Ask Papabear

Dear Papabear,

Recently, my parents have been fighting a lot and saying they wouldn't have divorced if it wasn't for me, and I'm also thinking of ending it all. What should I do? I have no one to talk to and I live with my aunt who's always at work and is neglective.

Sincerely,
Eli (age 6)

Hope to hear from you soon.

* * *

Dear Eli,

Are you really only 6? You write well for someone so young. I am sorry to hear your parents are fighting and making you feel bad. It is very wrong of them to say "they wouldn't have divorced if it wasn't for me." What an AWFUL thing to tell your child!! Horrible! I'm glad you can live with your aunt. I don't know what her job is, but perhaps it seems she "neglects" you simply because she works hard and is tired? At least she took you in. Don't judge her too quickly.

None of this is YOUR fault. PLEASE do not blame yourself. How could it be your fault when you're just a child? Repeat after me: "This is not my fault. This is not my fault. This is NOT my fault."

If you are serious when you say you feel suicidal, please call the hotline at 988. They will help you. There is no charge.

If you wish to talk more, you know where to find me. You can email me directly.

Please take care of yourself.

Hugs,
Papabear

Dear Papabear,

On days that I have too much free time on my hands, casual Internet browsing led me down an unfortunate road. First, I read one of your letters, and I felt aroused. Then, browsing e621, curiosity killed the cat, and I ended up enjoying these artworks.

Am I just being influenced by the pornography I've looked at, or is something fundamentally wrong with me? If the latter is true, how do I remedy it?

​Thank you.

Sergio

* * *

Dear Sergio,

Furporn is just one form of sexual fantasy. Sexual fantasies are a window into exploring our sexual pleasures and identities, and they can also be a way of assuaging our feelings of guilt about our sexuality. Why do we have sexual fantasies? Well, when it comes to young people, their heads are floating in a bouillabaisse of testosterone or estrogen in which practically anything is a turn on LOL. Fantasies also have us dreaming of becoming more sexually attractive or arousing than we think we are in real life, or they might resolve sexual needs that are not being satisfied in real life, or they might be a way to "spice up" a current sexual relationship that has gotten a bit, shall we say, routine or humdrum.

Anthropomorphized animal characters can be attractive to us because they express animalistic urges and needs. The symbolism is pretty clear. Animals strut about all the time sans clothing, and often we crave the physical freedom of being without clothes. Also, animals are not restrained by the sexual politics and social restrictions of human society. If they feel like screwing, and they can find a partner, they will screw with abandon. (Reminds me of a joke: How many microfurs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just the usual two, but the trick is getting them inside the lightbulb!)

Many furries find the fandom because of furporn, which is typically discovered online, but sometimes in comic book stores, too. I know I found it through Reed Waller and Kate Worley's Omaha, the Cat Dancer (although that is more erotica than furporn). Furporn not only serves as a release of sexual tension but can also be a way to safely explore our sexual curiosity, including experimenting with gender, in ways that "normal" society would frown upon. Hence, it can serve as a safe place to discover who we are as sexual beings. (It also has the advantage of keeping one safe from STDs and pregnancy).

Do not be ashamed of such exploration. It doesn't mean you're a pervert. It means that you are exploring the physical side of yourself. In a way, furporn has some parallels with horror films: they both get us excited (in different ways), get the adrenalin rushing, while reassuring ourselves that we are safe and sound.

My advice, then, is don't fret about it. After a while (by "while," I mean probably a couple of years), you'll probably lose some interest in furporn as the novelty of it wears off. Hopefully, too, you will find yourself in a healthy physical and emotional relationship by then, and you won't be too tied up in furporn. However, you might still find it helpful to give you ideas about what to do in bed for fun.

Hope this reassures you, Sergio.

Bear Hugs,
Papabear

Dear Papabear,

How does one come out as furry? I am an older gay who has always wanted to be a furry. My generation never really accepted furry, to say the least. I have spent over 15 years wishing I could just be me and express what I truly want to be. I have been out mostly my whole life, but never able to express what I want to be to any of my partners or even now, my husband. It's hard trying to fit into the gay lifestyle much less trying to me something that makes you even more of an outcast.

Today, I saw some vids of furry cons and other activities, and all I could do is cry. I just wish I knew how to be a part of something I never could admit is me.

Dozer von Droolstein (age 50)

* * *

Dear Dozer,

A good way to prepare for such an announcement is to surround yourself with supportive people, and I can't think of a better place for that for you than in my Silvermuzzle and Greymuzzle Facebook groups. If you don't have Facebook, there are graymuzzle (or greymuzzle) groups on other social media such as Discord, Furry Amino, and Telegram.

It's funny, but I have received a number of letters like yours over the years, and it seems to be true that more people are uncomfortable coming out as furry than coming out gay. I suppose this is because in recent years being LGBTQIA+ has gained some (reluctant) acceptance in American society (still lagging behind western Europe, but getting there), while furries are still generally not accepted. Oh, we've made some strides forward, but the conservative backlash inflamed by the MAGA movement set us back a bit. 

Anyway, "coming out" furry is done rather the same way as coming out gay or lesbian or trans. To begin, you should first come out to those you trust with your feelings the most, which means to those who you feel accept you for you. Even if they find furry weird, they will support you and, hopefully, get used to the idea. This was the case with my husband, Michael. I told him early on in our relationship that I was a furry. Now, mind you, his daughter had already told him some negative things about Bronies, so when I told him I was a furry (he later confessed to me), he wondered if I was "safe" to be around (he has severe PTSD from being in active combat and can be nervous about things that aren't normal, and he had some bad ideas about Bronies thanks to his daughter). Anyway, I slowly got him used to the idea and started taking him to cons (he absolutely loves BLFC in Reno), and even adopted his own fursona (a dragon-bear hybrid) even though he really isn't a furry. He makes a real effort to support me and my work in the fandom. Other people may surprise you about being supportive. I never told my ex-wife about it, until she called me one day and asked if I was a furry. This seemed to come from out of the blue, but she had discovered the fact by googling my name one day. Anyway, I hemmed and hawed (I didn't think she'd like it) and finally admitted it, and she said she thought it was very cool and wondered why I hadn't told her before. Then there was my late husband, Jim, whom I told very early in our relationship and he accepted me right away. So, you never know.

After you tell the people you are more comfortable with, you can start working on the ones you are a bit more iffy about. If they have never heard of furry, this will make it easier because they don't have any preconceptions, so you can give them an appropriate definition right from the start. What I usually do is explain that it is rather like people who cosplay as superheroes and such at comic-cons only we focus in particular on anthro-animal characters such as what you would find in Kung Fu Panda or Zootopia. Now, I don't know whether you're a hobbiest or a lifestyler furry at heart, but it is best to start such people off by explaining it as a hobby.

The third group of people are the tough cases. These are the people with either incorrect, preconceived notions about furry ("oh, you want sex with animals"--um, no, that's zoophilia, dear) or are conservatives who believe Fox News-style nonsense such as we demand to have litter boxes in schools or that we bite people who displease us. I suspect this recent uptick in anti-furry sentiments is a symptom of the backlash against the trans community that we are seeing from religious and politically conservative people. In other words, such people conflate their antipathy for one group of unconventional people (trans) with another (furry) because of their fear and hatred for those who are different. Also, there are quite a few trans folk in the furry community, so it kind of gets combined at times. Hey, we're all queer in our own way, and normies don't like that. (Shhhh, mostly because they want to be odd, too, but are too afraid of normie society to do it, so they redirect that fear into hate; just one of those dumb psychological things that humans do).

Anyway, you really are under no obligation to come out to closed-minded people, so don't worry about them (and be careful about work; some bosses can be very anti-furry, and I have heard of some furries being fired from their jobs after they are "found out" because there are no laws against furry discrimination).

Now, you ARE lucky in that you are doing this at 50 rather than 12. It is much easier to tell people you are furry in middle age than when you are dependent on judgmental, controlling parents or navigating the hostile hallways of a school building. Since you are, I assume, financially independent, you can go about your way as you please. That's a good thing. 

