
Papabear ​

Dear Papabear,

I’m an artist. During the course of my yet short career I’ve naturally been making friends (or co-existing in friendly terms, with most) with other artists and clients and it has been excellent so far. However, a few days ago I was made aware of a rather difficult situation that has been making rounds in my head ever since.

Turns out one of these persons has covered up and remains friends with someone who was outed as a child groomer some time ago, and doing something about it wouldn’t pose a problem for me if it weren’t for the fact that said person (the one who’s friends with the predator) lives an incredibly active social life and is also friends with the vast majority of artists and clients I’m also friends with.

I know some of them are aware of this fact, while some others aren’t. The whole group of people goes around connecting with tons and tons of people in different artist owned servers, including mine, so it’s really weird to look at them and have to suspect everyone all of a sudden.

I don’t know what to do about this. I don’t want to be the reason a lot of these people end up fighting each other. I don’t even know if it’s something I should meddle with to begin with. They’ve been friends with each other for far longer than I have. I’ve only known them since this past year and I feel like a complete outsider to the overall group and the whole situation.

I’m not a really big artist. I know that if I spoke up I would probably be eaten alive and that I don’t stand a chance against a group as big as this in my current state, including that I would probably lose a lot of friends in the process. I know they have harassed people in the past because of stuff like this. It’s scary to think that most of my support would completely disappear if I make the wrong move, especially considering that being from a third world country with an ever dying economy, making art on the internet is my only chance of living a slightly better life.
Furthermore, I have plans of moving countries in the future. I'm incredibly scared of the criminality rate of my current place and many people are murdered just in my city alone each year, so I'd go as far as to think my physical health is in danger if I don't move out quickly and art is the thing that will help me on that.

My question is, if someone knows that something around them is bad but doesn't have the power to do anything about it, does that make them equally as bad? I don’t like the idea of allowing these people to keep existing in my space but, is it valid when it’s for the sake of keeping a low profile for self preservation?

I would love to have your opinion on this matter, and I deeply appreciate your time. Thank you.

Anonymous (age 23)

* * *

Dear Furiend,

Interesting question. I assume that by "child" you mean someone who is not of legal age to consent to sex. So, first of all, this is, of course, illegal if we are talking actual sex. Now, you are from outside the USA, apparently, but I don't know where the other parties are. Are they in the United States? If this is criminal behavior outside your own country, it's rather difficult to report.

Another thing to consider is evidence. Is there any solid evidence for what is being claimed or is it just internet chatter? There is a lot of posting on social websites that is complete and utter baloney, and you don't want to contribute to that rumor mill. I'm looking at posts you shared with me on Twitter [not shared here], and even the person making the accusations is using words like "allegedly." I'm also reading these tweets, one of them saying the minor is 17 versus the groomer being 27. Seventeen (and 16), actually, is legal age in 41 of the states in the USA, with 18 being the age of consent in the other nine states. So, if all parties concerned are in one of the 41 states, it's really not a crime.

As for "grooming," it sounds as if the older person is supplying the younger person with pornographic images to try and get them aroused. It is illegal in the USA to show minors pornography, and by "minor," we are again dealing with different laws in different states. So, again, if they aren't in one of those 9 states, it's not illegal. What WOULD be illegal in ALL 50 states would be to have the young person, who is under 18, pose for naked photos or be in a porno film.

So, you see, this can be complicated. As for you making posts about it on, say, art social groups on the internet, I'd say that's unnecessary. Someone other than you has already, clearly, posted a lot about this. There is no obligation to you to warn people and, honestly, it's kind of none of your business. Also, as you said, your posting about it would not help the matter in any way. And, no, you are not a bad person for not raising a flag. You are not the Police of the World's Bad Behavior.

I'm glad you sent me this query as it highlights a problem I see all the time online: People think that it is their job to condemn people vocally on the internet whenever someone does something they consider bad or questionable. The reason this is a problem is that most of the time people are making accusations based on assumptions, rumors, gossip, and opinion, and when you participate in the rumor mill, the result can be the destruction of an innocent person's reputation--or worse. Furthermore, if you are proven wrong, you end up destroying your own respectability and looking like a fool.

Do yourself a favor and stay out of the public forum of dirty laundry. If someone has, indeed, done something immoral or criminal, believe me, people will find out without your help. Now, if someone does something to YOU that is criminal, you obviously should report it to the authorities. That's a no-brainer. Or, if they are simply being an asshole to you, the solution is to cut them out of your life, forget about them, and move on. And if a friend of yours is being hurt, you should go to them in private and offer them your support.

The internet has become a dung heap of trash-talk and lies. Don't become one of the flies attracted by the stench.

Bear Hugs,
Papabear

Dear Papabear,

My brother (17) found the Furry Fandom last year, and my dad was fine with it, and my mom is kinda freaked out by it, and she has told me this but not my brother. I, on the other hand, have always been an advocate for how great and positive the Furry Fandom is and my brother has been really happy for that. My brother loved the Fandom so much I actually owe it to him that I became a Furry because I wanted to see what exactly about it made it so great. Looking back, I think the signs have always been there, and it feels nice to find a place I feel like I belong.