You know, there are two big reasons why the furry fandom has so many LGBTQIA people in it (as well as those on the autism spectrum and with social anxiety issues in general): one is that they are trying to find an accepting community, and the other is that furry helps them express the real them that is inside. Being furry and participating in the fandom can be very therapeutic. In fact, there are studies that show it helps people with autism. Becoming active in the fandom can therefore not only help you find yourself as a furry but also as a gay man. You will find a LOT of supportive people and--I guarantee it--make many new friends.

So, go ahead and start telling the important people in your life who love you like your husband. Then be prepared to answer any and all questions they may have. It might be a little unnerving at first, but you will feel so much better when you do, and you may even be  pleasantly surprised by the reactions you get. 

Good Luck! Hope to see you joining one of my Facebook groups soon!

Papabear

Hello, Papabear,
​
It's been a long time since I last asked you a question, but I hope you're doing well. I'm messaging for some advice because rgis is something that's been on my mind for a good while. I currently live with my mom and it's not really bad, but there are times she can be more of draining to me than my own job. I'm more than happy to help with stuff or grab something she needs, but sometimes when I've just finished a tiring ten hour shift and just got home she'll ask me to go right back out to grab something for her when she's been home all day and could have went out to grab it herself.

There are times when she'll ask to use my car for something instead of her own for something. I don't mind since my car is bigger than hers and for groceries it certainly holds more, but there are times it messes with my own work schedule, and when I have no choice but to use her car, she'll leave it with little to no gas at all.

But most of the issues I feel I get are from just being around her. There was a day she called me from my room just to see me and say "You're getting fat." It made my day which was relatively nice feel much worse. She says how she wants me to lose weight and worries about my health and right now I'm around the 240's, I'm actively moving about at work and I maintain my weight rather well but all she sees is my belly and just goes back to that. It feels as if everytime we talk her tone makes it that she looks down on me, or at the very least like I'm still a little kid. I sometimes wonder what to do, even my sister suggests I finally move out.

I'm sorry for trailing on like this, my question after all of this is do you think it's a good idea for me to try moving out?

Kageichi (29)

* * *

Hi, Kageichi,

Please forgive me if I don't recall what we might have talked about in the past.

Before I answer your letter in more detail, could you answer a couple of questions? 1) Why, at 29 with a full-time job, do you still live with your mother? 2) What are the conditions for your living at your mom's house? (e.g., i.e., do you pay rent or have some other agreement for your continuing to live there?)

Thanks for your replies.

Hugs,
Papabear
* * *

Hello There

First of all, it's alright. It has been many years since I last sent a letter to you.

As for your questions, I live with my mom because while there are plenty of apartments a part of me feels pretty nervous too, I feel worried I might be unprepared to move out and handle being out on my own. A lot of things over the years just makes me have little confidence in myself.  The living condition of living with my mom aren't bad. I help with some bills, and I give my mother 100 bucks a week. She never told me where the 100 dollars go to, but I just thought maybe it was for rent.

* * *

Okay, one more question if I may: how much $$ do you bring in per month? Also, does your job include any benefits like medical insurance? 
Oh, and what city and state are you in?
* * *

I get paid every week and since I work almost 40 hours every week, my pay usually rounds up from 500 to $700 a week after taxes is taken out. My job does include health insurance and 401K which some of my cash goes to. I live in D***, SC.

* * *

Hi, again,

Okay, thanks for the information. So! Basically, you make about $2,400 a month take-home pay. I looked at apartment listings in the D***, SC, area, and you can get a studio or 1-bedroom apartment for anywhere between $800 and $1,500 a month or so. Let's say you find a good deal at $1,000 a month, leaving you with $1,400 a month. Let's further assume your car payment is $200 a month, leaving you with about a $1,200 a month for utilities, gas, food, sundries. That's not a lot in this economy, even in South Carolina (you wouldn't survive in an expensive state like New York or California). You're giving your mom $100 for rent a month (sometimes).

You should be kissing and hugging her "Thank you!" for saving you so much money. You should NOT resent her if she asks you to occasionally buy some food or to borrow your car. And if the worst she does is suggest you might need to lose some weight? I would hazard a guess she is genuinely concerned about you staying healthy. Don't take it as a slam (unless she says it in a mean tone to you, but it sounds like some of that is how you are taking her words).

If you moved out of the house, you would likely struggle financially unless you found a better-paying job. And, if you lost your job, you'd likely have to move right back in.

Instead of complaining about your mom asking for a few things, you should sit down with her and make out a JOINT budget in which you figure out how you can pay your fair share for the room and board she is supplying you. If your biggest complaint is that she sometimes asks you to buy some food after work when you are tired, that can easily be fixed by the two of you planning your grocery list ahead of time and going to the store together to make sure you have everything necessary. Set a rule that, unless it is something vital to purchase right away, she should not ask you to run errands right after work when you're tired. Schedule a time in your week when you run errands for her. You should also be paying her more per month. Compromise between the $400 and the price of an apartment, so, let's say, give her $750 a month. That's a good deal, and you should be grateful for it. If you don't feel like you can afford that (I don't know what other expenses you might have) then compensate by doing more chores around the house (you don't mention if you do any, but just because you work doesn't mean you can't do chores, too).

Moving out right now, while doable, is probably not the best choice financially. Your mother sounds like she is not bad to live with at all. If she treats you like a little kid, it might be because you are acting a bit like one by not helping to pay your fair share of the expenses at the house. She might be a little passive-aggressive with her criticism of your belly, so you should talk that out. Perhaps she's directing some frustration over you by saying you're chubby.

Sit down with your mom and discuss the following:
​

1. Budget: Find out what her expenses are and what you can reasonably contribute to house payments, utilities, and gasoline. IMHO you are not paying your fair share of living expenses in a house you live in full time.
2. Schedules: Come to an agreement as to how to do things that need doing without conflicting with your work schedule.
3. Being respectful of each other's needs: Tell your mom how you feel when she says you're fat, but do it in a calm way. Explain that you know you've put on some pounds but that it hurts your feelings when she says that and talk about how both of you feel about your health. ALSO! Ask her about HER health, HER feelings, and HER needs. It's not all about you, Kageichi.

You're 29 years old. Time to step up. You don't have to move out (unless you want to), but you do need to show more responsibility and appreciate your mother more for helping you out so much. Whether you stay or go, you need to do the adult thing.

Take Care,
Papabear
​

Heya bud.

Just a random question for a suiter... I recently bought a fursuit (I really like the suit), but he is an already established character (I am the third owner), so he has been around cons and has about 480 followers on his own twitter account done since 2018. I am debating whether to remake his character or continue his character from the previous 2. The 2nd owner continued the first owners character. Thing is, there were a lot of changes already: foot paws, hand paws, and tail were replaced. Padding removed, so no longer digitigrade (needed to remove it cause it wont fit otherwise). So, I feel like he is no longer the previous owner's character. I wanted to redo him, but what about his history? And then, can I still call him using the maker's name when 3 things are no longer the original? This is my very first fursuit.

Anonymous

* * *

Dear Furiend,

As with most things in the furry fandom, there are no rules, so I am not going to give you lines like "you have to do this" or "you have to do that."

That said, here are Papabear's feelings on the matter.

The only reason to keep the original fursona's name and rep would be if you are jonesing to keep his followers following you. And the only reason to do THAT is if you are desperate for followers and trying to get a rep as a popular furry. You don't owe the followers of the original fursona anything. As you pointed out, the fursuit has been modified quite a bit, anyway, so it's not really the same character except maybe for the name.

My feeling, then, is to make this fursuit yours, make it personal to YOU. Continue to modify the fursuit as you wish to please yourself, and change the name to a name that you like and is personal to you.

You bought the fursuit because you wanted a fursuit, not because you wanted the character, right? So, make it your own.

Enjoy! Happy Fursuiting!

​Papabear

Hello Papabear,

I have been in the fandom for the longest time since I was 15 years old. One of the thing I really love about the fandom is the golden age of the fandom. I love hearing stories of the past when the furry fandom was a new concept, seeing classic artists and art that shape the fandom for what it is today.. My question is, I really find it hard to find info of the past. Do you know any sites or good links that have a history of furry knowledge and classic art. 

Lighten

* * *

Dear Lighten,

I sure do! There is a growing number of good online sources for you to check out to learn about the fandom's history. Here are a few of them:

​For Starters:

• Fred Patten's Furry Retrospective (https://www.flayrah.com/4117/retrospective-illustrated-chronology-furry-fandom-1966%E2%80%931996) is a great place to start to get a short summary of the history of the fandom. 
• The documentary The Fandom, directed by Ash Coyote, which is available for free on YouTube. This also serves as a good introduction to furry history in video form https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iv0QaTW3kEY&t=3197s

After you've digested the above overviews, delve deeper with...

• Wikifur.com. As you can guess, this is a wiki devoted to furry. You can find information about almost anything here. The only trouble is that in order to get some use out of it you need to know what you're looking for. For example, if you've never heard of Robert Hill, you won't know to look him up and find out he was the first fursuiter; and if you've never heard of an APA, you wouldn't know to look that up, either. That said, you can go directly to the History entry for a nice overview.
• Fang, Feather and Fin: A Furry History Blog and Archive (https://www.fangfeatherandfin.com/): This incredible website by a nonprofit organization needs to get more attention! And I'm happy to do that here! The mission of this page is to archive print and online sources of furry history, as well as conduct and post interviews. It is a treasure trove of information!
• The YouTube channel Culturally F'd https://www.youtube.com/@CulturallyFd is dedicated to exploring the history of the anthropomorphic arts. Lots of info to be learned here.
• Confurence.com https://confurence.com/: The online archive of con books from the first furry convention from 1989 to 2010. Also includes fliers and other publications from the era.
• Furry Times archive https://furrytimes.net/downloads/: An archive of conbooks, APAs, and fanzines.
• Conhistory.com: An online resource of furry con history, as well as comic cons, sci-fi, and other conventions.

As a bonus, I would also suggest you take a look at the recent memorial video Rod O'Riley created on YouTube that is all about the late-great Father of the Furry Fandom, Mark Merlino. You will learn a LOT about the fandom's origins by watching this at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLfNdhHmh1Y&t=14837s.

There are also some excellent books out there for you to read, including:

• Patten, Fred. Funny Animals and More: From Anime to Zoomorphics. Theme Park Press, 2014.
• Patten, Fred. Furry Fandom Conventions, 1989<en>2015. Jefferson, NC: McFarland and Company, 2017.
• Stoddard, Tim. Furtannia: The History of the Furry Fandom in the United Kingdom. Uncle Bear Publishing, 2023.
• Strike, Joe. Furry Nation: The True Story of America’s Most Misunderstood Subculture. Cleis Press, 2017.

There are, of course, other sources online and in print, but the above represents your best bet to get the information you want.

Happy Researching!

Hugs,
Papabear

Hello, Papabear:

I will graduate with my 2nd A.S. degree this spring. After 8 years total of going to CCollege, I am mentally exhausted. Everyone has been asking me, "Are you going to transfer and get a bachelor's degree?" I wish I could, but tbh I am exhausted. Seven years of school and I leave with insecurities that I am not smart enough for UNI. I mean, 3 more years would be a commitment!

I have always had other interests such as in science and foreign languages. I have always wanted to learn about chemistry and learn a third language. How can I learn these two subjects for fun on my own and feel confident about it? I know I'll never be a chemist or science major, plus you don't need to go to university to learn a third language, anyways.

Thanks!

EmmyLovesFurries (age 26)

* * *

Dear EmmyLovesFurries,

Thanks for your questions. Let's start with the foreign language question. It's wonderful to learn other languages, especially if you have a gift for it. I studied German for seven years, French for two, and Spanish for one, and I can tell you, I don't have much of a talent for it. But, honestly, here's why I struggled: high schools and colleges teach language wrong. Endless vocabulary list memorization and grammar instruction is a mechanical, unhelpful way to learn. You know who teaches languages right? The U.S. military. What they do is throw you into an environment where you are only allowed to speak in the language you are learning. This total immersion in a new language is highly effective. 

The other way to do it is to move (or travel for an extended time) to a country that speaks the language in which you have an interest. One of my biggest regrets in life was when my German professor urged me to study in Germany for a while to really get comfortable with the language, but I was honestly too afraid to do that by myself and I turned down the opportunity. Now, living where I do (America is one of the most culturally isolated countries in the world because of its geography and poor public education system) my German is terribly rusty. I envy Europeans because they are constantly exposed to languages, and going to a foreign land is like traveling to another state in the U.S.--easier, too, because they have a good train system.... But I digress.

If I had the time to beef up my language skills, here is what I would do: go online to a website such as Babbel or Pimsleur (Rosetta Stone is also good, but rather expensive). These programs teach you conversational, colloquial language and use tried-and-true methods such as repetition. Some programs like Babbel even connect you to volunteer native speakers for practice, which is quite wonderful. 

Another way to approach this is to learn as a child would: that is, pick up some primer reading books in the language you want, read comic books, watch cartoons in that language. (You can watch Sesame Street in Spanish and many other languages!)

You are correct that you don't have to go to uni to learn a language and, as noted above, that is probably the worst way to do it unless you're studying a dead language such as Latin or ancient Greek.

Let's move on to chemistry and other sciences. 

I personally have an interest in history, but I didn't enjoy history in high school. In fact, I hated it because it was all about rote memorization of dates and places, kings and queens, famous battles, etc. Snore. No, I am much more interested in cultural history. How people lived centuries ago; how nations developed, thrived, and fell; what their architecture was like; how they dressed and ate and worked and had fun. You know, in school back in the 1970s (not sure about now), when they taught history it was either American history or European and British history. Never learned squat about Asia or Africa or South America, and these places are fascinating! The history of China goes back 6,000 years! And now I'm learning of discoveries in advanced architecture going back 12,000 years to places like Gobekli Tepe, or about the amazing technology that the Romans possessed. The same is true about science. I love learning about physics and astronomy, but also about advances in technology, environmental sciences, and wildlife (I used to be a zoo docent).

The point is, if you have an interest in a subject, you don't have to go to school to learn about it. There are all kinds of amateurs out there gobbling up books on various topics and becoming quite the experts. Really, the only reason to go to university is if you want a job in your particular field, in which case your employer will want to see your college diploma. But if you just want to learn, there are nearly countless resources online, ranging from science magazine websites to YouTube videos to virtual lecture halls. 

Learning is a joy. You should learn all your life. There is so much to learn that you will never come to the end of it. College is for getting a job. So, the question for you is not what you want to learn but what you want to do for employment. Once you figure out what you want to do for a job (it doesn't matter what, as long as you're okay doing it and it gives you enough money to pay the bills), decide what you need to do in order to obtain that job (whether it is school or some kind of apprenticeship or learning how to make YouTube videos for money) and go for it. Then, you can learn as much about sciences and languages on the side as you want.

Good Luck!

Papabear

Dear Papabear,

I have been thinking about learning quadrobics for a while [Papabear notes: "quadrobics" is the physical activity of running and other performaces while on all fours; it is typically a therian behavior, although some regular furries indulge as well]. I've always been more connected to my animals and fursona than I have been to my human self. I want to learn and be able to do it in school hallways, but I'm not sure how others will respond. Can you help me find a way to express my animalistic side to my peers?

Hazel (age 14)

* * *

Dear Hazel,

Unless you want to set yourself up for being mocked and hated, I would urge you to not try to "express" your "animalistic side" to the general public, whether at school or elsewhere, especially in a state like Texas, which is very conservative (this is a state where a student recently got expelled for growing their hair too long even though they kept it tied up and off her face during school, so imagine how they'd react to therian behavior). Such behavior in a school would likely not be tolerated by school officials. So, just don't. DON'T. DO. IT.