Now here's where my problem is I'm really embarrassed to tell my brother I'm a Furry because he might think I'm just trying to copy him or trying to make fun of him or that I'm ruining something special to him. I do want to tell him, though, because I feel like there is a lot of good memories we can make together doing something we both love.

So here is my question: How do I tell my brother I'm a Furry, especially since I don't want to hurt my relationship with him or my mom if she finds out, too? Anyway, thanks so much for your time and would be very grateful if you could help.

Logan (age 15)

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Hi, Logan,

Gosh, I would think your brother would be very happy that his sibling is also a furry and that they could share their furry experiences together. Why would you think otherwise? Are there instances in the past where he thought you were trying to imitate him? Younger siblings sometimes do have a rivalry. When I was little, I would follow my older sister around and try to do stuff with her, which kind of irritated her. She is three years older than I am. Your brother is two years older, which isn't a huge difference, but in the teen years it can seem like it.

I don't know your brother, obviously, but most furries are excited to have a family member who is also a furry and understands why they love it. I would go ahead and tell him. IMHO it should be a bonding experience between the two of you, and will likely become even more so as you get older.

Let me know how it goes.

Bear Hugs,
Papabear 

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Dear Papabear,

I did it. I told my brother I was a furry, and I didn't make a big deal out of it, so neither did he. I am a little bit of an artist, so I offered to do some art for him, and he was pretty happy.

Thank you so much for your advice. It really helped me work up the courage to tell him. 

Sincerely,
Logan

Dear Papabear,

I am in my mid-twenties. How can I gain confidence? I doubt myself a lot and always fear the worst like failing. That I'll fail everything that I'll do. I've been noticing that I have ADHD-like symptoms for 4 years. I don't even have a driver's license. Fearing that the worst will happen due to these symptoms, it makes other things hard too. Many people have told me to believe in myself. What can I do?

Francesca

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Dear Francesca,

"Believe in yourself" is easier to say than to do. It's a cop-out phrase used by friends and family who don't know how to help you. Well-intentioned, but useless. So, okay, you should believe in yourself, of course, but you can't just snap your fingers and, to quote Captain Picard, make it so. How to proceed?

There are several factors involved that cause us to doubt ourselves:

1. As children, we grow up wanting to please our parents and get their approval. These are the people who nurtured us in infancy and on whom we depended for protection, so this is a natural instinct. So many people grow up with daddy or mommy issues that it is ridiculous. This feeling can linger even after parents die, and it can also be transferred to others whom we respect, admire, or who have power over us, such as teachers, bosses, or spouses. Don't be a people pleaser.
2. Our inherent and instinctive need to fit into our society, to conform, and to meet its expectations also causes us to pursue goals that we feel are socially approved in order to be a valued member of the group. This is why, for example, people conform to a religious institution in which they were raised, or become bigots, or chant at a political rally, or pursue a career they don't actually enjoy. Don't be a conformist.
3. We are raised to believe this is a competitive world and we always have to do better than other people. Don't worry about other people; do things for your own fulfillment.
4. We are criticized for our appearance if we don't meet the standards for what is considered attractive. You're beautiful as you are. Don't worry about shallow standards.

The first thing you need to do is rid yourself of the burden of meeting other people's expectations of what is "success" and what is "failure." If you think that "success" is making lots of money and having lots of material possessions, for example, then you can often feel like a failure if you don't make money and buy expensive things. But, if you feel that "success" is being a kind, giving, and GOOD person who pursues their own dreams, you might find yourself becoming a success very quickly.

Next point: Don't avoid failure, embrace it. EVERYONE fails at least some of the time. I have experienced many failures myself. Hey, even people like Albert Einstein, Walt Disney, and Bill Gates have experienced failures. Failures are not as bad as they sound because they are learning experiences. For example, one time I tried to apply to a university's creative writing program. I submitted fiction samples to them and was roundly rejected. Reexamining what I sent, I realized that my writing was pretentious crap. I learned from that and am a much better writer now. Another example: my novel (only wrote one so far) was rejected 100 times before a publisher accepted it. (Oh, and in the process, I discovered I am a very good nonfiction writer). Just keep trying. Hey, Margaret Mitchell's Gone with the Wind was rejected 40 times. Stephen King's early work was rejected hundreds of times before he published Carrie.

Failure is a learning experience. Do not fear it. Expect it and learn from it. Same with rejection. You WILL experience rejection many times before you find acceptance. Once you get rid of the fears of failure and rejection, you can move forward. You do that by substituting expectation for anticipation. Anticipation is much more anxiety-inducing than expectation.

In summary, to build self-confidence you must:

• Reject other people's definitions of success
• Define your own goals for success independent of society's "norms"
• Embrace failures as learning experiences
• Keep going, no matter what

I hope that helps.

Hugs,
Papabear