And, anyway, why would you want to? My first guess would be that, like so many people, you wish to be recognized as different and special, to get attention and, maybe, even adoration for your skills. We all like to feel special and to get attention, but believe me, please, you would only be setting yourself up for attacks and hate from people who don't understand furries or therians.

There is a time and a place for everything. School is not a place to act like a furry (or therian or otherkin, for that matter). American schools are where citizens get trained to conform, to be good cogs in the capitalist machinery. The social environment of the hallways, playgrounds, and classrooms of a school (in America, at least, but I'm sure in other countries as well) are a horror show of one-upmanship, cliques, posturing, bullying, teasing, and even physical violence against anyone who is different or seen as weak or weird. 

What IS the place for wearing fursuit gear or practicing quadrobics? Anywhere you can get together with people who have similar interests is great, but if you can't do that, I would suggest you practice your quadrobics in private places, such as in the woods (if available), at your home, or in other secluded places (as long as you feel safe there).

So, stop this notion at once that you somehow need to show your animal side to your peers unless you enjoy getting beaten up, made fun of, or being seen as a social outcast (the kind of person you see eating alone during lunch hour and getting tripped in the hallways).

Is that a harsh response by Papabear? I suppose, sadly, it is, but, Hazel, this is the world we live in. This is why people like you and me enter the furry fandom so that we can be among our true peers who will accept and love who we are.

Hugs,
Papabear

Mark Merlino (left) with husband Rod O'Riley, receiving the Good Furry Award Lifetime Achievement Award in 2022. A giant of the furry fandom passed away last night at his home in Garden Grove, California. Sy Sable (Mark Merlino) died with his husband, Rod O'Riley, by his side after battling Stage IV liver cancer that also led to his having a stroke.

It is impossible to exaggerate the importance of Mark's role in the fandom. Along with another late giant, Fred Patten (1940-2018), he founded the Cartoon/Fantasy Organization in 1977. The C/FO was primarily interested in bringing Japanese anime to America, but it also can be viewed as the precursor of the furry fandom because the Los Angeles chapter of the C/FO was the birthplace of furry.

In 1982, he created Tiger's Den, the first BBS dedicated to furry. Next, he cofounded the first furry convention, Confurence, which had its first gathering in 1989 in Costa Mesa, California. When Confurence shut its doors in 2003, Mark started Califur the next year, which ran until 2018. Finally, Mark and Rod created the first and oldest furmeet in the world: The Prancing Skiltaire house party, which was based out of their home. When he wasn't working on conferences, Mark traveled to other conventions, giving talks about furry movies, TV, and the fandom in general.

I am so fortunate that I was able to meet Mark on several occasions. It was at the Prancing Skiltaire in 2008 that I encountered my first fursuiter in person, and although I was already a furry by then, I was hooked after that. My dear friend Bart Swaim, took me to that furmeet, and it was also at that time that I met another important furry, Bob Hill (d. 2018), the first fursuiter.

Mark was a kind, knowledgeable, generous, and sweet man. His passing is a great loss to the fandom, and he will be missed.

[Update March 28, 2024] The memorial service for Sy Sable is now available on YouTube.

Dear Papabear:

I'm in school as of typing this so BEAR WITH ME if I don't make any sense, but if I were to make a fursuit head, would I have to wait to be older? I'm currently 15, and I'm not sure if my head would get bigger in size or not. 

I'm concerned about color schemes as well! I don't know much about color theory, so most of my fursonas stay uncolored in my notebook pages :,)

Also, are there any furmeets that you know of near me? Sorry if this is asking a bit too much, but I don't know of many furries near me, especially ones that are trans :(

Dove the Kittydog (age 15, Buffalo area, NY)

* * *

Dear Dove,

I ask people who write to me to limit each letter to one question, so keep that in mind if you write again. But here we go with some answers:

People's heads continue to grow through puberty and beyond a bit, usually being pretty well formed by the age of 18 to 20. However, bones keep shifting and fusing etc. even up to age 40 or so (also, cartilage such as in the nose and ears will grow pretty much until our deaths). However, these changes are pretty minor when it comes to fitting hats or fursuit heads, and by your age you should be fine. One thing you can do to make sure is to get the head made slightly larger than your head is now, and then you can add a bit of foam or other padding as needed. Here is a quick tutorial on that: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSoah9h59Mo.

As for colors, go for whatever you like. This isn't art class where you get criticized for not knowing about color theory. What are your favorite colors? Hey, maybe add some metallic color or pastels or neon. Have fun with it! Nobody is going to get on your case if you think neon orange and gold foil look cool together. The fursuit is for you, not other people. Please yourself. Be true to yourself.

As for furry groups, I would suggest you join the Buffalo & WNY Furs. They have a Facebook page here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/BuffaloFurs/

I hope that helps!

Happy Fursuiting!

Papabear

Dear Papabear:

My 11-year-old brother has come out to me as a gay furry.

I was pretty taken aback, I won’t lie, but I tried to be supportive/encouraging and thanked him for confiding in me. But I’m worried about his safety in the furry community, which I am completely unfamiliar with but concerned about since he is only 11 years old and has put his username as "boy kisser" on some furry website. I am worried about bad people within the community taking advantage of him. He’s at a vulnerable age and has unlimited internet access pretty much 24/7 and my parents don’t see that as an issue. I also don’t want to out him to them in case they make him feel alienated from his hobby and/or his sexuality.

It’s not my job to parent him, but how do I talk to him about safety within the furry community? How do I talk to my parents to ensure they take his safety seriously whilst being understanding of his hobby?

Kind Regards,

Sera (age 21)

* * *

Dear Sera,

You are a good sister. Although, yeah, you're not his mom, older siblings often work as surrogate parents. You are not obligated to be his parent, but you're doing great as an older sibling. 

Anyway, when it comes to supervision, that's on your parents. And it isn't just about the furry community. Being online in general--furry or not--can be dangerous for kids who are as young as your brother (or older, too, honestly). There are all kinds of criminal, unsavory, bullying, and harmful people out there. Yes, there are definitely some in the furry community (mostly, I believe, these are pedos and other nasties who aren't really furry but they infiltrate the community to prey on vulnerable innocent kids, often luring them with porn). 

I do recommend you talk to your parents, reminding them that unsupervised access to the internet leaves your brother vulnerable to predators, cyberbullies, and pedos (this is regardless of his being a furry and gay). Your parents are not alone in shirking their responsibilities in this area. As this PR Newswire story explains, about half of all American parents do not supervise their kids. That is a big mistake. Would your parents let your 11-year-old brother walk down a dark alley in a city with porn shops and adult video arcades? I doubt they would. The internet is the same thing. Make a wrong turn and you're in a dark place where you are in danger even though you're sitting at a desk, warm and comfy in your own home (see https://www.familyorbit.com/blog/the-risks-of-unsupervised-internet-access-for-kids-and-teens/).

Some resources you can recommend for them include:

• https://www.schoolsafety.gov/bullying-and-cyberbullying
• https://ojjdp.ojp.gov/sites/g/files/xyckuh176/files/jjjournal/jjjournal1598/net.html (an article about protecting kids from online sex predators)
• https://timtebowfoundation.org/protectourchildren/ (interestingly, footballer Tim Tebow started a foundation to protect kids)
• https://hanleyfoundation.org/resources/prevention/8-apps-all-parents-should-know-about/ (an article pointing out particularly dangerous apps for kids--it does not include furry sites, the #1 of which is FurAffinity, which is loaded with furporn)
• https://www.dfinow.org/for-parents/ (resources for your parents)

In summation, the important issue here is keeping your brother safe. I know you're worried about outing him as gay or a furry, but that is really secondary. Honestly, at 11 years old, your brother is still exploring who he is, so we shouldn't draw any conclusions about that. It is important that parents perform a balancing act between keeping their kids safe yet allowing them to grow as people and not restricting them so much that they feel like they are being punished or that their mom and dad don't like them. It's hard! Being a parent is hard! But they need to try their best.

Finally, here is an editorial I wrote about the whole issue: https://www.askpapabear.com/letters/my-final-word-on-minors-in-the-fandom.

Thank you for being a caring sister.

Write again if you need to, and I promise I will respond more quickly now that I have recovered from the holidays.

Bear Hugs,
Papabear

Dear Papabear:

Why is "cis" considered negative/would upset people?

I've noticed that within some interactions between some people, the term "cis" is considered negative and that it would piss people off. I do not fully understand why, and I also find it a bit contradictory since the furry community is considered to be accepting. I do know that my definition of "accepting" may not align with everyone else's, as my definition is "regardless of background, creed, ethnicity, gender, and any other defining factors of a person, they are to be treated with respect and understood as another human being." Again, my definition may not align with others', and I wish to understand why "cis" is considered a negative thing and may upset people.

Aryu (age 18)

* * *

Hi, Aryu,

That is an excellent and highly germane question to ask in these tumultuous social order times, so thank you for your letter. Before I answer the question, a little background for readers because sometimes people think they know what a term means but they might get it a little — or a lot — wrong.

The term "cisgender" was coined in 1994 by Dana Defosse, who at the time was a graduate student researching trans adolescent health and wrote a post using the term on the alt.transgender discussion board (Defosse currently works at a library developing health literacy programs). She came up with the term to fill a need for a word describing people who were not trans, so she borrowed terminology used in chemistry in which atoms positioned on the same side of a molecule are designated cis versus those on opposite sides of a molecule, which are designated trans (i.e., cis-trans isomerism). It was as simple as that. Defosse was just trying to find one word to conveniently distinguish non-trans people from trans people in a way that was not awkward for readers.

As trans rights have come more and more to the forefront of public debate, the term cisgender has come under fire from both straight people and LGB people. The main objection is that they do not wish to be part of the trans nomenclature that includes such terms as well as the plethora of pronouns. It is, in essence, the fear of semantic infiltration. That is, the fear that those outside your demographic are forcing you to define yourself by their terms. The technique of semantic infiltration has been used historically in politics, such as the Russians inserting terms into debates with the West during the Cold War and then changing the usage of certain terms in order to present a more favorable opinion of their political views. The fear in the LGB and straight communities (not all people in these groups, but some) is that trans people are using words (and defining non-trans people with them) across the LGBTQIA spectrum to forcefully fit everyone into their paradigm so that trans people are not seen as "other." Also there is resentment that "normal" straight people or "normal" gay people do not need a new word to define them because they have been using "straight" or "gay" or "lesbian" for decades.

The use of cisgender has hence become embroiled in the literal battle of words in our society. Defosse finally spoke out about this in a Huff Post article dated February 18, 2023, in which she wrote: "Although I’ve not yet experienced personal attacks for being associated with its creation, it is painful when people imply it was intended to hurt others. I never believed that adding the word to the lexicon caused problems ― it only revealed them." In other words, it's not the term that's the problem; the word just reveals the underlying social unrest more poignantly. Defosse continued: "It saddens me to hear that people feel harmed by the word cisgender. Is the creation of the word to blame? No. Cisgender is just a straw man. It is easier to attack a word than to address the reasons people feel intimidated by discussions of gender identity."

I hope that answers your question. I recommend reading the entire Defosse letter for her full response.

Bear Hugs
Papabear (a cis gay bear)

Dear Papabear,

Can I fursuit at theme parks? I'm thinking Busch Gardens.

Tomax (age 13)

* * *

Hi, Tomax,

Theme parks such as Disneyland and Busch Gardens do not allow people to wear costumes "for the safety of our guests." What this means is that there is a concern that people who show up at parks with their faces disguised behind masks could pose a danger to the public. For the same reason, you are not going to be allowed into a bank or a government building wearing a mask. Also, many parks (public and private) will not allow fursuits or other identity-concealing headwear. (In case you're wondering about Disney costumed characters, all of them are employed by Disneyland, so there is no concern there.)

Before you plan to go to any public or private venue, always check with the organizers of the event to see what the dress code is. There are some exceptions to the above rule. For example, from what I've seen, a number of Renaissance Faires are fine with fursuits. So, if you have a Ren Faire near you this year, you might want to check that out, but Busch Gardens is a definite no-no.

Thanks for your question!

Papabear

I hope this message finds you well, Papabear!

I'm Bulmuc, and I've been part of the furry community for almost four years now! It's been "pawsome" hanging out with everyone online, but lately, I've been thinking about taking things a step further and going to furmeets and conventions to meet other furries in person. The thing is, I'm just twelve, and I'm not entirely sure if it's okay or safe for me to do that.

You know, I've heard some stories about younger furries feeling kinda odd or not really fitting in at these events, and it's making me a bit nervous. I really, really want to join in on all the exciting stuff, but I also want to make sure I'll be okay and not feel totally out of place. That's why I thought maybe you could help me out since you seem to know a lot about this kind of stuff.

So, considering I'm almost hitting my fourth year as a furry, I'm wondering if there are specific rules or things I should be aware of before heading to furmeets and conventions at my age. Also, there was something that happened at the 2014 Midwest FurFest, they called it "chlorine con," and it's kinda worrying me. I'm scared something like that might happen again, especially at big events like that.

I really, really want to go and meet new furry friends, but I want to make sure it's a safe and good thing for someone like me to do. I thought maybe you could give me some advice or let me know what I should keep in mind before I make any plans. Your help would mean so much to me, and it would make things a lot easier for me to understand.

Thanks a bunch for listening, Papabear! I'm super excited to hear what you have to say.

Take care,

Bulmuc (Colorado, age 12)

* * *

Hi, Bulmuc,

Judging by your letter, it sounds like your parents are cool with your being a furry and going to cons and meets, so that's pretty pawsome. Because you are underage, when it comes to cons you will have to be accompanied by a parent or guardian. This means they will need to be with you whenever you are in con space (I'm guessing you're considering DenFur, so I would visit their website to check about age policies). I hope you're okay with that. Most of the attendees will be in the 18-30 age range, so while they will be cool with you being there, it's not going to be any easier to mingle with them than it would be if you went to a high school dance and tried to ask a girl to dance. Age difference, doncha know. As for Furmeets, they can be even more clique-ish than cons. Contact the furmeet organizer(s), tell them who you are and your age, and see if they feel you would mix well with the attendees. Some furmeets are rather closed off to friends only, while others (Prancing Skiltaire is a primo example) are open to anyone. So, ask. 

You say that you have been fraternizing with young furries online for four years now. Do you know any of them who are going to a con or meet you are considering attending? it's always better to go to a furry event with people you already know. If you can't find any friends to go with you, another option is to start your own furmeet and invite guests to a party. You can do a game tournament or watch furry movies or maybe organize a trip to a local park. 

I hope this answers your question. If not, feel free to write again.

Stay Furry!
Papabear
​

Dear Papabear:

I am in a bit of a pickle. I won't go into too much detail, but I have always identified strongly as female but with one big issue: this body is very much not. A while back I came to the sad realization that it can't be fixed (trust me, I've tried), and I just need to try to accept it as a harsh reality. 

In my efforts to do so, I created a new male fursona (a fancy cat who's a charming gentleman by day and a smooth criminal mastermind by night) designed to help me connect with and express it (I one day hope to have a fursuit, but it would have to be of THIS fursona for it to properly work with the body), but I honestly don't know how or where to even start (having of spent a few decades actively rejecting the idea).

So my question is this: Do you have any advice on how I can use this new male fursona as a way to accept and enjoy the manhood that has been thrusted upon me?

I know that this is a weird question and likely not one you're fully equipped to help with, but I figure I might as well try since I really don't have many places to turn to for this kind of thing.

Thanks in advance, 

Confused Cat

* * *

Dear Confused,

So, you are a male who identifies as female. At age 31 you should be old enough (past puberty and mentally mature) to come to terms with how you identify as a woman and not a man. In other words, you're trans. There is nothing wrong with this; it's just something you need to come to accept. Therefore, creating a male fursona in an effort to try to reconcile with "the manhood that has been thrusted upon" you is not going to work.

Now, if you want to have a fursona (or fursonas) that are of different sexes and genders for the fun of experimentation and exploring your sexuality, there is nothing wrong with that at all. This can, in fact, prove quite useful and be a growing experience.

But if you're just trying to deny you're trans, you're out of luck. 

Here is a very useful page that answers a lot of questions if you believe you are trans: https://www.pointofpride.org/blog/how-do-i-know-if-im-trans.

Good luck!

Papabear

Dear Readers,

I'd like to begin this year, if you will indulge me, with a little editorial on my thoughts about the fandom and being a furry in general.

This year, Papabear will turn 59, which is the age that my late husbear, Jim, died, so you might imagine this is cause for reflection for me. Also, I am trying very hard to finish my book about the furry fandom, so it is a year for a couple of milestones for me. SO MUCH has changed in the fandom since I began researching my book way back in 2015! SO MUCH has changed since I started this advice column in 2012! Heck, so much has changed in general. I'm also thinking a lot about what furry means to me and where the fandom is going.

In human society (at least, in the American society with which I am intimately familiar), we go through the following stages in life:

1. Ages 0-20 are spent learning about the world and how to function in it and what society's expectations are of us (e.g., i.e., how to be a good little citizen/son/daughter/ wife/husband/father/mother)
2. Ages 21-40 we are busy fulfilling those expectations by getting married, buying a car, getting a job, buying a house, having children, climbing the corporate ladder to "success."
3. Ages 41-60 (if we make it, especially, but also if we don't) we start questioning all these "accomplishments" because we find them to be very unfulfilling, so we start searching for who we really are. This is often called a "midlife crisis."
4. Ages 61 to death: If we stuck with the status quo, we look toward retirement and remaining years doing expected stuff such as taking cruises and golfing until we end up in a rest home and wait to die. If we didn't, we might have a few years left to revel in enjoying being ourselves before we grow sick and die.

The above is a generalization, of course, but it is the basic pattern I see in our society.

But what if we refused to follow that pattern? What if, after figuring out what the world is about (e.g., being a nice little cog in the Wheel of Society), we reject this paradigm, skip Phase 2, fast-forward Phase 3, and enjoy the self-actualization of Phase 4 from our 20s all the way until death?

That, for me, is what the furry fandom is about in many ways: exploring the TRUE YOU through imaginative play and creativity, free from all the constraints that enslave the unhappy throngs that imprison most of the population.

When Jim was still alive, we would go to cons together (he wasn't a furry, but he was very supportive just like my current husband, Michael). I think it was at MFF (c. 2011, I believe) when he made an observation that struck me as quite perceptive. "Kevin," he said, "these furries are an awful lot like the hippies in the Sixties." In other words, this isn't just a fandom, it's a countercultural movement.

Admittedly, there are a lot of furries who just indulge in the fandom for its shock value and for something to do because "they're bored." I've heard quite a few young people say that. They are the kind of furries who leave the fandom when they eventually buy into Phase 2.

For the rest of us, furry is a way to shed all those expectations, requirements, judgments, and rules imposed upon us by society. Being an anthro is the overt way of expressing rebellion for human ways, but internally we are also searching for secret doors to passages that will allow us to escape the predetermined molds into which we are expected to fit.

This is why it is ironic when certain furries try to impose rules designed to judge whether or not you are a "real furry." This is totally counter to the spirit of the fandom, which is iconoclastic at its very core.

Some of these gatekeepers are from the Old Guard (furries who've been around 30-40 years or so) who don't like how the fandom has changed. Well, it's OK for it to change. If it didn't, it would become stagnant and soon die.

Some of these gatekeepers are newer to the fandom, but they impose "rules" in order to set themselves up as the "real furries" who are in charge and get to tell others what is right or wrong about the fandom. They usually seek power and influence because they are trying to hide their own low self-esteem by putting others down.

Don't listen to either group.

What makes the furry fandom different from all other fandoms is that it is the members of this fandom who determine its nature, not some TV or movie franchise, not some corporate entity like Paramount or Lucas Films or Disney, and not even some nonprofit organization.

No. WE make the fandom what it is today, and WE will make it what it will be tomorrow.

No rules. Just play.

Play is important. Don't disregard the value of play. Avoid the people who want to take the play away.

Changes in the fandom are accelerating exponentially. We can look forward to many developments as the fandom continues to grow, gets influenced by outside cultural changes, and finds new opportunities for expression through advancing technologies. By 2034 it might not even be recognizable compared to 2024. I know it has changed considerably since 2014, so I expect even greater changes in another 10 years.

Here's the point (in case you were wondering): If you came to the fandom as a way to escape the doldrums and judgment of mainstream society and better express yourself; if you came here to find furiends like yourself; then don't worry about whether or not you fit in and what rules you must follow. You DO fit in and there are NO RULES except the ones you write for yourself.

This fandom is for YOU not some verkokte gatekeeper. 

Oh, and BUCKLE UP! The next 10 years are going to be a WILD RIDE!

Happy New Year!

​Papabear

Dear Papa Bear,

There's this great show that I LOVE called Iesodo, which depicts the life of Jesus through cartoon birds who play the roles of the figures. Iesodo is a cool-looking dove who represents Jesus, and the others play his disciples (and others his friends and enemies).

I love this show, but here's the problem: Saberspark and other YouTubers are trashing it and calling it a "Christian Nightmare." I tried to watch his video on his Saberspark Highlights channel, but when he and his wife started shipping Iesodo and the Raven (representing Jesus and Satan), I HAD to shut it off. Iesodo was talking to the Raven (who was trying to tempt him) about why popularity isn't everything, and the scene was just like Jesus's temptation in the desert. But . . . I hate how they just dismissed it as fluff. It wasn't even a review; they were just watching random bits and pieces. All the comments I glanced at were trashy.

I know how great Iesodo is. It's won awards; it was made by former employees at Pixar, Marvel, Fox Kids, and even other creators who made great Christian cartoons like Kids 10 Commandments and The Christmas Lamb. See, I own every DVD, and I love every episode. I don't think the animation's bad at all. Sure, Believe and Love's 2-episode discs have animation that looks pretty good (I like how they look), and it gets even better starting with Faith's DVD, but I don't think Iesodo's bad at all.

Iesodo has always pleased me in every episode, and each joke-filled scene and every value-inserted moment have never made me cringe. I know it's not perfect, but the writing is fantastic and the characters appeal to me a whole lot. The Believe and Love DVD animation isn't like Gaither's Pond, so I don't feel uncomfortable watching it.

My question: Why on Earth would anyone trash such a great show? In addition, how can I get over this feeling (other than what I do already by praying to God and getting encouragement from my friends and family)? How can I try to show people that Iesodo means a lot to me? I think it's a brilliant show, but no matter how hard I try by posting memes on Twitter about it, the fury keeps on coming when it comes to other people posting terrible reviews about it . . . even though it IS a great show. Can you help me? Give me some advice?
​
Signed,
Your long-time friend,
PenguinDareangel12

* * *

Dear PenguinDareangel12,

Iesodo is an award-winning animated show aimed at children and teaches a strong Christian message, as you know. You likely also know that many in the furry fandom are not Christian. Indeed, many dislike Christians. It is therefore unsurprising that many furries would not like this show whether or not it is well written, directed, and animated (I'm not going to judge it since I have never watched the show; I just looked it up online and familiarized myself with the premise, characters, and animation).

Let's put aside the fact that it is fundamentally a religious show for the moment. If Iesodo were just an animated series about birds, you would still find people who loved it and others who either were indifferent to it or who hated it. That's simply because everyone has their own tastes. There are TV shows that I love that I know others hate (for example, The Big Bang Theory, which I thoroughly enjoyed, but others thought it was stupid). You might note the same about restaurants. For example, I think McDonald's is disgusting, but obviously millions of Americans think it's great. Going back to cartoons, there are a lot of people who think popular animated shows like Peppa Pig, Paw Patrol, and Bluey are garbage or even damaging to children.

PenguinDareangel, it doesn't matter what others think about Iesodo. What matters is that YOU love it and it brings you joy. Don't worry about convincing other people that it's a great show. In the meantime, make sure you write to the creators of the program and tell them how much you enjoy it. You could join the Iesodo Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/iesodo/ and share your love of the show with the 20,000 followers there, or you can go to the Iesodo website and write to them here: https://iesodo.com/contact/ and maybe they can tell you how you can have more fun with the show (perhaps there is merchandise or a fan club, I dunno).

Hope that helps!

Bear Hugs,
Papabear​ Iesodo is an animated program featuring a white dove (representing Jesus) and his friends. Created for Zaya Toonz and produced by Rollman Entertainment, it only ran for 10 episodes.

Good Morning, Papa Bear,

I've recently graduated college. I'm the first in my family to do so, and I received top honors. I should feel happy, proud, and excited for the future, but instead I feel sad and empty. All of my friends have moved elsewhere, but I'm stuck in my hometown with my parents, working to save up money. I've been applying to jobs related to my degree, but I've only gotten ghosted.

Without grades, a degree, or a career path to work towards, I have no clue what to do next with my life. Everyone says 22 is young, but I still feel like I'm falling behind. I've no romantic relationship, no budding career, and no place of my own just yet.
How are people supposed to define their paths in life? How do I stop feeling like I'm stuck in some nebulous pit of stagnation?

Thank you, Papa Bear,
-Anonymous (Wisconsin)

* * *


Dear Furiend,

Pardon my confusion, but you said you graduated college but you don't have a degree or grades? Could you clarify?

And, next question, what do you WANT to do with your life?

I'll await your response.

Papabear

* * *

I do have a degree--in biology. Just now that college is over, I don't have any clear overarching goals (like a degree, or a good GPA) to work towards, which makes me feel lost.

I'm not sure what I want to do with my life. I know it's cliche, but I guess above all I want to be happy. I'd like to cultivate a family I can love and feel loved by. My current family is good, but it is unaccepting of my sexuality and other aspects of my identity, so I never feel free to be authentically myself. I'm not sure what I want from a job--just that I don't feel (totally) miserable going to work each day. This might be a little unrealistic though, haha. 

Thank you so much.

* * *
​
Dear Furiend,

There are two things going on here, I believe: 1) your career/schooling, and 2) your private life. When it comes to your goals in life, it sounds like you place having a family above a career. That's terrific. It's good to have priorities and to know what is important in your life. When it comes to careers, though, there are two kinds of jobs: 1) The kind of job you do to make money to pay bills but don't really care about that much, and 2) the kind of job that is your passion, your life, a part of who you are. When your work is something you love, as they say, you won't work a day in your life. It won't be "work" but, rather, a passion, a mission.

The field of biology can certainly be that as it can lead to all sorts of different careers from wildlife management to the medical professions to high-tech research to the profitable (and morally dicey) pharmaceutical industry. The thing is, with just a B.S. in biology, your options are limited to things such as lab tech or entry-level research biologist or, perhaps, work at a zoo or aquarium (not that the last one is bad; I tried to be a zookeeper once but my degree was in English so they picked a woman with a biology degree). If you sincerely wish to pursue some kind of career in biology, you really need to go to grad school or medical school. So, I would recommend that you continue to further your education. If financing is an issue, perhaps you can find a job at a company that will help pay for you to go to grad school or--another possibility--find work at a university, and then you can likely attend their programs cost-free because you are an employee. Pursuing your education would certainly set up a new goal for you and you would not feel like you were adrift as you do now.

Moving on to your personal life, I am sorry your family is not supportive of your identity. It sounds as if you live in a small town in Wisconsin. What I usually recommend for LGBTQIA writers to my column who live in podunk small towns with conservative parents is that they try and move to a larger city with a more welcoming community. Fortunately for you, cities like Madison and Milwaukee have large LGBTQIA communities where you are much more likely to find a love interest (as well as employers who aren't homophobic or transphobic). There are other cities, too, that aren't bad, including Eau Claire, Superior, and LaCrosse. In general, any city with a fairly sizeable university will lean toward a more liberal and open-minded perspective on people such as you and me. I would start searching for work in these larger areas, especially at colleges and universities that have research labs in the area of biology where you can explore the option I outlined above. Yes, there might be some cost issues, so I would also recommend trying to find a roommate situation--perhaps one of your friends who was wise enough to leave their hometown. If you can't find anything in Wisconsin, then widen your circle to other states until you find something. And don't be too proud to start at the bottom and work your way up. Hey, my first job was at a burger stand. You gotta start somewhere.

I hope this helps. If not, write me again!

Bear Hugs,
Papabear

Dear Papabear,

I’ve written to you a few times before and look forward to your warm advice every time. I should also say that I have talked to therapists and extremely benefited from the experience. Anyway, here is the real content of my letter:

How do you escape the ghost of your lost love?

Six months ago, the man who I thought was my soulmate broke up with me, and I lost the life we built together. I lived with him, and his other partner (F), and every other weekend we would house the children each of them had from previous relationships. It was everything I ever wanted: a life living with the man I love, kids, a home, a daily routine. We had been together for two years including a three month or so break, when he broke up with me the first time. But it all came crashing down when he met someone new and wanted to replace me. After fishing for excuses and blaming being rid of me on something he forgave me for five months prior, I overheard a conversation between him and his other partner about how much he was in love with the new boy. How he never loved anyone more, besides herself, and this new relationship scared her. Time and time again he threw her concerns aside and failed to comfort her about it. He crossed many lines between all of us dating this new flame, and the fact he wanted to give this new person, who frequently lied to him, everything I ever wanted, while pushing me out of the picture was too much.

I loved that man more than anyone and everything I had ever known, but in an instant I hated him more than anyone on the face of the earth. I had already started therapy prior to the end of the relationship in an attempt to save it, and through the months since I have gone through many stages of grief. I still hold contact with his son, a child I will always consider my own. We have phone calls during the week and play games together. His mother and I are good friends, and we’ve even arranged visits to play at the park.

Just like the first time he broke up with me, I tried to date. The first time, I was completely incapable of getting him out of my head, and gave up dating. I had accepted the fact of being alone until my wish was granted and he returned to me. This time though, my hatred for him kept the thought of him away. And now six months later I find myself happy with another man. My boyfriend is amazing, he’s kind, listens to me, even remembering many off hand things I say. He’s romantic, takes initiative, and is always happy to hear me go on about the little things I adore, and does the same when I want to be enamored by his voice. I could go on about all the big or little things he does that have won me over, but I should address the issue instead.

Lately, I feel haunted by the ghost of my ex. Sometimes when I’m cuddled up to my boyfriend or when he kisses me, I pull away and expect to see my ex’s face. I almost want it. Especially when I’m intimate with my boyfriend, I get flashes of being intimate with “Him.” I thought I hated “him,” and when asked what I wanted: “to no longer be a part of his story.” But now I’m having dreams/nightmares about him coming back to me. Dreams that bring me to tears, or chill me to the bone, and I don’t know what to do.

What do you do when you love someone so deeply that you wouldn’t hesitate to die for them, and then it’s just gone? I feel trapped between the ghost of a man who hurt me deeper than anyone else, who used me and never truly loved me, and a man that does love me, and may even marry me one day. I’m afraid this haunting will continue to affect my relationship, as I am hesitant to bring it up to my boyfriend. He’s been the most understanding person in the world to talk to given his own history and hauntings of his own. But, it’s just all so intense and I feel disgusted and ashamed every time I see my ex in the tender moments I try to share with my new love. I know what he did, why do I feel this way? Why can’t I keep hating him and move on in my life with someone else?

Any advice you may be able to give is always deeply appreciated.

Anonymous

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Dear Furiend,

When we have a powerful, deep relationship with someone, that person and all they represent will have a lasting impression on us even after they are gone from our lives. This is not a bad thing, since we learn a lot about love and ourselves through relationships--even the ones that have ended. Your first love will, thus, be in your head for a long time, if not forever. 

When you kiss or hug or are intimate with your current beau, these physical interactions are sensory stimuli that can elicit powerful memories. As a for instance, it is like when you are going about your business and, suddenly, you smell apple pie and it brings back a strong memory of your mother and suddenly you can see her quite clearly in your mind's eye. In the same way, the sensation of a kiss brings back a memory of your first love. This should not make you think that you would rather be with him than your current love. It's just the way memories can work sometimes. Also, it doesn't seem like it has been very long since the first relationship ended, so your memories are still very present in your mind.

The people we meet in our lives become a part of us. I still often think of Jim, even though he has been dead for eight years now and I have my husband of four years, Michael. the good news is that Michael is not jealous about this and is very understanding. Your new love sounds like a kind person who will understand, too. Your thoughts of Love #1 do not mean that you are going to try to go back to him or anything like that. We both know that despite how he hurt you and how you say you "hate" him now, there is still a lot of love there and a lot of fondness for the life you had with him. That doesn't mean you actually want to go back to him.

The good news is that love is not a limited resource. Just because you still harbor feelings for your first man doesn't mean this will limit the amount of love you have for Love #2. In short, it's okay to still feel love for #1 despite how it ended. Treasure the fond memories you have. Permit yourself to admit there were good times and this will bring you closure and self-acceptance. Then, recognizing you are in a much better relationship now, allow yourself to enjoy it! Remember the past, learn from it, and then live in the present.

Make sense?

Hugs,
Papabear

Dear Papabear,

I work on creative games and mods to bring joy to others. My adapted symbol is the spotted hyena, which I chose for its misunderstood perception, dangerous nature, and intelligence.

I've known about your website for a long time and I know you to be experienced in life. Do you have experience in dealing with narcissists online?

I used to not be aware of their existence until recently and this experience involved three at once. I created a mod for a video game and entered its community. It turned out I had walked into a war of sexual assailants. They deserve to not be named - that would only validate them. Therefore, I will call them N1-3. All three are known in a different related community. N1 was expanding into the community I entered. He used me as a stepping stone. He exploited that I had been betrayed by friends to paint himself to be in similar shoes and filled that void in my life for 2 years. Through his manipulation and the manipulative actions of his former right-hand man, N3 - who had forsaken him and was dragging this new community into the conflict - I believed N1 to be a victim and involuntarily became his defender. N1 slipped up, allowing me to recognize what he is and I broke free. He was not the only one to slip up. N3 personally involved me and my project in a public call out of N1 despite my wishes. When confronted, he tried hard to justify it (mainly to himself) and distracted from the issue by attacking my character. Such an action lead me to gravitate more toward N1. It also had me feel like I was walking on eggshells. As a result, I uncovered the full story. One constant question I had was how did these people become friends in the first place? I found the answer: They're all narcissist manipulators.

Here's what they did:

N1 built a harem of ride-or-die fans. He abused many women online (and some offline) and painted himself as the victim or downplayed his actions. I'll list the main incidents. He coerced a woman younger than him (W1) with future faking and special rewards into sending sexual cosplay photos then blackmailed her with the possibility of reposting them. N1 rewrote history that it was W1 who initiated. He also made her feel she was in a competition with another woman (W2). He underpaid a co-worker (W3) and visited her to have sex with her despite her clearly saying no beforehand. (W3 was in a relationship too.) He confessed to W3 about getting W4 drunk to sleep with him and cry to her boyfriend afterward. W3 was able to resist him. After the unsuccessful endeavor, he would berate W3 until she stopped working for him. He was ultimately exposed by another co-worker - let's call her Ocarina - when she accused him of sexual assault at a con. N1's key lie is that Ocarina wanted to share a bed with him - the resulting argument being they were both in the wrong (did I mention Ocarina was in a relationship with another person too?), but in reality, she only wanted to share costs on the room and expressed she was very uncomfortable about sharing a bed when it turned out the room didn't have separate beds. They both got drunk and N1 took Ocarina back to their room despite her friends' protests. They both stated that bodily contact happened. Their stories differ on the details, intentions, and states of consciousness.

N2 guilt-tripped a fan into a date - let's call her C. The date took place near her city but far enough for her to feel isolated from her family. C expressed discomfort multiple times, but was successfully coerced into spending the night at N2's hotel room. N2 pressed for sex and a condom broke. Their stories differ on what happened afterward. N2 tried to rewrite history that C never clearly communicated what she wanted.

N3 was N1's righthand man. He defended N1 until Ocarina then switched to defending N2. He makes everything about himself and used the stories of N1's victims to prove to himself that he did nothing wrong. He made a video targeting newcomers. He didn't show anything of the victims' stories that did not pertain to himself, thereby leaving doubt about the validity of the accusations against N1. N3 is also ignorant of N2's actions and paints him in a positive light with lies by omission.

The complication here is that all of these were friends. N2 championed for Ocarina, leading the call out of N1. C reappeared at that time to accuse N2 of rape for the second time. N2 remained silent and let Ocarina and her friends who attended the con to defend him from C. They involuntarily became N2's apologists. One of the friends made an anonymous account to help expose N1 and this account was used to defend N2 as well. Ocarina got hacked and the burner account got exposed. All this allowed N1 to return, arguing that these are hypocrites who tried to cancel him.

As you can see, this is a complicated story. Untangling it with no prior knowledge of narcissist manipulation tactics was an ordeal, but I believe everything in life happens for a reason. I got through it and emerged stronger.

The problem is that these two communities are filled with teens and young adults who are not mature enough to understand the weight of the situation. They interpreted it as drama and picked their favorite creator to defend.

I will continue to be involved with one of the communities through my hobby (for at least a little while), which is already poisoned with a lot of in-fighting due to N1's shift into this community. I am bound to get asked for input about N1 since some of my popularity is due to him. Do you have any advice on how to handle it? I know talking about N1 either positively or negatively validates him, but I do not want these young adults to be left in the dark and falling prey to manipulation from either side. I got rid of my YouTube account kickstarted by N1. I plan to just not talk about him anymore. However, I have already drawn the rage of N1's most religious followers by disassociating. These followers can potentially get other people entangled in such manipulation. I don't know how to handle it. Do you happen to have any advice?

Thank you in advance and stay safe, Papabear.

- Kartal

* * *

Dear Kartal,

You're right, this is complicated. First, let's clear something up: These people are not "narcissists." The appropriate term for all of them is "immature assholes," who are also apparently guilty of sexual assault. In short, these are very bad people, and if you are wise you will disassociate yourself from all of them. I would also argue that saying they are (or were) "friends" is highly inaccurate because friends do not treat each other in this manner.

Secondly, while it is noble of you to think of the young people in these groups who might get sucked into the N1-3 drama, it is really not your job to patrol the groups and act like a police officer. If you try, I guarantee that you will not be successful and will only be dragged farther and farther, deeper and deeper into a pool of disgusting drama.

Kartal, you are not responsible for the way people behave and you will find that trying to change people who are bad actors is a fruitless endeavor best left to professionals in the mental health industry.

One of the greatest skills to acquire in life is how to be a good judge of people. Once you do this, you will live a happier life by surrounding yourself with good, true friends and family and stepping away from the immature, the manipulators, the selfish, the gaslighters, and the cruel. True friends are kind, loving, and supportive. Anything less makes them not friend material.

So, step away from these communities like you were backing away from a minefield.

Does this make sense?

Good Luck!

Hugs,
Papabear